Message from the Reverend tcm

[tcm]

How do you know who you're chatting with, eh? Are they ratbags? Criminals? Or, like me, fully Ordained Ministers.

As I have recommended to the Reverend Coliholic, at matins, it's often very useful to be ordained, doing marruiages on board, tipping people off the boat with a big sheet, getting at the front of a crowd of people round an road accident, not doing jury duty and excommunicating uppitty marine suppliers....

http://www.ulc.org/hq/

 

[paulineb]

The Irreverent Rev tcm

You must be to most irreverent reverend since the Vicar of Dibley

Pxx

 

[BarryH]

Re: The Irreverent Rev tcm

OOOhh does that me tcm has a luverly pair of spherical fenders up front!

 

[paulineb]

Re: The Irreverent Rev tcm

Bit lower than that I suspect.

BTW, where do you moor your boat Barry ?

Pxx

 

[hlb]

Helpfull message from offshore fleet.


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Haydn

 

[BarryH]

Re: The Irreverent Rev tcm

Ehhh don't. you just reminded me of the mother-out-law, Normally the boat is down in poole, but unfortunatly the mooring has had to be lifted, and i'm not sure wether they will relay it. The mooring owners are giving up, due to their age. They rekon its not worth the hassel. I've offered to buy the rights from them, but at this stage they aint that sure,
So the boats at home so to speak, well on a farm just up the road, quiet handy really, i can get away and play to my hearts content, last weekend i circumnavigated britain in about 4 hours, not bad really.

Regards BarryH

 

[paulineb]

Re: The Irreverent Rev tcm

Thought you might be at Penton Hook, Surrey

Pxx

 

[ToMo]

Tantrums

Why didn't you tell us all this before?.......this can be used in mitigation for the alcohol abuse and all the throwing things about of last night.....now I can forgive you, poor lad!
tcm give him a blessing for goodness sake; drive those tormenting devils from him!! ;-))
TôMö

 

[paulineb]

Confession

Are you empowered to hear confession your worshipfulness ?

Pxx

 

[Guest]

Re: Confession

yes, he can, Pauline. In fact, I've just been ordained, too, and the only thing Matt & I aren't allowed to do is circumcision. But I understand you can only do that in a yacht anyway, on account of the fuel range.

 

[coliholic]

Re: Confession

As a fully ordained Minister and I have the Certificate to prove it, you can now call me Reverend Coliholic, I am quite prepared to hear your confession pauline. So down on your knees and start.

 

[paulineb]

Re: Confession

That's what Mr B says to me ;-)

Pxx

 

[coliholic]

Religious Q for Rev tcm

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Scots, but not Welsh. Can you clarify? Why can't I own a Welshman?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination * Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.


Rev Coliholic

 

[tcm]

Gerroff the hem of my garment!

Jeez, you don't half drone on now you're a reverend eh?

I wouldn't worry too much with all that Levitcus stuff, it's derived from Egyptians and then Hebrews, slightly mad out of the way sect, especially Leviticus. You shouldn't read the Bible too seriously, but use it wisely, praps for keeping doors open and the like.

Anyway, it's not too bad about things being an "abomination", after all, what about your fender knots, eh? Smiting them didn't do any good, either, did it? Neither did all that taking the Lords name in vain. See?

As for asking for money for your daughter, I'd agree that it's ridiculouy and an outrage, but I would recommend that you use the proper name of your boat in future, and stop calling it your "daughter".

Anyway, I hope you're having fun with your Do-it-yourself Crucifixtion Kit. Novices sometimetimes have problems with it. That's right, it's blimmin difficult to get the last nail in! Ask your wife to help.