Bejasus
New member
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna
plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes
and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns
around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant
and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he
hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila...not only are you a great lay,
but you're a real sport too." And drives off.
-------------------------------------------------
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about
their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the English
man. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real
coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so
obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a
coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with
my son Pancake."
-------------------
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't
even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning
my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."
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An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Bleedin Romford, mate."
--------------------------------------
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
Her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f***ing hundreds of them!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: Ok
Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up
Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!
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An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots a glass to pieces and says "In Sath Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun ans shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one's twice."
--------------------------------------------------------
A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"
Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."
MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"
Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6
months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
<<Much applause>>
MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"
Simon: "Tonight Matthew I will be....
?
?
?
?
?
Simon and half uncle.
"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."..........I think????
plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes
and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns
around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant
and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he
hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila...not only are you a great lay,
but you're a real sport too." And drives off.
-------------------------------------------------
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about
their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the English
man. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real
coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so
obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a
coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with
my son Pancake."
-------------------
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't
even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning
my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Bleedin Romford, mate."
--------------------------------------
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
Her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f***ing hundreds of them!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: Ok
Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up
Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!
----------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots a glass to pieces and says "In Sath Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun ans shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one's twice."
--------------------------------------------------------
A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"
Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."
MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"
Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6
months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
<<Much applause>>
MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"
Simon: "Tonight Matthew I will be....
?
?
?
?
?
Simon and half uncle.
"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."..........I think????