How do you get SWMBO to set foot on board?

[Searush]

(snip)

The answer is if she has lots of experience then no probs; otherwise buy a cat. Nine out ten cat owners say their families prefer it

It may have worked in your case, but I have met a couple who hated their cat because the motion was so sick-making. They couldn't wait to sell it & get back to a "proper" boat (their phrase). You will see from my initial post on this thread that I have had a Cat dinghy so I understand the benefits & disadvantages of the hull form - altho I accept that dinghies are much more lively in all aspects than a cruiser.

 

[kingfisher]

Serious questions and has many facets.

Did your SWMBO never set foot on board, or did she used to come but has kinda stopped over the years?

SWMBO is an avid sailor, and prefers fresh weather. However, sailing is not here sole passion, unlike me. So some weekends she wants us to do other things.

Did she have a horrendous experience and walk off, or did your boat just not have enough charming featuures, such as toilets?

We've had a few, it hasn't stopped us from sailing. One was where the conditions were overwhelming for her. F7 N, Ramsgate-Ostende, she wasn't strong enough for the forces on the rudder. The other one was where I started yelling at her when she kept letting the boat luff up in an F6. Yeah I know, I lost it. I'm trying not to do that again. We now know our limits where it stops to be fun (7Bft)

Did she have a say in what boat?

Not in the current one: I've owned it before SWMBO arrived on the scene. She will have full veto rights on the next one, though.

Did you buy a proper cruising boat and then find she still wouldn't come aboard?

The next boat will be a full option floating caravan. Getting to old and fat for trapeze stunts.

How do you manage to squeeze the budget from an unwilling partner?

I pay for the boat, she pays for the kid (not mine, you see). Trust me, a boat is cheaper.

 

[Master_under_Dog]

We had quite a few years with no boat, and that gap and getting a wee bit older made her very cautious and really quite frightened, so even though I try and tell her that in the winds I sail in, the Dehler will not fall over/capsize, she is now petrified at more than 5 deg of heel or if the wind gusts to 3 or more.

Alfie's experience pretty much matches my own. My wife was introduced to sailing when we bought a Fireball in Uganda and she enjoyed crewing, even hanging from the trapeze when she was nearly eight months pregnant. In South Africa we again raced a Fireball and in Malaysia enjoyed three years racing a GP14. But it has been a long time since we last regularly sailed together and she is now genuinely frightened at more than five degrees of heel. She misses having a race rescue boat in attendance and says she only feels safe when she is within swimming distance of land, even though she knows that the safest thing is to stay with the boat. She has really tried to share my enthusiasm but cannot overcome her fear.

The lack of successful solutions on this forum suggests that this is probably an insuperable problem. And, frankly, without her alongside, sailing simply isn't as much fun. So I may have to face it and take up gardening instead.

Michael

 

[armchairsailor]

The lack of successful solutions on this forum suggests that this is probably an insuperable problem. And, frankly, without her alongside, sailing simply isn't as much fun. So I may have to face it and take up gardening instead.

Perhaps we should set up a separate forum for sailers with aquaphobic partners - mine acknowledges (with a palpable air of resignation) that one day she will have to set foot on a boat, and that I will eventually get one, but so far has avoided ALL efforts to get her near anything of a decent size. She says it's not the water that frightens her, but what's in it...

 

[OGITD]

Why not?

I love sailing. We discuss and have to both agree on boat choice, destinations, timing, whether to go out, when to reef etc (in fact the understanding is that the wimpier one wins there).

I did not understand why so many men were sailing alone - then I saw what they were saying on the forum about their Captain Bligh attitude to crew (inc. SWMBO), and saw in marinas how the poor wife gets all the blame for the hubby's mistakes. Then there's the macho over-confidence and stories about all the disasters they've survived - I suggest you tone those down a bit, boys, stick to the truth when she's listening!

Most of the people who've posted above sail as couples, with or without compromises. But even then some of the remarks are pretty patronising - I hope some of your SWMBO's don't read the forum!

I only use the term “SWMBO” as a comical reference on this forum for obvious reasons. Much better than “The Ball & Chain” etc, etc, which some people tend to use in open conversation.
I too discuss all options of when to reef, destination and activities once there, and show concern for whatever she would like when I am below attending to whatever. I think we make quite a good team. But now she has a better understanding of everything on the boat and control of, it just makes for good teamwork which should be what it’s all about, therefore resulting in an enjoyable time for all.
She also helped me with the mooring and applying the antifouling, which resulted in many comments from club members…..but I just don’t see the issue here.

But I do like one of the comments from a certain wife:
“It will not help me to understand or move faster the louder you shout”

 

[Phoenix of Hamble]

seemples...

We decide together where to go
We decide together whether to go
We decide together which way to go

Anything other than that is detail

Its a partnership of equals, and it works that way...

I can't be getting it too wrong, as SWMBO, besides suggesting we leave the decorating at home another year in order to buy a few extra bits for the boat, has just bought a new set of sails and a rib for the boat herself...

 

[FullCircle]

.....has just bought a new set of sails and a rib for the boat herself...

Are you going to call it Eve then?

 

[Daedelus]

How SWMBO learned to love sailing

First trip was on a flotilla cruise, weather was kind ans she loved it

Next flotilla cruise we shared a boat with others (not a good idea) and the weather was strong & she hated it.

3rd cruise. Ditto. Only this time swore blind never set foot on a yacht again.

I joined a local sailing club who chartered a big ketch: a few days before I was due to join for a long w/e she asked what we were doing. I told her cross channel Thursday night, arrive Friday, supper in a French restaurant, explore town on Saturday, sail back Saturday night.

"Dinner? French restaurant? Is there a spare berth for me?" There was. She got elected to book the restaurant as she spoke French, a kindly instructor helped her in sailing the boat and she never looked back.

She was the one who insisted on a smart expensive boat. It had to be love.

 

[rickym]

Having a fully marinised SWIMBO she needs no encouragement to get on the boat. Even does the antifoul, although somehow managed to look like a smurf afterwards!

 

[gregmlucas]

At here own pace is the answer

My wife's first ever sailing experience was a week on flotilla in the Ionian. I chose one of the more modern boats in the fleet with wheel steering, hot water and a shower as opposed to an onlder Jag 27 with a tiller. I also took a piece of advice I was given regarding helping her learn to steer as early in the trip as possible (which we did first day). This way, if anything more complicated needed doing or an issue needed sorting, I as the nominal expert, had a helm I could rely on while I did what needed to be done. I know that I don't have to be at the helm to be the skipper and she felt like she had some control/was making a contribution. Unlike some copuples we saw on that holiday, not a cross word the whole week and my wife came back saying it was the most relaxing holiday she's ever had.

The following year, we did a couple of weekend charters in the Solent which did not go quite so well (although she hasn't given up quite yet) - mainly due to my relative inexperience.

We bought our first boat in October last year. She wanted forward cabin, separate heads, shower, aft cabin etc - a floating caravan. I wanted a good sailing boat, under 30ft. We looked at a number of boats. We viewed a 30ft Jeanneau which she liked the pictures and the fact that it had all the required cabins so ticked most of SWMBO's boxes but after viewing she realised that putting all those cabins in a 30 footer doesn't really work - too small she said. This was fine with me as it would not have been my first choice of boat anyway. We also viewed a Sadler 29, further up my list but she didn't like the idea of walking through the heads to get to the forward cabin. This ruled out a lot of very good sailing boats in our budget. My wife hadn't liked the look of the photos of the boat we eventually bought (Etap 28i) but whilst we were looking at others in Deacons, I suggested taking a look at one anyway. As soon as she got on she liked it, the coachroof design and open plan layout made it feel bigger, it had shore power and she liked the name. Done deal! This really was a win-win situation she got some of her wish list items and I got some (actually most) of mine and within budget and size. Her biggest concerns/fears were/are tiller steering and heeling.

She has had a couple of days out with an instructor on our boat and came out with me for the first time on Saturday. The plan was a nice easy sail from Portsmouth down to Swanick on Saturday, followed by a nice short sail back on Sunday. We sailed with one reef in all the way down to keep things on a more even keel. Sadly, the engine wouldn't start in Southampton water so she ended up helming (and working the main sheet in the gusts) on her own whilst I tried to sort the problem, work out a contingency plan and eventually, call out SeaStart. For a nervous novice she did brilliantly, remained calm and now thinks that actaully it was probably the best thing that could have happened. I am so proud of her.

So I think it will still take time before she gets truly comfortable sailing and she may always be a fair weather/light airs sailor but that still means we can share this wonderful pasttime and she loves it if another boater complements "our" boat. She even acknowledges that our boat sails better/feels safer than some of the AWB caravans we've chartered and so "gets" what I was driving at whilst we were looking at different boats. This may also be down to my improved experience and increased confidence handling the boat

Involving my wife in choosing the boat and taking things at a pace she is comfortable with is definitely working.

 

[Alfie168]

I've been watching that excellent Sail Training Video, "Pirates of the Carribean" and their prefered method of getting a woman on board is to either dress her up as a man, or gag her and put her in a sack then row her out in a small boat.

Is it worth a try do you think?

Tim

 

[arfa]

Pick sunny days, make it fun and easy and the rest will follow. A sunny day and a sun tan can convince even the most reluctant that sailing is not all hard hands and hardship !

 

[Sundowner Portofino]

Gin

 

[Babylon]

Everyone's different

I love boats and love sailing. I don't scare easily, I don't get seasick, I like cooking in the galley...

I don't like some of the men on this forum who have a real attitude problem.

I'm reminded of what my four-year old nephew said when questioned by my old man: "Everyone's different, Granpa!"

My own wife is very definitely a fair-weather inshore only sailor, and remains so after three years of sailing. Returning from Bembridge to Southampton a few weeks ago in what was forecast to be a gusty F5 but turned out to be no more than a drizzly middling F4, she went to some pains to explain to me beforehand that her anxiety (re heeling, beating to windward in anything breezy, swell, etc) isn't rational. So I put two reefs in the main and left them there to keep her happy - even though we actually needed more sail area to power through the short chop that kept slowing us. A fortnight later I sailed to France and back with a mate, as arranged.

Everyone's different.

 

[30boat]

I reef early and too much.We go to the boat just to stay in the mooring and relax with a book.When we do go out we choose easy destinations and good weather.SWMBO once sailed from Manila to Hong kong with me without even thinking but went soft over time.

 

[Slow_boat]

She always liked camping and the like. I can't keep her off the boat!

She sulked all weekend because I refused to sail with her while she has so much pain from broken ribs!

To be fair, she and darling daughter refused to spend a fortnight on a Vivacity. Her solution was 'Well, you'd better get a bigger boat' Her list included decent sized heads, standing headroom, big double bed, decent galley. I payed attention to her list. Oh, and a cheap portable shower so she can wash her hair on board.

She likes to go ashore and see things rather than spend all her time on the boat, which is a good idea anyway.

Though she has said that the best thing is time to ourselves; not to have a teenage daughter complain about the noises coming from our bedroom the following morning! (telling her she shouldn't be listening doesn't work)

My first wife would never set foot on a boat. That's partly why she's an ex-wife.

 

[dvideohd]

The boat was HER idea....

Although paying cash for and old boat and fixing it up was mine....

May you all be so blessed....

--jr

 

[Slow_boat]

Oh, and it's 'our boat' not 'my boat'.

She has a half share and a say in everything, including where we go, checking my passage planning, how often we anchor and how often marina (a 4-1 mix works well) and how often we sail (Two weekends in three. The other weekend is for her elderly parents.)

And I always reef when she says, whether I think we need to or not. It hardly costs any speed and leads to a quiet life.