An SOS for HELP with Custody Battle! (UGH!)

[bonmot]

Hi all,

I found this forum while searching for anecdotes about kids living on boats to help me make a case for retaining a 50-50 custody arrangement with my son.

Briefly, after 2 years separated/divorced, and having a court-sanctioned custody arrangement that is 50-50, my ex-wife is using my recent move to a live aboard lifestyle as "justification" of nearly eliminating my time with our 13 year old son. The boat is a 34 foot Silverton Convertable (300 sq ft). My son has the forward v-berth to himself. I am in the process of altering the layout of the boat to better suit it for living aboard. I've gutted and completely replaced the head. I am moving the galley to where the dinette was. I've removed the lower pilot station. Between the galley shift and the ex- lower station, there will be considerably more "hanging out" room in the saloon.

I don't take the boat out, it's only a residence. We're tied up at a very nice, small marina in Salem, Mass. with many historical and cultural ammenities readily at hand. The Friendship of Salem, a square-rigged replica of a China trade ship, is docked directly in front of us a couple hundred feet away. I've had to submit a "wintering" plan (I did ten pages!) to demonstrate my ability to keep my son safe and warm. There are somewhere on the order of ten other full-timers at this marina in the winter (half go out to the moorings for summer). I chose a power boat over a sail boat, and this pricey marina over many far more affordable ones to provide my son with the most optimal conditions I could manage within the context of living on a boat. He will go to his regular school. The only difference between this year and last is living on a boat instead of a not-so-fantastic apartment.

Can I please implore this forum to help me with their first-hand experiences? I'd be especially grateful to hear from kids (currently or now grown up) who have experienced this lifestyle and could share some insights. Also, anyone who has experienced life aboard in wintery climes. And if anyone would be willing to share their stories in the form of a "sworn affidavit" please let me know. But I'd be grateful for any postings or useful insights to help me retain the rich relationship I have with my son and to give him the opportunity to try out this unconventional way of life. I should add that my expressed attitude is to give him this opportunity but that I'll always maintain flexibility based on his needs and desires. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to continue. So far, he seems to like it well enough, though it is a difficult transition for him. His mom running to court to force him out hasn't helped either.

Thank You!

 

[AndrewB]

I had a similar experience with my daughter at the same age. We'd been divorced for 6 years and I could no longer afford my old home. We had joint custody and my ex tried the same trick as yours. When we got into the legal process, basically the English court's view was that at 12 my daughter was old enough decide for herself - there was no issue about how 'suitable' a boat was. Unfortunately, though my daughter hadn't admitted it to me, she said she didn't much like staying on the boat, away from her friends, so I was forced to accept an arrangement which meant I saw her less. Eventually I moved on, met someone new, and went long-term cruising.

As I discovered from other men in a similar position, there is a real danger of losing touch with one's children when this happens. Thankfully (in no little part due to the internet) 15 years later I still have a good relationship with my daughter, now married.

My advice, FWIW, is that you have had 13 of the best years of childhood with your son. Over the next five or so years he'd be breaking those childhood bonds anyway. Your aim should be not in any way to risk your long-term relationship with him in the interests of the present. At all costs do not make him feel like a pawn in your troubles with your ex. If, in the interests of harmony, you see less of him, you have to make sure he can and will keep in touch, without feeling he is being disloyal to his mother.

 

[Poignard]

Your close relationship with your son is to be envied but a lad of that age needs to be in the company of other teenagers.

You have to think what's best for him

 

[Reverend Ludd]

I had a similar experience with my daughter at the same age. We'd been divorced for 6 years and I could no longer afford my old home. We had joint custody and my ex tried the same trick as yours. When we got into the legal process, basically the English court's view was that at 12 my daughter was old enough decide for herself - there was no issue about how 'suitable' a boat was. Unfortunately, though my daughter hadn't admitted it to me, she said she didn't much like staying on the boat, away from her friends, so I was forced to accept an arrangement which meant I saw her less. Eventually I moved on, met someone new, and went long-term cruising.

As I discovered from other men in a similar position, there is a real danger of losing touch with one's children when this happens. Thankfully (in no little part due to the internet) 15 years later I still have a good relationship with my daughter, now married.

My advice, FWIW, is that you have had 13 of the best years of childhood with your son. Over the next five or so years he'd be breaking those childhood bonds anyway. Your aim should be not in any way to risk your long-term relationship with him in the interests of the present. At all costs do not make him feel like a pawn in your troubles with your ex. If, in the interests of harmony, you see less of him, you have to make sure he can and will keep in touch, without feeling he is being disloyal to his mother.

Great post

 

[bonmot]

Your close relationship with your son is to be envied but a lad of that age needs to be in the company of other teenagers.

You have to think what's best for him

Ironically, he is more isolated at the house which is located on a busy road with no kids his age anywhere near him. It was just another battle I lost to his mom's stubborness. She refused to let us move to a neighborhood when he was younger. So either on the boat or at the house, he will have the same challenges in hooking up. This will be easier as he gets older and more self-sufficient.

 

[bonmot]

I had a similar experience with my daughter at the same age. We'd been divorced for 6 years and I could no longer afford my old home. We had joint custody and my ex tried the same trick as yours. When we got into the legal process, basically the English court's view was that at 12 my daughter was old enough decide for herself - there was no issue about how 'suitable' a boat was. Unfortunately, though my daughter hadn't admitted it to me, she said she didn't much like staying on the boat, away from her friends, so I was forced to accept an arrangement which meant I saw her less. Eventually I moved on, met someone new, and went long-term cruising.

As I discovered from other men in a similar position, there is a real danger of losing touch with one's children when this happens. Thankfully (in no little part due to the internet) 15 years later I still have a good relationship with my daughter, now married.

My advice, FWIW, is that you have had 13 of the best years of childhood with your son. Over the next five or so years he'd be breaking those childhood bonds anyway. Your aim should be not in any way to risk your long-term relationship with him in the interests of the present. At all costs do not make him feel like a pawn in your troubles with your ex. If, in the interests of harmony, you see less of him, you have to make sure he can and will keep in touch, without feeling he is being disloyal to his mother.

You make some excellent points. It's a bitter pill, but well stated. My son does tend to "play it close to the vest" so it's not always easy to fathom exactly what his preferences are, in spite of all my efforts to keep communication open and honest. I have, of course, explicitly given him "permission" to opt out of the boat life if he doesn't care for it. I'm just concerned that he be able to give it a fair chance without the influence of his far more controlling mother. She tends to dictate to him what he should like and what he should do. I've always taken the approach of helping him define and evaluate his options and then leave the decisions to him. I will not subject him to this sort of game-playing even if it means losing the battle. I just have to have faith that in time he'll learn to recognize the differences between his mom's approach and my own and hope he comes to appreciate it.

Thanks for the input.

 

[Arigatou]

Hi, no custody battle here but my two sons aged 11 and 14 love living aboard. We have only had our boat for three months. In that short time we have met loads of people (mostly grannies and grandads) whose grandchildren love visiting for a weekend. There is so much to learn for them and, according to our friends, all their children are jealous that they live in a house and my children dont. I think its a great opportunity for kids to experience different ways of living and who knows, when your son is older, maybe one day you will go sailing and by that time he will have gained knowledge about the boat and be more willing to explore. I dont anything wrong with your son visiting you at your new "home". The only thing that would marr the whole deal was if he didnt want to be on the boat. I see that is not the case. Good luck. I hope it works out for you.