Sailing and marriage?

Seajet said:
Like most of us I reserve my chromium-plated cock-ups for when there's a really big audience, ideally club members...:rolleyes:

The couple I described who were trying to ' look natural ' must have thought everyone was either very friendly or on something, as we were all grinning as we took their lines - with the ' been there, done that ' sort of look to each other.

It's very easy to get overly anxious when sailing, resulting in things like people setting off into real trouble in gales with ' got to be back to the office Monday morning-itis ' as I call it - having done just that and learned to avoid it.

The sooner people realise that sailing dinghies are designed to capsize - one just gets a bit wet then carries on - and a missed tide is not the end of the world, just more fun time on the boat - possibly even nookie if one's lucky - there's a place in Langstone Harbour known as ' Nookie Island ' where people anchor waiting for the tide, they even have tee shirts printed :)- the sooner they can relax and the shouting stops...
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The trick is to not give a damn! The boat doesn't matter, the people watching don't matter. What matters is the crew and their enjotment, after all that is the entire point of going sailing! I have crashed the boat at full pelt into the pontoon when my gearbox jammed. Put a bit of a scrape in the boat but nobody injured and something to laugh about! Things break and get damaged but eventually all boats sink, rot or otherwise die a death. No point getting worked up about it. same goes for cars etc! Life really is too short!
 
Well, i read through all the posts hoping to find the result of when the OP met up with someone for a beer - wondering if he would totally lose it with him as well. Haha.

Anyway, pretty clear from this thread that drying out on a beach is a Bad Idea. I always thought so, really. Unless very flat and familiar beach, perhaps.
 
sniffyjenkins said:
+100 as another woman.

Steveasy, saying something was meant to be taken in jest (and then blaming women for being offended and "taking it personally": classic gaslighting) doesn't make your comments any less bone-headed and sexist.


There you go, never happy, I offer a genuine apology, when I was just trying to support the OP with something other than similar words to others. I cant recall insulting anyone in particular. as stated complete tosh !!!.
If you want to start a female revolution go ahead. Of course my comment was sexist, in Jest. Ive not signed a declaration that Ill not participate in humour.

Steveeasy
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It takes two to tango. Stop beating yourself up.

Go sailing and enjoy it.

Plenty more fish in the sea

(Take no heed of my advice - I am notoriously bad at relationships :) )
 
Or twin keeler or lift keeler handled to suit.

Funny how ' Bloody Pedant ' comes up in rows - at least I think that's what she said but may be developing a lisp out of sheer frustration...
 
pmagowan said:
As for CBT this seems to be the best current therapy for these types of issues and allows you to understand your responses and how you can alter them to improve your life.
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So I understand. But also consider - in due course - undertaking a good anger-management course. You'll no doubt not only learn much about your own issues and how to navigate them more happily, but you'll also learn heaps from other participants' expression of their own stuff.

Comrade Red said:
It takes two to tango. Stop beating yourself up.

Go sailing and enjoy it.

Plenty more fish in the sea

(Take no heed of my advice - I am notoriously bad at relationships :) )
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I agree! You've also got to get on with your life, with sailing, and with future relationship(s).

And now the controversial bit: reading between a few lines, its quite possible that your soon-to-be-ex-wife isn't entirely innocent in the failure of the relationship and the sailing together. That isn't to absolve yourself of blame, but - as CR says - it takes two to tango! With a different woman you'll find a different dynamic and, with the greater self-understanding if you engage with therapy openly and willingly, you'll be able to share activities together in a more healthy way.

PS - How are you Comrade you old cock?!! ;)
 
Thanks Seajet and others.

I've fought and lost.

I'm doing all the things she wanted me to do years ago.

I'm seeking help.

I'm getting CBT.

I'm giving her space.

Its just too late.

She just doesn't want me back.

Theres only so much begging and pleading a man can do.

Sailing brings out the best and worst in people.

The worst in me.

The best in her.

We had our problems, much like other couples.

But sailing exacerbated those problems.

My problems.

Looking at renting a flat/house now.

1000 quid a month for diddly squat.

Cant afford that alone.

Considering moving onto the boat.

300 quid a month at the marina with free parking, wifi, electricity, water and no council tax.

Will sell my car to buy out her share in the boat.

Sad times.

If I'd only sought help sooner.

This thread should act as a warning to any other Captain Blighs out there.

Treat her/him with respect.

Get help ASAP with any anger problems.

And your life will be good and happy.

My life without her starts now.
 
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Ok. You've had your pity party. Now man up.

It takes two to tango so stop taking all the blame - 50% is hers!!!

Go live on your boat - a great option.

Sign up to POF or Match for some fun - you aren't looking for a life partner just some female company and fun again.

Get excited about the future - you only have one life so go out and live it.

And you know what? Once she see's you getting on with your life she may just think again.

There is nothing attractive about a man beating himself up 'cos he wasn't Cosmopolitan perfect.
 
Babylon said:
So I understand. But also consider - in due course - undertaking a good anger-management course. You'll no doubt not only learn much about your own issues and how to navigate them more happily, but you'll also learn heaps from other participants' expression of their own stuff.



I agree! You've also got to get on with your life, with sailing, and with future relationship(s).

And now the controversial bit: reading between a few lines, its quite possible that your soon-to-be-ex-wife isn't entirely innocent in the failure of the relationship and the sailing together. That isn't to absolve yourself of blame, but - as CR says - it takes two to tango! With a different woman you'll find a different dynamic and, with the greater self-understanding if you engage with therapy openly and willingly, you'll be able to share activities together in a more healthy way.

PS - How are you Comrade you old cock?!! ;)
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Lining up another future ex-wife, and working out how to give another house away ;)

Definition of marriage - giving a house to someone you hate.

Are you hitched again? Or what? And how's the young 'un?
 
Comrade Red said:
Ok. You've had your pity party. Now man up.

It takes two to tango so stop taking all the blame - 50% is hers!!!

Go live on your boat - a great option.

Sign up to POF or Match for some fun - you aren't looking for a life partner just some female company and fun again.

Get excited about the future - you only have one life so go out and live it.

And you know what? Once she see's you getting on with your life she may just think again.

There is nothing attractive about a man beating himself up 'cos he wasn't Cosmopolitan perfect.
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I'll try.
 
Comrade Red said:
Lining up another future ex-wife, and working out how to give another house away ;)

Are you hitched again? Or what? And how's the young 'un?
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Semi-detached last three or so years, engaged last 18mths, just temporarily moved in whilst her cottage being renovated, permanent live-together intended but lovely slow negotiation...!

Kid now doing really well. Other stuff to fill you in on, best pick up the blower ;)
 
On the subject of shouting. there is only one circumstance where it is OK for a skipper to shout: if the background noise makes it necessary.

Anyone who shouts in other circumstances hasn't done the required preparatory work, e.g. thinking through the evolution in advance, working out what has to be done, briefing the crew, preparing the equipment and considering what might go wrong and what action to take.
 
snowleopard said:
Anyone who shouts in other circumstances hasn't done the required preparatory work, e.g. thinking through the evolution in advance, working out what has to be done, briefing the crew, preparing the equipment and considering what might go wrong and what action to take.
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Ah, but that only covers the known unknowns. Then there's the unknown unknowns!;)

Not to mention human frailty.:eek:
 
thecommander said:
I see it all the time.

Husband buys a big yacht which he can't handle alone.

Tries to rope wife into helping him.

Wife doesn't like it.

Boat only gets used when its a F3 and sunny.

My ex is completely different.

She is a very keen sailor.

She is a better sailor than me.

Perhaps this is why we clashed.

I should have let her skipper and tell me what to do.

Shes going to make another sailor very happy some day.

Wont be me.
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I posted recently about a conversation I had with a neighbour many years ago. He said ' People buy a boat for £30 grand and then deny their wives £300 for an air ticket to come and meet them on the spot.'

If you want to get your wife back IMHO the only way will be to be patient and play the long game. Send her a letter setting out the principal points that you make on here and wish her the very best for the future. Send her flowers from time to time - birthdays etc but also for no reason. Ask her to state exactly what it was that went wrong - tell her you don't want to make the same mistakes in the future.

Then be patient. If it's not going to happen you will know that you tried and are a better person because of it.

Also, as a Christian I know that prayer helps. Would it harm you to try?
 
To the commander:- your posts have been most thought-provoking and while joint sailing has never been on the cards for my wife and myself (she tried and got chronically sick on several occasions), we have found other ways to beat each other up over the years.

We did attend marriage counselling for several months but then realised that the £50 fee for arguing in front of a third party could have been saved by staying at home and fighting for free! Eight years down the line from those sessions we are still together and mainly happy with each other.

At the end of the day, nobody is perfect and it seems to me that you appreciate the direction to take to progress in life.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Beelzebub
 
"...There was a thread recently about raggies wives and their dislike of sailing. Those who relish it are in the minority..."

Perhaps not directly relevant to 'sailing' per-se, but amongst the long-term sail-cruising community, whilst the overwhelming majority of crews are 'couples' I would estimate that the proportion of those couples in which both partners are in their first marriage must be well below the average for the general demographic for that age-group. I've no idea what current divorce statistics run at, but based on 10+ years of floating around, I would be surprised if more than 10-12% of cruising yotties are cruising with their original partner.
Obviously it's been easy for me: I made the mistake of marrying an Accountant, so Lesley's response to any suggestion of divorce has been to explain in quite explicit detail how and why I couldn't afford to.
 
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