How to introduce your partner to sailing?

J

john_morris_uk

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Reading peoples posts about buying their first boat, how about some suggestions on 'how to introduce your partner to sailing'?

I know its too late for lots of us here, but I am sorry when I meet so many people who sail without their 'other half'. Before any of you jump down my throat about political incorrectness I am going to refer to partner as 'she'. For those women on here I apologise but I also speak as I find and its usually men who turn into manic monsters when they cast off from land. If its also sexist to suggest that women in general are fussy about the cleanliness of the loo, then shoot me down in flames - its what I have found to be true throughout my short life.

So here goes for my suggestion:

Dear 'New or Aspiring Boat Owner',

Might I humbly suggest that you are VERY careful about how you introduce SWMBO to sailing? There are far to many 'sailing widows and widowers' ie people whose partners do not share their love for getting cold and wet and miserable which is the truth about much UK channel sailing.

Choose your day VERY carefully. Perhaps don't even put the sails up the first time - or consider a gentle downwind sail under genoa only. Get some chilled white wine and her favourite small eats. Make a very short passage and anchor somewhere. Don't raise your voice - if you are in charge and ir goes wrong - its your fault. Look after her and then take her home.

Make sure that the toilet is clean and DOESN'T SMELL. (I have personally replaced the heads in every boat we have owned to please my SWMBO)

First impressions last, and hopefully she will remember a nice day and think its worth going again. If you introduce the bad bits slowly, she might remember that its only temporary misery until we get to a good bit again.

I firmly believe that there are enough nice days of sailing in UK waters to keep us all coming back for more. But only JUST enough nice days...

Boats are strange places, and for those of us who have sailed a lot, we forget how strange and frightening the simple act of the boat heeling to the breeze can be. Newcomers can feel 'out of control' and this breeds fear. It doesn't take much to get used to it all, but first impressions count.
 
20 years ago, when we first met ... and it was a case of ... Love me ... Love my sailing ... she's a good & reliable race crew ... and these days I don't have to touch the tiller (sometimes I have to ask to have a go! /forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif )
 
You might also ask yourself

If she had a passion you didn't share, which took up most of her free time, especially in summer, and in which context she was invariably in charge, how would you feel about giving up most of your free time and opportunities to do what you wanted to do in order to share it?

Don't underestimate what you are asking for.
 
I'm one of those who found sailing a mixed experience when HWMBO introduced me to it. I did one day-sail a year with him for the first 12 years of marriage, picking the nicest possible day with the least wind and going out for a maximum of 5 hours. Usually it was OK but I did get afraid in larger waves and more wind (the boat was a 23ft Westerley).

When we bought our own boat, a Bav 34, I encouraged him to buy it as I knew it was his dream. Plus I thought a larger boat would be more stable and less 'tippy'. In some ways it was, and in some ways it wasn't.

I can remember in the summer of 2006 feeling that my stomach was churning in fear before going out in the boat, even in good weather, because of a learned response from previous sails. This was partly because I wasn't sure about the weather (waves of 1 metre terrified me, more than F3 wind terrified me) and also because, when sailing, there are times when the skipper has to get you to do something. They usually shout something like "head up" which is completely incomprehensible (or you find yourself looking at the top of the mast) and then shout at you for not doing the right thing, giving you dire warnings of what might happen if you gybe (global thermonuclear war will ensue). Not meaning to be sexist here either but women are generally less strong than men and yet we get to be the ones to leap off the boat onto the pontoon and try to haul in/tie up a 6.5 ton lump of plastic - if, like me, you've only got one hand you can use for weight-bearing jobs because of disability, that's a problem.

There were times last summer when I thought it would be better if I didn't do any sailing but just let HWMBO go out on his own. He was very good when I was on the boat (most of the time!) and would reef at the first puff of wind, not sail on too much of a heeling heading, and we would never set out if the waves were too bad (and one time we set out, turned round in the harbour, dropped me off in the lock, and then he carried on).

This year is an entirely different kettle of fish as with the catamaran I never feel scared or unsafe, there's no heeling and waves don't seem to bother me or the boat. Because of the less stress on me there's less stress on the skipper and consequently no shouting. I am now the helmswoman which is a very sensible option as it doesn't take strength to steer a boat - HWMBO can leap off onto pontoons with various ropes and he knows how to tie good knots too.

Oh, and I have to say that some people (me, for example) would probably never get used to heeling and would never feel safe during it (because of only being able to hang on one-handed). If we'd kept out Bav34 I would have only sailed in flat calm/no wind situations which would be a real shame; another partner to a sailor I know just grits and bears her teeth through the sailing because she wants to share the time with her husband but really she doesn't like it.

My suggestions:

(a) keep the jargon to a minimum. In moments of stress, shout "turn the boat left a bit" or "pull that blue-and-white rope"
(b) rig a preventer to stop the gybing risk if it's such a big deal, or make sure someone in the know is always steering - don't frighten the passengers!
(c) don't expect women to be able to do things physically that you can. Maybe they can, but they might not be able to, and no-one wants to feel a wimp. If there's rope-pulling and other grunt work to do, perhaps you should do it
(d) women can drive cars OK (although some might debate this); they can also drive boats OK - so let them do it if they feel confident enough. And don't keep giving them advice the whole time, particularly if it's clear they know what they're doing - it's patronising
(e) if something goes wrong, don't shout at them; they didn't shout at you when it went wrong for you last week!
(f) if it's going to be stressy getting the sails down and everything put away as you travel up the busy river with boats moored either side, take the sails down earlier! Reduce stress by not getting yourself into a stressy situation where you're fiddling with bits of string whilst your lady is steering the boat up an obstacle course alley
(g) reef early. Speed may be fun but you could end up singlehanding for the rest of your life. When she gets used to it you can be more adventurous with the sailing.
(h) don't go out in bad seas with newcomers. Even 'moderate' might be a bit much and put 'em off.
(i) if your passenger doesn't like heeling, don't sail at such angles. It might be more boring for you but might make it less terrifying for her.
(j) don't go out for too long. Usually 3-4 hours is enough. Any more than that and the fun pales into boredom and a desire to get feet onto terra firma. This also probably means SWMBO doesn't have to use the loo at all, smelly or not!

MrsChellers
 
Ah, we had a great day as I remember! The engine wasn't as reliable as I would have wished and there was no reverse but come on! Asked SWMBO to give me a hand with the locks. The engine would die as soon as I reved it down so it'd be up to her to prevent us from crashing into other boats etc. Wich she did, sort of. Usually we had to be towed out because I couldn't restart the engine. I decided to call the AA to have a look at the engine and we stayed overnight at a public mooring. Naturally there was a thunderstorm, nothing to get excited about but the only significant leak happened to be just above SWMBOs bunk.
I wonder why she looked that miserable after our little trip. Seems women don't get the "ah, one day we'll laugh about it all" thing. Or that day just hasn't arrived...
 
Just had to do a quick check to make sure that SWMBO wasnt writing here under the name of Mrs Chellers! She could easily have been so.

We too have the "heeling issue". Mrs Wotayottie isnt worried about waves, and unlike me doesnt seem to be worried by shrieking wind noise. But she doesnt like heeling. We went the cat route for 7 years and she was happy. Sadly, I found the Prout to be no sailing fun - just a comfortable floating caravan. So we are back to a mono and I just have to accept that when I race with pals as crew, the boat is well heeled and going like a train. When I cruise with SWMBO on board (note: not crew, thats me) we motorsail to windward to cut the heel. And I have to recognise that she goes for the destination whilst I go for the journey. And lastly, she steers onto pontoons, buoys etc whilst I do the heavy bit - and tbh she makes a bl**dy good job of it too.

Most of the men in my club sail on their own and often the reason is that they have done the macho man thrash to windward in a 6 bit with their wife on board. She has decided that she prefers to be comfortable at home rather than cold wet and uncomfortable in the boat so he becomes a single hander.
 
Re: You might also ask yourself

[ QUOTE ]
If she had a passion you didn't share, which took up most of her free time, especially in summer, and in which context she was invariably in charge, how would you feel about giving up most of your free time and opportunities to do what you wanted to do in order to share it?

Don't underestimate what you are asking for.

[/ QUOTE ]
Hmm ... she does - its called being married ... (sorry dear? you want another cup of tea? ok, I'll put the kettle on, finish the ironing and make you a cup of tea .... oh ... do you mind just lifting your feat whilst I hover the carpet in front of your seat? thanks love ... ) /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
 
SWMBO came along after the boat, so it was a case of love me, love my boat - and she does.

But she has rules. She had never set foot on a small boat before meeting me, and is only 4' 10"; she reserves the right to say no if I ask her to do something she is nervous/not strong enough/not confident enough to do. So we need to think ahead a bit, but also we have didvided tasks accordingly. For example Di would never be happy stepping off the boat onto the pontoon as we come in to moor up, so she helms, and I do the lines.

Di would not be comfortable handling sails on the foredeck so we have ensured she is comfortable on the helm while I go forward.

An Achilles 24 is not the most comfortable boat to live on, so another of her rules is that we do not cook on the boat, we always eat out, and we only overnight where she can get a shower ashore.

All the above is fine by me.

Di loves sailing, and particularly likes it when the boat heels.

Previous SWMBO (to whom I was married for 28 years before being let off) wouldn't entertain the idea of sailing so I single handed dinghies until we parted.

I feel very fortunate when I read about reluctant other halves. If there is any hesitation from your SWMBO about sailing, agreeing on rules and parameters which you are both comfortable with is the way to go. There is nothing like sitting in the cockpit after a great days sailing, with the one you love.
 
Second wives are best. They know you are a muppet with no chance of reform.

Stick with it, my wife (number 2) went from being unimpressed with a yacht heeling to qualifying as an Ocean Yachtmaster over 12 years. It just seemed like 3 Ming Dynasties.

Softly, softly.
 
One of these works
LW06_RS800Nats_146.jpg
 
Mrs Chellers has it right.

I was lucky in that SWMBO loved the Med charter so I tried her with a Western Isles charter. Rounding Aaran and heading towards Campbelltown in a force 6 with cold waves coming over, lee rail well under and her hanging by her harness because her legs didn't reach the other side of the cockpit would have been worrying if it weren't for the grin! When she said it was much better than swanning around the Med I knew she'd be okay.

Because of her work I normally sail alone so when she does come she doesn't need to do anything if she doesn't want to.

Luckily, she has always loved camping and likes anchoring up deserted creeks for the night.

TigaWave,

Is that a Cherub? Maybe a Chris Foreman design?
 
My mistake as leaving the Navy 57 years ago as a Nationalserviceman for tha woman who was to become SWMBO - I don't think I would have come out otherwise.
I think i got off on the wrong foot when I bought my boat in the wee small hours on E bay - we had gone along to Oare Creek and I pointed out this boat and said that I thought this was the boat that was on Ebay, she of course showed little interest and of course I couldn't say if I intended to buy it - I didn't know what the price would be - did I?
She says if she ever comes down to the boat, it will be with a drill!
Yes we still enjoy each other's company.
 
I taught SWMBO to sail on a similar twin trapeze dinghy. Because I had never helmed and trapezed at the same time, it meant we were actually learning together. Given the nature of the boat it was a lot of fun, which was a distraction from the fact that it was cold/wet etc.

I'll always remember the looks I got as the boat shot off because I had missed my trapeze hook and exited out the back - inevitable capsize and lots of laughing resulted.....
 
My wife hasn't even seen my boat!! Refuses point blank to go anywhere near it as not her thing. Have to repect that I suppose. /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif
 
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