The Mutt Report

[tcm]

After a great deal of investigation and a full inquiry, i can today reveal my report regarding jimi getting right to the front of the lock queue at Hythe marina. At issue was whether he was put to the front of the queue because he's a conniving celtic git OR it was just yerknow, a result. Followers of the forum will know jimi as a member of the awkward squad who badmouths everyone, so i suppose it would be worth investigating if there's something going on if it only takes him 12months to be allowed out of the marina cos even that sounds a bit fishy like he was bribing someone, really.

Anyway, I have found out that everyone has forgotten everything about it and despite somehow getting to the very top of their professions they are actually total sieve heads, which is a bit of a pity for my report, really. I was hoping I would find a nice receipt for a bribe eg received £500 from jimi, or perhaps somone would have kept a little diary that said "jimi went mental with us and threatened all sorts of things if we didn't put him at the front of the queue" or perhaps even an email from jimi to the lockkeeper saying "oi! if you don't put me to the front of the queue i will send the cops round to duff you up!". Unsurprisingly, i have found no such evidence.

So, in my final judgement EITHER jimi is a conniving git OR he is white as driven snow. So, um i suppose that's thhat. At least i didn't waste my time, cos at least i have narrowed it down to one of the two options, although admittedly those were given at the start, ahem. And there is no reason at all to doubt his story that it is all okay. Apart from the other stuff, that wasn't part of the report. I make no comment on his hat, which is rubbish.

 

[Evadne]

This is a really important report because it poses important questions that the government really must be held accountable for. Why did so many people forget what happened so comprehensively? Where are the missing emails? And why did Jimi go into the lock with the letter to the lock keeper in his pocket that day, unless he intended to jump the queue? The system has been in need of an overhaul for years and this is just the bandwagon, sorry opportunity for thousands of journalists, politicians and pundits to use to make their valuable opinions forcefully known to an avidly interested public. As Mr. J. Public said yesterday: "What? Oh him, who gives a f....."
Back to our studio in London.

 

[StugeronSteve]

DSC Log: GR to Lock Keeper:- ["No favours, just a little faster than usual would be nice, like front of the queue. Unless you'd rather spend the rest of your career cleaning barnacles from pontoon piles. xxx DB (whoops, jimi)"]

 

[benjenbav]

Re: The Case for the Defence

M'learned friends, in the words of the eminent Lord Chief Justice Shaggy:
(My girl just caught me) You let her catch you?
(I don't know how I let this happen) With who?
(The girl next door, you know) Man
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you.

I rest my case.