Here's a handy tip

Not boaty but don't buy a large sofa before checking that it will actually fit through the front door. Then don't rip the bottom out of the sofa to find that it cannot be dismantled after all. Then don't take the nice new double glazed window out in order to get the sofa in (by 2mm) until you are absolutely sure you can get the window back in without the help of half a dozen other, amused, people.
 
A handy tip for female harbour masters.
When sailing with a friend and radioing for a berth in the marina my friend would often do the same when he heard a female reply. He gave the details but when they asked the length of the boat he would just say 8 inches and end transmission. On every occasion you would hear the female answer back with “sorry, I’m only getting 8 inches”. He always had a choice reply for that.
 
Many moons ago I was on a pontoon bashing course in the Hamble.
Our first instruction was on the rate and set of the tide and how it could be easily seen by dropping a small piece of paper over the side and watching it. The instructor did this and said we could see there was little flow so it would be easy to get out. He then explained at length various procedures for leaving and patiently spoke to us all telling each one what to do. We then reversed out and was swept to the other side of the marina on the tide that had changed in the hour since dropping the paper in.
Our next lesson was fendering off.
 
Who hsn't done this at one time?
Make sure the boat is only just moving before throwing a bucket over the side to collect water!
The result of any speed will mean, no bucket, chafed hands or running quickly along the side decks, that is of course if you are not doing man overboard.
 
When you've taken off the tiller don't remount at 90 degrees to the original position.
Especially when in the morning the frenchman on the inside of the raft has shouted "We're off" and cast everyone adrift.
 
When asked to fill in on The Fastnet race at the last minute because "some of the crew have dropped out" do check the weather forecast to see if there might have been a reason for them dropping out before agreeing.

(this wasn't me...)
 
Mariner69 said:
When rowing out to yacht on a swinging mooring, kindly ensure that the keys to the boat are in your pocket and not loafing in the car.
Click to expand...

Done it of course, now I use a combination lock, but have to make sure I have my mobile with me - one of the 'numbers' is my combination
 
When in very hot and humid weather and the weather cools...and you hear a low persistent crackling noise throughout the boat...don't panic...the hull is not delaminating..its only the moisture in the woodwork coming out..:eek:

If your galley tap suddenly reduces to a dribble...don't panic and proceed to take the pump apart...the end of the galley tap has a small screw on wire mesh filter that has become clogged..:D

If you return to the boat and the floorboards are almost floating about...don't panic..she may not be sinking...you may have a leak in the fresh water tanks or pipes...:D

If your engine does not start...make sure your stop is not pulled out..:D

When you have new crew...make a point of telling them you cannot throw the remainder of soft drinks or tea into the wind, but with it...:D
 
Very Important ~ Don't overlook.

Icarus39 said:
When you are entering a busy sea lock with a large fishing boat ... wife on bow looking aft asking which side we go ... always try to remain calm when she shouts .... 'of course I know, but is that your starboard looking forward or mine looking aft'
Click to expand...

I have just returned from taking SWMBO out for an after dinner coffee to an open air cafe on the beach facing west across the bay which is literally five minutes away from our home here...

I began to recount to her how funny this thread is and what priceless posts are to be found here.

During the course of this discussion, I mentioned yours, which I quote above, and I highlight in red.

Shock ! Horror !:eek:

SWMBO immediately agreed with your wife.
She was adamant your wife is right and all of us men are wrong.
I tried to explain but she got very defensive and agitated because I challenged a female viewpoint..:D

It took me twenty minutes of calm, dogged effort to get her to see reason, meaning, for her to engage logic..that the port and starboard sides do not move about...but instead it is the person that does the moving.

I am shocked to report that from a femenine perspective an axiom (which is a fundamental truth) requiring the application of cold reasoning does not appear to instinctively harmonise well with the thought processes of the opposite sex.

I promise you it was quite difficult to get her to accept that P and S remain where they are and don't swap around.

Is it a spacial / perspective problem ?
Is this why the ladies are accused of being bad at reversing and parking cars ?
I would like to be a fly on the bulkhead of a yacht exclusively skippered and crewed by the fair sex..:D
 
When standing idly on a pontoon and offering to take a line from a boat as it approaches, make sure that as you pull hard on their said rope that they have attached their end to something on board. If they haven't make sure you are wearing swimming trunks.
 
When tripping a spinnaker, always make sure your face is not in the line of recoil of the pole. Particularly important when standing on the top rail of the pulpit, at night, and not clipped on. My only excuse is that we had to get rid of it FAST (and I was young and foolish).
 
If you have been detailed to grease all the metal sheaves on the 150' foremast of a square-rigger, and you have decided to start from the top and work downwards to get the hard parts done while your arm muscles are fresh, and you have clambered down to the bottom deck of the focsle and scooped grease out of a bucket into a grease gun, and the spring has let go and launched the grease all over the deck, and you have cleared it up and refilled the gun, and made a lanyard to attach the greasegun to yourself, and you have climbed back out of the focsle and into the workshop to find rags, and festooned yourself with cotton waste to wipe up excess grease so you don't slip while climbing, and climbed up the windward ratlines, then clipped on and ascended the Jacob's Ladder to the (ironically-named) top, then unclipped and climbed the next section of ratlines to the crosstrees, clipped on once more and heaved yourself round the outside of the overhanging metalwork, stopping halfway to untangle the grease gun from the buntlines flying past, then unclipped to ascend yet another section of ratline, found the fore-royal halyard block way out behind the mast, and you have clipped yourself on again and somehow dangled yourself monkey-like between the ratlines and a backstay to get one shaking hand within reach of the block...

























... make sure you haven't picked up a greasegun whose end doesn't match the sheave nipples!
 
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