Monday morning chuckle

[mithril]

One day, Jones was in town picking up supplies. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases back to his boat. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said Jones, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Pier 15 Town Dock?" Jones said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my boats at Pier 16. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" Jones said, "Holy Moses, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[BlueSkyNick]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The
distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the Duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped
up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.

 

[drawp]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said
to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way
around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[pelissima]

"I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!!"

> >Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work
> >today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
> >I not come work."

> >The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
> >feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes
> >everything better and I can go to work. You try.

> >Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I

> >feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

[Plan_B]

That was dreadful ... thank you Peter.


DD

 

[GeorgeP]

Excellent!

 

[doris]

Haven't got a Lexus have you ???