Sailing and marriage?

BobnLesley said:
"...There was a thread recently about raggies wives and their dislike of sailing. Those who relish it are in the minority..."

Perhaps not directly relevant to 'sailing' per-se, but amongst the long-term sail-cruising community, whilst the overwhelming majority of crews are 'couples' I would estimate that the proportion of those couples in which both partners are in their first marriage must be well below the average for the general demographic for that age-group. I've no idea what current divorce statistics run at, but based on 10+ years of floating around, I would be surprised if more than 10-12% of cruising yotties are cruising with their original partner.
Obviously it's been easy for me: I made the mistake of marrying an Accountant, so Lesley's response to any suggestion of divorce has been to explain in quite explicit detail how and why I couldn't afford to.
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+1 I couldn't agree more . Most of us are on our second if not third or four partners and by then we know what we want out of life and what we looking for , if your plains are to become a live aboard or you have a love for sailing and your single your not going to be looking for a partner who's not interested in boats or someone who gets sea sick just looking at one , tho there are some who think they can charge their partners .
It's a sad case what's happened to the OP , but it happens to many , and usually there more reason why it happens .
The more I read what he write the more I feel he need some kind of help and all the sugestion here good or bad isn't much good to him .
I would hope he stop posting and go and find the help he needs so he can move on with his life .
 
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I love sailing, but my working and parenting life is inland, and my partner is an occasional fairweather passenger. That's fine. I don't want to become a world-girdler or a Med-liveaboard, and my partner is happy for me to do my own thing some weekends and for a few weeks each summer. So, its not always a deal-breaker.
 
Babylon said:
I love sailing, but my working and parenting life is inland, and my partner is an occasional fairweather passenger. That's fine. I don't want to become a world-girdler or a Med-liveaboard, and my partner is happy for me to do my own thing some weekends and for a few weeks each summer. So, its not always a deal-breaker.
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That's how we have operated for 13 years, but now I'm getting ' the treatment ' if I dare to go to the boat, and male sailing friends regarded with hostility, let lone platonic female ones !

I spend the majority of my ' free ' time these days looking after ill parents, or ill g/f or self, or going around antiques markets which we both like.

However if she resents my sailing on the odd chance I can grab it at the moment, that may prove to be testing my patience too far, and having sailed since a boy and had this boat 39 years it won't be the boat I wave goodbye to !
 
Seajet said:
That's how we have operated for 13 years, but now I'm getting ' the treatment ' if I dare to go to the boat, and male sailing friends regarded with hostility, let lone platonic female ones !

I spend the majority of my ' free ' time these days looking after ill parents, or ill g/f or self, or going around antiques markets which we both like.

However if she resents my sailing on the odd chance I can grab it at the moment, that may prove to be testing my patience too far, and having sailed since a boy and had this boat 39 years it won't be the boat I wave goodbye to !
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So can we all look forward to your posting some time in the further :)
 
snowleopard said:
On the subject of shouting. there is only one circumstance where it is OK for a skipper to shout: if the background noise makes it necessary.

Anyone who shouts in other circumstances hasn't done the required preparatory work, e.g. thinking through the evolution in advance, working out what has to be done, briefing the crew, preparing the equipment and considering what might go wrong and what action to take.
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Exactly.

My 3 boat rules when skippering.
No shouting (other than as required to be heard).
No swearing.
One apology per mistake. Forget it and move on.
 
I always make ot clear to my crew that if i shout it is not at them but to them.
I cannot always hear a reply & if they are looking away from me & reply on a whisper i have to repeat what i said
I always say that if they raise a hand or even shout b..x in reply at least i know i have got through & will say no more.
If They are not sure what to do then b..y well say so & i will deal with the issue or help them. If they just stand with there backs to me staring ito space then i am likely to shout just to get a response

As for wives & sailing - when i married my wife 47 years ago my proposal included the words" marry me, marry my boat"
She still quotes that to this day & accepts that so that we often go seperate ways, she to golf etc, me to the boat.
UnlIke many couples we do not live in each others pockets & do many things apart. This makes doing something together that more special.
For instance - as i type this i am sitting in Ostend on the boat having paid for 24 nights. I have sailed here for the Paulusfesteen. When that finishes she will come over for 10 days on the boat with me. After that she goes home & i will go into the dutch canals for 8 days with a couple of friends whilst she goes on a golfing holiday
It has worked for us

As for the OP. I have little sympathy. He has known about his attitude from day one & expected his partner to accept it.
I have seen girls at work in this sort of relationship. Ie.One girl was crying because she had made a break with a partner of 4 years. She. Said he was fine for 1 week of the month & nasy 3 weeks of the month. Her mother had not been told how he hurt her & thought him a lovely man. When she tried to leave him he showered her with phone calls texts, flowers & promises to be good. She took him back & within 3 months he beat her up again only to say sorry afterwards as he could not help it.
I am not saying the op did anything like this but girls do get involved with blokes who are simply ar..holes & yet cannot make the break for various reasons.
If a bloke admits to a temper does it not tell a story & wouldit suggest the girl ( whose side we have not heard) is possibly well shot of him
But - of course that is only reading between the - "oh i am being good now" lines & not really knowing the truth
 
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Daydream believer said:
When she tried to leave him he showered her with phone calls texts, flowers & promises to be good. She took him back & within 3 months he beat her up again only to say sorry afterwards as he could not help it.
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Absolutely. I am told that it is very common for abusive men whose partners have sensibly dumped them to snivel about how much they love her, how much they regret what happened and so on. If they really felt like that they would have addressed it before; it's just a way of dealing with their hurt feelings (if if that matters) and trying to regain face with others.

Lots and lots of people go sailing without treating their partners appallingly. "It's the fault of sailing" is about as convincing as "It's not me, luv, it's the Ace" in the pages of Viz.
 
I can certainly recognise what JD describes. A couple of years back a boat approached a Portsmouth fueling pontoon downtide and downwind, whereupon he ordered his hapless wife to leap off with the bowline! She pulled it with all her might and made it fast, whereupon the bow hit the pontoon and the guy pirouetted around with the boat in forward gear (!!) ....all the while yelling a stream of ultra-nasty obscenities at her.

Before long a string of sailors were taking the opportunity to tell them exactly what they thought of him and as ever the Ozzies managed to find the most poetic lines :rolleyes:

Returning to the OP, both he and his wife are in a lousy situation and one feels for both of them. That said, I do think we should desist from trying to judge this too much, based upon what is after all little more than hearsay
 
I know it feels like the end of the world right now and that your wife is "the one", this is how I felt with my first wife but my second wife is much better!

It takes time so spend that time getting to know yourself and getting ready for when you next have a relationship but I wouldn't consider that for at least six months.
 
JumbleDuck said:
Blaming the victims of domestic abuse is rather distasteful.
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Claiming the OP is a domestic abuser is itself distasteful, especially when you do not know any of the facts.

In this day and age it can have the same impact on someones life as labelling them a paedo, and is usually the preserve of bitter (almost always female) ex's in custody battles.

40% of DA is on male victims.

You really have sunk low this time.
 
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Comrade Red said:
Claiming the OP is a domestic abuser is itself distasteful, especially when you do not know any of the facts.

In this day and age it can have the same impact on someones life as labelling them a paedo, and is usually the preserve of bitter (almost always female) ex's in custody battles.

40% of DA is on male victims.

You really have sunk low this time.
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But to be fair the op admits bad temper & admits he has wronged his partner. Bad tempers are a form of domestic abuse.
Even at 69 years of age i still get a pull in my gut when i recall, as a small boy, my father yelling abuse at my mother whilst i lay in fear in the bedroom. It is something i cannot seem to get rid of & the real reason that i never argue with my wife. We may bicker on the odd occassion & she will often tell me b..x but that is it & we never let it last. It is also why we do so much apart so that we are never always " in each others face" so as not to get to a situation where we might want to argue. It has worked well for 47 years
 
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I think people are misstaken yelling and shouting as people being abusive to each other .
If that was the case 90% of people that live in the med abused .
You just need to Listen to an Italian on the phone walking down the street shouting and waving his hand , when all his doing is asking his wife what she like for her birthday .
 
My temper/anger directed towards my ex was abuse...

...not physical abuse...

...but psychological and emotional abuse.

I'm disgusted with myself.

Only now can I admit I abused my ex.

My frail olde parents are disgusted with me.

Despite the fact my father used to treat my mother in a similar fashion.

They've lasted 35+ years together.

I guess they're old fashioned.

Keep clam and carry on attitudes.

Stiff upper lips and all that.

I suppose modern relationships are completely different

I hate seeing spouses being berated by their other half.

But somehow I deemed it ok to berate my ex.

What the hell is wrong with me.

Word of warning this thread should be.
 
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Comrade Red said:
Claiming the OP is a domestic abuser is itself distasteful, especially when you do not know any of the facts.

In this day and age it can have the same impact on someones life as labelling them a paedo, and is usually the preserve of bitter (almost always female) ex's in custody battles.

40% of DA is on male victims.

You really have sunk low this time.
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Exactly. I was a little surprised and pleased when the forum showed it actually had compassion for one of its fellow forum members. However some seam to know everything and don't seam to care who they might hurt with their assumptions.

Steveeasy
 
Daydream believer said:
But to be fair the op admits bad temper & admits he has wronged his partner. Bad tempers are a form of domestic abuse.
Even at 69 years of age i still get a pull in my gut when i recall, as a small boy, my father yelling abuse at my mother whilst i lay in fear in the bedroom. It is something i cannot seem to get rid of & the real reason that i never argue with my wife. We may bicker on the odd occassion & she will often tell me b..x but that is it & we never let it last. It is also why we do so much apart so that we are never always " in each others face" so as not to get to a situation where we might want to argue. It has worked well for 47 years
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Very Fair comment. But that's life, and you both gained from it and suffered as a consequence. We are all in hindsight aware of lifes pitfalls, but none of us are perfect at all. MY father had his failings, his actions had an impact on our family, but he was a good man. I learnt from his failings, my sons have learnt from mine and that is that. When an individual identifies and acknowledges his failings or weaknesses we should accept these as genuine, not go for the ankles like wolves.

Steveeasy
 
steveeasy said:
Exactly. I was a little surprised and pleased when the forum showed it actually had compassion for one of its fellow forum members. However some seam to know everything and don't seam to care who they might hurt with their assumptions.

Steveeasy
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Steve
Putting to one side what this thread is about for a min .
To have compassion for someone just because his a member of this forum , isn in my books ok , what if someone happen to have killed a child , do we still have compassion for him just because they happen to post here ?

Sorry thread driff .
 
We now started to bring in our parents into this. Like some here I am from an older generation ,
the world was a very different place then .
Policeman would clip you around the ear .
Life was hard and husbands and wife did abuse each other , some times in words other time a lot worst .
 
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