Emergency bagpipe lessons

T

tcm

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I urgently need to learn to play the bagpipes, to improve my celtic credentials from the current level of zero, and perform serenades on board a famous sailing vessel north of the border.

I have already followed up one or two potential bagpipe teachers (bagplumbers?) but they are obviously hoaxers and merely cause a ghastly racket. I'm looking for someone who can make bagpipes sound as they ought to - surely like flutes played in unision, or melodious pan pipes.

Any help appreciated.
 
You may have been duped. From my experience of living in Scotland, bagpipes never have been intended to sound like flutes in unison. In reality, if you can recreate the sound of a bag full of cats being stamped on, you've got it cracked. The bit where you blow the bag full of air should sound like several bags full of really pissed off cats being stamped on
 
It used tae be the done thing, among the weekend climbin' club folk, camping at nice places like the head o' Loch Etive or doon Glen Brittle oan ra Isle o' Skye, for the piper tae go away doon ontae the auld pier or oot oan tae ra point, an' let the music cam back o'er the watter tae the listeners. Nae kiddin', that's magic, that is! Bad piping sounds guid; guid piping sounds amazin' - an' if folk really wahnt tae cut yer tongue oot fur yer efforts, ye've got half-a-mile's heid start oan them!

Ah think, if ye wahnt tae avoid the fate o' the Castrati, ye'll need tae exercise a wee bit o' subterfuge an' some modern hi-tech jiggery-pokery.

Get yersel' wan o' they wee iPod thingies, an' load oan tae it some o' they MP3s frae a website like this wan....

free samples for chanter and massed pipes 'n drums

Me, ah like yon 'Dark Island', masel'..... but dinna play yon free 'Banjo Breakdoon', 'cos even they yins wid smell a rat! There's mair than wan o' them playin'.....

Fit intae yer airbag some o' they wee speakers - naw, ye'll need bigger wans; they'll still get hid inside yer bag, but - an' switch it oan when none o' yer mates is watchin'...

Jist remember no tae hae a fit o' the giggles when ye see their faces, 'cos ye cannae blaw an' laff at the same time......

Hae a guid time, an' let us know how ye get oan. An' aff.

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I still think he'd be better off with a bag full of cats, and just stomp on them when required. The sound will be the same, and not require any practise
 
Hey, yoo! Brendan! Have ye nae cooth? Oor man TCM's a lad o' culture an' refinement. Nane o' they Edinburgh tourist-tinkers' Black Watch 'pipie' scams for oor TCM! Nae way! He wahnts ra real McCoy, he does.... or Jock McGraw, at least, even!!

Tae the refined an' educatit ear, ye cannae use jist ony auld moggies oot ra back close, and get awa' wi' it. Ye need tae use real choochter pussies, whit knows the tunes an' a'. Nane o' yon caterwaulin' oot o' turn, ye ken, or comin' in wi' they fancy descants 'n stuff.

An' ye'll no need tae dae ony o' yon kickin' the puir wee things wi' yer fit. Jist leave their tails hangin' oot the bag, an' take them in yer haunds like the chanter 'n drones. Then gie them a squeeze and a wee sharp tug tae get the real hielan' wall-tae-wall ceilidh sound.

An' gie me the real McCrimmon McMoggies every time, but. Them's whit's had thir nuts pulled oot..... Ye jist cannae beat them fir yon high notes.

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You are under a gross misconception here. nobody learns to play the pipes.

.....and that's the problem. Awful bl**dy things.

Should be consigned to the skip IMHO closely followed by the banjo the accordian and the .

Donald
 
Tuck the bag under your arm and blow through the mouthpeice to inflate the bag.
Smirk at the audience as they desperately try and escape through the door you locked earlier.
Squeeze the bag so that the drones start to wail.
Stop: insert earplugs, remove the neighbour's randy cat from the instrument before it does any damage.
Re-inflate the bag and start up the drones again.
If the audience shows signs of desperation, remember that the drones are detachable and can be screwed together to make a fighting stick as used in the ancient Scottish martial art of Seeyu-jimi. Subdue the audience then start squeezing the bag, blowing it back up at the same time and trying to remember how to play the recorder, 'cos that's how you make the holey stick on the bottom work.

When finished, go to the bar and order a large malt and ginger ale, just to complete your celtic image.
On second thoughts, wouldn't it be less painful, befitting your station and more Laird-like, to employ a piper to entertain you and your crewmates?
 
Feelin' lucky, punk?
bb3.jpg


(pibroch and pic, Barnaby Brown)
 
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