theguvnor
Well-Known Member
> >Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank. The Bank Manager thought it
> >amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian.
> >
> >Dear Sir,
> >
> >I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
> >to
> >pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
> >have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
> >account
> >of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
> >monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has
> >only
> >been in place for eight years.
> >You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
> >also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
I
> >caused to your bank.
> >
> >My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
> >me
> >to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal
> >righteousness.
> >No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents,
> >for
> >I am restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
> >attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
> >compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this
> >end,
> >please be advised about the following changes:
> >
> >I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and
> >letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
> >ever-changing, pre-
> >recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I,
like
> >you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person My mortgage and
loan
> >repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but
will
> >arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially
to
> >an employee at your branch whom you must
> >nominate.
> >You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other
> >person to open such an envelope.
> >
> >Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your
> >chosen employee to complete.
> >I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
> >him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
> >note
> >that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
> >Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
> >(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
> >proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> >he/she must quote in dealings with me.
> >
> >I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> >modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account
> >balance on your phone bank service.
> >As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
> >
> >Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
> >telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
> >My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
> >any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated
> >voice service:
> >
> >Press buttons as follows:
> >1. To make an appointment to see me.
> >2. To query a missing payment.
> >3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> >4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> >5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> >6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> >7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
> >required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised
> >Contact.
> >8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
> >9. To make a general complaint or enquiry. The contact will then be put
on
> >hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
> >While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
> >play
> >for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The
> >Best of
> >Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every
> >door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated
for."
> >
> >On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
> >often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost
> >which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
> >kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
> >advertising
> >material you send me.
> >This I will read for a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised
> >Contact will be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any
> >debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for
the
> >dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
> >My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to
keep
> >your inquiries brief and to the point.
> >
> >Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> >establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> >
> >May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
> >
> >Your Humble Client,
<hr width=100% size=1>
> >amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian.
> >
> >Dear Sir,
> >
> >I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
> >to
> >pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
> >have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
> >account
> >of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
> >monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has
> >only
> >been in place for eight years.
> >You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
> >also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
I
> >caused to your bank.
> >
> >My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
> >me
> >to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal
> >righteousness.
> >No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents,
> >for
> >I am restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
> >attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
> >compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this
> >end,
> >please be advised about the following changes:
> >
> >I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and
> >letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
> >ever-changing, pre-
> >recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I,
like
> >you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person My mortgage and
loan
> >repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but
will
> >arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially
to
> >an employee at your branch whom you must
> >nominate.
> >You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other
> >person to open such an envelope.
> >
> >Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your
> >chosen employee to complete.
> >I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
> >him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
> >note
> >that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
> >Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
> >(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
> >proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> >he/she must quote in dealings with me.
> >
> >I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> >modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account
> >balance on your phone bank service.
> >As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
> >
> >Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
> >telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
> >My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
> >any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated
> >voice service:
> >
> >Press buttons as follows:
> >1. To make an appointment to see me.
> >2. To query a missing payment.
> >3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> >4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> >5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> >6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> >7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
> >required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised
> >Contact.
> >8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
> >9. To make a general complaint or enquiry. The contact will then be put
on
> >hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
> >While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
> >play
> >for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The
> >Best of
> >Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every
> >door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated
for."
> >
> >On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
> >often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost
> >which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
> >kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
> >advertising
> >material you send me.
> >This I will read for a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised
> >Contact will be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any
> >debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for
the
> >dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
> >My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to
keep
> >your inquiries brief and to the point.
> >
> >Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> >establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> >
> >May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
> >
> >Your Humble Client,
<hr width=100% size=1>
