In-Flight Safety (Fun)

[Divemaster1]

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:

1) From a XYZ Airlines employee.. . "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...

2) Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land.. it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3) After landing: "Thank you for flying XYZ Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a XYZ flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6) From a XYZ Airlines employee.. . . "Welcome aboard XYZ Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7) Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than XYZ Airlines.

8) "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9) "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10) "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11) From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry,...unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

12) Overheard on an XYZ Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13) Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15) After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16) Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at XYZ Airways."


AHM

 

[Steve_Bentley]

He he. Reminds me of a flight I took about 8 years ago. We've all had some ropey landings but by far the worst I've had was a trip to Orlando in a jet so small it had to refuel at Newfoundland to get there. It was August and as we approached Orlando a big storm left us circling for 40 minutes as the tower had been knocked-out by lightning. We were falling and rising hundreds of feet at a time ('one thousand, two thousand, three thousand....'etc) and kids were screaming and the adults either looked green from all the motion or had rather thoughtful expressions. Maybe I'm too stupid but I was quite relaxed as if I can't control a situation I can't see the point of worrying. I think I was the only one that noticed they kept turning up the music to drown the commotion. I then noticed a C&W song had a somewhat mournful tone (don't they all?) and, no word of a lie, the chorus had words to the effect of 'getting ready to meet my maker'! Of course I found this highly amusing so those sitting near me probably weren't impressed with the sight of me laughing. Who said the Amercian don't understand irony? Anyway we more or less ran out of fuel and were forced to land like it or not in Tampa, refuel and sit out the storm then make the short flight to Orlando after an hour.

 

[nicho]

We once made a heavy landing on a BA flight into Heathrow during a vicious squall. Having bounced a few times, our Captain came on to apologise for the less than perfect landing..."as you can see ladies and gentleman", he said, "it's raining hard here at Heathrow - unfortunately it has not softened the tarmac!!"

 

[peterb]

Did some work at Royal Aircraft Establishment to measure vertical velocity at touchdown. Found that some airports systematically had higher touchdown velocities. Initially assumed that these were the difficult ones, but couldn't see why. Asked a retired airline pilot, to get the reply "Those are the fields where it's unlikely that any other pilot will be watching. That's when we can let the stewardess do a landing."

 

[Viking]

I remember my first trip across the 'pond' early 70s At night the Pan-Am jumbo jet had to make and unscheduled stop at Bangor, Maine. (on route to New York) In the darkness we could see engineers climbing over on of the engines. With that a 'vitualing wagon' arrives its trailier jack up and one of the cabin doors opened and in walk a figure pushing a sack track stacked with boxes of the small tins of Coke Cola you get on airlines.
A big Texasan standing in the alse look up at me and drouled "Guddamit, the only airline in the world to stop a pick up Coke"!

 

[Trevethan]

Was on a flight, London to Vancouver this summer, the pilot was doing the usual no smoking message, explaining that the washrooms were fitted with sensitive smoke detectors etc. then he said

"If you still feel that you have to smoke, please contact a flight attendant, who will take you to the special smoking section."

All the smokers onbioard seemed quite excited by this, until he added

"This is located on the port wing, outboard of engine number four. However it can be a little windy out there."

Nick

Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

 

[Dave_Snelson]

Hey, I work for C&W!! I didn't know they had a company song. Tell you what though, if Cable & Wireless do have a song, it'll be very mournful right now

Madoc Yacht Club
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.madocyachtclub.co.uk>http://www.madocyachtclub.co.uk</A>

 

[nicho]

A very experienced training Captain with a UK airline, had with him a brand new First Officer, just out of training, who made real fist of his first "public" landing. Taxiing in, the captain thanked his passengers for flying with XYZ Airlines, and proceeded to apologise for the "appalling" landing just carried out by his First Officer. The new lad was mortified, and nearly in tears when he got to the ops room. Other colleagues did their best to console him, explaining that the Captain was a real B......d, and would one day cock up a landing when they were again flying together, giving him the opportunity to get his revenge.

Sure enough three weeks later they were again rostered together , and approaching Heathrow with the Captain flying,, wind shear caught the plane - it lost lift and hit the tarmac really hard. Whilst he was trying to sort out the subsequent bouncing, the First Officer got on the PA, and apologised for the dreadful landing. "....certainly not of the standard one would expect from a very senior pilot..."

The Captain tried to prevent this transmission (unsuccessfully), by grabbing the 'mike', and asked, "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"Well Captain" came the indignant reply, "may I take you back three weeks when you did exactly the same to me on my first day. Now we're even, and I hope we can call it quits" - "No we can't, you little pillock" replied El Kapitano "when I did it, I didn't press the transmit button...........!!!"

I understand the Captain no longer plays these practical jokes..!

 

[nicho]

A pal of mine has a small single engine plane (Rockwell Commander), and was approaching Manchester Airport main runway - waiting in the taxi way to take off was an American 747, and as he approached he could see all the passengers looking out of their windows. Determined to make a good landing, he held off and held off, gradually allowing the speed to gradually drop, and let the aircraft sink gently onto the tarmac. Halfway through this delicate manoeuvre, the 747 pilot came on the radio and said........"Come on Buddy, we havn't got all day....!"

 

[Skyva_2]

During a landing at San Franciso, the captain announced,

'Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out your left window you will see another aircraft landing parallel with us. You will be pleased to know he is not using the same runway as us.....'


Going into Chicago in really bad visibility:
'Ladies and gentlemen, you will be relieved to know that I have just sighted Chicago O'Hare.....'


Landing at Farnborough (in a Met Flight Hastings, no less) in equally bad vis.
ATC - 'you are on track, but high on the glide path'.

Many more messages all confirming on track but high on the glide path; eventually came 'you are obviously not listening to a word I'm saying, go round again....'


At Heathrow many years ago, the aircraft taxied to the terminal, then a long wait ensued while we waited to disembark.

Captain: ' You may be aware that a few months ago BOAC merged with BEA. Unfortunately the ground crews were not informed, hence the wait for the steps and coaches to enable you to leave the aircraft'.

Keith