My tiller looks like a massive cock, any woodcarvers

That is how I tiller my boat. It does get you funny looks but it is very convenient and frees the hands up. You can stand with your hands in your pockets wiggling your hips as required. I also have the mainsheet traveller behind me so I can almost perch on it in quite a comfortable if overtly odd fashion.
When motoring home after racing it was my habit to steer our Sigma 33 by standing with the tiller tucked between my thighs, it was handy when you were having a beer or a bacon roll, the girls in the crew took some photos, at the time I did not realize why, I hope they took them home to hang in the bedroom.
 
Don't what your issue is - now't wrong with it. Leave it be and continue to enjoy the admiring glances from the ladies as you straddle the helm.
 
Instead of carving anything off it, why not add a bit, as a grab-handle? ;)

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