What snappy answers have thought of just in time?

onesea said:
....Then suggestion, when a Scotsman asks you as a trusted Englishman how some one else form England did not know who Robert Burns Is. Do not talk about him as a third rate poet from the coleneys. You are luck to ge tout WITH your coat :D :D
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With apologies to Post #18: "Oi, speak English, do you?" Reply " Yes thank you, and far better than you write it."

Don't get me wrong! I like the English. I think everyone should have one! But can we get back on topic, please, the clever come-backs were much funnier!
 
Phone goes, I answer....

"Good day sir, can you tell me which company you have your telephone billing with?"

I replied...

"Well if it was your company you would know about it, but as its not, its none of your business!"

Upon which I hang up.
 
pugwash94 said:
I have become intensely irritated by those sales telephone calls where the caller begins, "How are you today?" as though they know me and are interested.So I now reply:
"Very well thanks and how are you?"
When I get a reply I then ask how the caller's mother is...
Did she enjoy her holiday?
Has she got over that nasty rash?
What happened in his father's court case?
And see how long I can keep it going. When It looks as though they might attempt to regain the initiative, I wish then a good day and say good bye.
My record is 7 minutes of totally inane questions - it presents an interesting challenge, keeps them from bothering other poor sods and is all done at their expense. It also seems to be more effective at getting me removed from their lists than remonstrating or getting cross
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I just say, "Fine until you called", and hang up!
 
FurryWritingDesk said:
In the middle of a row with a former boss about my alleged inability to co-operate with management, I was told "there's no 'i' in team". To which my response, was "and the problem round here is that there's no 'f' in team either". Followed by me storming out of the room and slamming the door behind me.

And looking for a new job very shortly thereafter.
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I remember once going into my boss' office and saying, "We've got a problem with (machine)".
"We don't have problems, we have difficulties"
"Well, we really do have a problem with (machine)".
"No, we don't have problems, we have difficulties".
He then proceeded to give me a great lecture on "Difficulties", to which I listened to in silence.
I then said, "You're right. I don't have a problem, but YOU do!" I then turned about and left his office, doing my level best to pull the door off it's hinges on the way out!

.
 
With all this Scottish talk I'm reminded of the late Brian Clough's response to the question,
"What do you think about football in Scotland?" Quick as a flash his reply was..
"It'd be a good idea!''
 
Whiskey Bravo said:
With all this Scottish talk I'm reminded of the late Brian Clough's response to the question,
"What do you think about football in Scotland?" Quick as a flash his reply was..
"It'd be a good idea!''
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I think that line must have been pinched from Gandhi's reply when he was asked his opinion of Western civilisation.
 
Hum my whole life is full of snappy (or more like pithy/fool) remarks. Someone says they'll put the kettle on I say "You'll look stupid" if I or others fall over "Aha very good - quick gravity check - still working fine" and as stuff falls you call "heads!", if someone says "who can I say is calling?" I say "You can say it's Batman", I crash the car and say "at least it wasn't expensive" regardless of the fact that it's a new merc or whatever, hit a valuable classic car and you say " well at least it wasn't a new car eh?" or when anyone complains that their wife is sleeping or complaining or anything... you say "Oh - so you're married?" and they say yes and you say "really, you, MARRIED?" and they say erm er yes and you continue being incredulous that they are actually married which sorta floors them .... A chicken crossed the road in front of us and I said "I wonder why he did that?". if any American (esp policeman) asks what you're doing, the answer is "Pursuing happiness" and if in the pub/bar someone asks "Is is my round?" you say "well, it's August now, so yeah, really, it's just got to be your round by now hasn't it?..." and if anyone asks for a payrise you askem how much they want and they say (perhaps) thre grand or whatever, and you say what three grand less the tax and other deductions, divided by 12? and they ooh gosh i have no idea, to which you say well not much point in the payrise if you won't even notice, is there? I quite enjoyed it when an asian guy called saying he wanted some free stuff cos he saw it on the computer when he came round the the office when we also bought him lunch, and i sed he could have that BUT he wd need to upgrade the hardware, and he said well then it's not free, not really? and i sed well I suppose that just goes to show that there's no such thing as a flea runch, hm?
 
Humphrey Littleton was once interviewed on local radio and it was mentioned that he was an 'orthinologist' :- " No, more of a word botcher" was his crisp rejoinder.
 
Last week in Cowes I was sitting with a youngish chap who was eyeing up the post race tottie.

Suddenly two local fat lasses hoved in to view, done up to the nines. He shouts over "Hiya sugar". One of the bulging beauties looks over and says "Hi". He retorts with "not you, I was talking to the other lump..."
 
Blackfeather said:
Last week in Cowes I was sitting with a youngish chap who was eyeing up the post race tottie.

Suddenly two local fat lasses hoved in to view, done up to the nines. He shouts over "Hiya sugar". One of the bulging beauties looks over and says "Hi". He retorts with "not you, I was talking to the other lump..."
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Marvellous. Must try that in Gossie when feeling very brave!
 
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