Trafalgar Day jokes

[julia1]

Help

I have been asked to give a speech at our local Trafalgar Day dinner. We go every year, it is a fantastic evening, however I would like to end with a light hearted topical/naval joke - can anyone help me !!!??


David

 

[tcm]

fiound this on the net....


Hardy was on the deck just as they were going into the historic battle of Trafalgar when out walks Nelson wearing his bright red jacket.

Hardy asks Nelson if he can speak freely,

Nelson says "Of course Hardy!"

"Well," says Hardy, "don't you think that wearing such a bright colour going into battle makes you such an easy target for a sniper?"

"Ahh," says Nelson "there are two excellent reasons for wearing the red, firstly the men will think exactly like you but, realising that i am still prepared to wear it it will raise their morale. Secondly should a stray bullet enter my body the red will cover the sight of any blood, therefore not lowering the morale of the men."

Hardy is most impressed, "that's excellent sir, will you excuse me."

"Where are you going?" enquires Nelson

Hardly replies, "I'm just going to change into my brown trousers"

 

[fisherman]

"How does the navy separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar". Or you could try here
http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=2919

 

[landaftaf]

having been to dozens of trafalgar nights, I can say that as you will be telling the jokes after the meal, they will all sound funny - even if they are as bad as the ones here /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

and hopefully no one will remember who told the worse one anyway ......... /forums/images/graemlins/cool.gif

relax and enjoy - or post again in a few weeks when you are getting desperate /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

 

[fisherman]

See if you can get hold of Captain Jack Broome's 'Book of Signals'. Hilarious and poignant.

 

[gardenshed]

during a Nato excerise the following exchange was heard:
US Naval Captian to Royal Navy Submarine Commander (Diesel Electric Boat)
I'm about to increase speed to 35kts, care to join me?

Sub Commander:
I'm about to submerge, care to join me!

 

[landaftaf]

and there is the exchange between a yank battlefleet passing a few ton minsweepres mid atlantic ........

'hi from the biggest navy in the world'

'hello from the best' /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[fisherman]

In a similar vein, and recounted during the enquiry on PQ17. Escort sub to escort destroyer ' in the event of enemy attack I intend to remain on the surface'

Reply from the destroyer 'so do I'.

'Did you really say that?' the judge asked Broome

 

[stephenh]

Or if you want a long one .....



Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.
What gobbledygook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal
aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be
in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"

As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir"

"In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

 

[Twister_Ken]

In the Royal Navy, sailors soon learn to sleep on their backs, or someone else will.

 

[Koeketiene]

Join the Army & feel a man.
Join the Navy & feel lots of men

 

[DJE]

Or the American Battleship which entered port flying the signal "Second to none" to be greeted by a British destroyer hoisting "None".

 

[tarik]

Many thanks for the jokes - I'll certainly use a couple of them !!

David