Barfmaster

[ChrisE]

We, at Buttmaster HQ, are keen to diversify the Buttmaster brand into new areas. Our backroom boys have just come up with another beezer wheeze 'Barfmaster'.

As with the dull RYA and exciting Buttmaster routes this will be a graded qualification and is planned to have the following grades:

1. Competant barfer
2. Barfstarter
3. Nightbarfer
4. Barfmaster
5. Contrarian barfmaster.

Naturally, we would be offering fast track Barfmaster and Contrarian Barfmaster syllabuses.

The following are the degrees of competency expected from each grade:

Competant barfer - able to hold forth on any subject started by somebody else
Barfstarter - able to start a barf
Nightbarfer - as above but can start barf between 2300 and 0500
Barfmaster - all of the above and can express surprise about things that any normally sane person would just pass by
Contrarian barfmaster - as above but takes the opposite view to any other barfer

Qualifications ae gained by barfing about any one of the following subjects, although for barfmaster and contrarian barfamster we would expect to see a range of comptency across the board:

1. Tony Blair* is a liar
2. Iraq war is a cover up for an oil grab
3. Hunting, shooting and fishing bans
4. Mirabella 5
5. Red diesel and light due taxes
6. The country has gone to the dogs
7. My AWB is better than your AWB
8. France** is wonderful, England*** is crap
9. Personal freedom no longer exists/reduced

* GWB is an acceptable substitute
**Acceptable substitutes include Australia, New Zealand, East Coast, Scotland, etc
*** Acceptable substitutes inlcude The Solent, West Country, etc

We believe that there is a demand for this qualification and would be interested in your views.

Buttmaster HQ

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[Magic_Sailor]

Wouldn't the qualification process mean that any Buttmaster automatically received an honarary barfmaster?

Magic

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://practical-business.co.uk>Click for website!</A>

 

[ChrisE]

We have instigated this new qualification because, firstly, we felt that Barfing warranted a qualification of its own and secondly that, quite frankly, some of the scatalogical references brought the previous qualification into disrepute.

Whilst Buttmaster provides a degree of competency it is at a slightly lower, somewhat backward facing level, if see what I mean.

Hope this helps

BM HQ

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[ParaHandy]

i note that your fine list of qualifications omits the skill, oft practised in weymouth, of bubble blower. training for such a skill should not be beyond the abilities of barfmasters generally. i feel sure that your mission statement (i guess you forgot to mention this and buttmaster hq will have it to hand) will include a comitment to training?

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[ChrisE]

Para,
Thanks for the reminder and, of course, we'd expect any qualified Barfmaster to be an expert in exhaling as much hot air as possible, bubbles and froth both being acceptable. I forgot to say that like all quality organisations Buttmaster is committed to training. In fact, I spend the best part of four hours on a train every weekday.
Buttmaster HQ

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[ParaHandy]

re training ... was it one of (sir) richard barfson's and has it arrived at a station yet .. ?!!

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[jimi]

I have a concern ..

that you are a rearranged

Mr Bra Feast

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[ChrisE]

Re: I have a concern ..

Look here, rudderfeatures, you're just the type of person who brought the term Buttmaster into disrepute and we'll pursue any knocking copy through due process, subject to the usual brown envelop exception route.
Buttmaster HQ

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[Talbot]

I was under the impresion that the term barf was a modern useage for 5 finger spread sometimes occuring after a good meal at sea if waves are a tad lumpy.

Alternative is that item used by essex boys at least once a year as an alternative to their monthly shower

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[dralex]

That's what I thought, ie Barf = Vomit. I've never heard it used as a term for fine discussion and debate. I thought the qualification system was going to involve copious amounts of alcohol. The Barfmaster title would be awarded after you'd had enough practice drinking that you could sink 12 pints of very strong toxic beer with whisky chasers without Barfing afterwards...

This is similar to a nasty practice at university where you had to drink a yard of spirits and "stuff" and then try not to use the dustbin that was always thoughtfully palced next to you. I always managed to get out of that one.

<hr width=100% size=1>Life's too short- do it now./forums/images/icons/wink.gif

 

[StugeronSteve]

Re: \"Barf\"

To forcefully eject indigestible matter, often accompanied by an outpouring of bile.
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<hr width=100% size=1>Think I'll draw some little rabbits on my head, from a distance they might be mistaken for hairs.

 

[janeK]

'The Barfmaster title would be awarded after you'd had enough practice drinking that you could sink 12 pints of very strong toxic beer with whisky chasers without Barfing afterwards...'

I think that Tome should be considered for this illustrious title after the Cherbourg jolly!!!!!!!!!!!!


<hr width=100% size=1>If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

 

[tome]

Actually, we passed Barfer's Ledge on the way out without incident this time and it wasn't until some hours later that the previous victim (after whom it was named) succumbed.

Nonetheless, I would consider it a great honour to hold Barfmaster Certificate number 1 though I have precious little recollection of the qualifying passage.

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[ChrisE]

Re: \"Barf\"

You're getting the hang of it.
BM HQ

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[jimi]

Get in the queue, I've a mate who's barfed from the Needles to Chebourg,Studland to Dartmouth to mention but 2.. reckon Parhandy and Fatipa can vouch for ComatoseJohn's credentials (not JohnM he's a mere barfing amateur)!

<hr width=100% size=1><P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by jimi on 06/10/2004 18:22 (server time).</FONT></P>

 

[ChrisE]

Re: \"Barf\"

We, at BM HQ, forgot the overriding qualification for the Barfmaster which is, of course, pedantry. But we're sure you all knew that anyway.

Tome could be an honorary BM but we note that the majority of his posts are far too sensible to be considered for anything above Barfstarter. Our current assessment is that most of the posters in the M5 thread are way beyond any qualification we could dream up.

BM HQ

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[tome]

I wasn't claiming the title on my own behalf, far to mean to go chucking up what I've paid good money for.

Needles to Cherbourg - that's almost an Ocean Barfmaster!

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[tome]

Re: \"Barf\"

Ok, I'll settle for Barfarter for now though I would respectfully remind you that my alter ego posts some pretty outrageous trash at weekends.

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[jimi]

Re: \"Barf\"

Ain't Barfleur you're alter ego?

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[tome]

Re: \"Barf\"

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