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And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to
make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of
every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark.
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything on board in one year.
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and
all theseas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah
was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is
the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems.
1. I had to get a permit for construction
2. Your plans did not comply with the codes.
3. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
4. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
5. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
6. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
7. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
8. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have
16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
9. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of
each kind aboard.
10. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
11. Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
12. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking Godless, unbelieving people aboard!
13. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the
Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just
got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax as I
failed register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
14. Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I
really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began
to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the
Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
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make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of
every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark.
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything on board in one year.
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and
all theseas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah
was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is
the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems.
1. I had to get a permit for construction
2. Your plans did not comply with the codes.
3. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
4. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
5. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
6. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
7. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
8. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have
16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
9. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of
each kind aboard.
10. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
11. Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
12. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking Godless, unbelieving people aboard!
13. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the
Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just
got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax as I
failed register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
14. Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I
really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began
to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the
Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
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