2nd Try, Anyone know any good jokes.

[powerskipper]

Weather not great for weekend and feel a good joke would bring smiles to some faces around here, Now I said good jokes but any that do not mean you want to cry with despair would do.
I can never remember jokes, well not ones I could put on here/forums/images/icons/wink.gif with out a lot of ********** !!
So can any one of those amoung us, help to cheer up all!!! /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/>http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/</A>
Julie

 

[Dave1258]

Boats better than women
Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:

Boats only need their fluids changed every year.
Boats curves never sag.
Boats last longer.
Boats don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Boat any time of the month.
Boats don't have parents.
Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Boat with your friends.
If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.
If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.
Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.
If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Boat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.
You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.
If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.
Boats always feel like going for a ride.
Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.
Boats don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.
If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.

Prob been seen B4 Dave.

<hr width=100% size=1> A man should have two things in life, a boat and a wife willing to let him have one.

 

[coliholic]

Some football ones that might make you smile

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7.
David Beckham
I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.
Mark Viduka

We lost because we didn't win.
Ronaldo

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.
Neville Southall

He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.
Ronnie Whelan

I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.
Ade Akinbiyi

I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
Stuart Pearce

Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.
David Beckham

I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.
Paul Gascoigne

I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.
Alan Shearer

I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.
Mark Draper

You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.
Peter Shilton

Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.
Ian Wright

I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.
Ugo Ehiogh

Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.
Jonathan Woodgate

I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.
Lee Hendrie

I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.
Ian Rush

Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.
Steve Lomas

I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.
Barry Venison

I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.
David Beckham

The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European.
Phil Neville

All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.
Mitchell Thomas

The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.
Graeme Le Saux

One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.
Alan Shearer

I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.
Johnny Giles

I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.
Les Ferdinand

It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.
Richard Rufus

There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.
Thierry Henry



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[l'escargot]

Contestant on Millionaire, £500,000 and one question away from the million. Three lifelines left.

Question is : Who was a Great Train Robber, Ronnie Barker, Ronnie Corbett, Ronnie Biggs or Ronald MacDonald?

Contestant: "No idea, had a lovely day, just write me out the cheque for £500,000 thanks Chris".

Chris: "You've got 3 lifelines left, use them, you can still pull out after that if your not sure".

Contestant: "No, no, I won't change my mind".

And he doesn't.

So to everyones amazement he takes the cheque and goes.

After the show Chris talks to him backstage and asks him why he wouldn't change his mind and he says:

"I've done a lot things in my life Chris but no one is ever going to be able to call me a grass....."

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[l'escargot]

A penguin walks into a pub and says to the landlord "You got any bread?"

Landlord says "Course not this is a pub, get out".

This happens for 27 consecutive days.

On the 28th day the landlord says "I'm sick of this, if you come in again I am going to nail your feet to the floor".

Next day the penguin comes in and says to the landlord "You got a hammer?".

The landlord says " Of course not, do you think this is a hardware shop now?".

Penguin says " No, I knew it wasn't - You got any bread?".



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[Dave1258]

Re: Happy Bank Holiday, politically correct!

To one and all,
Please accept*, with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

Yours truly, in political correctness, Dave



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


*By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. Warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Regards Dave



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<hr width=100% size=1> A man should have two things in life, a boat and a wife willing to let him have one.

 

[muchy_]

A really ugly woman walks up to a man in a pub and says " If you can guess my weight you can s**g me all night long " the man looks in disgust and says " about 93 stone by the looks of it you ugly moose" the woman says " close enough you lucky bast**d "



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[Solitaire]

Best I can do today!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decide to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties."By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

/forums/images/icons/wink.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Boating is <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.powerboattraininguk.co.uk>Serious Fun</A>

 

[Talon]

Two fish swim into a wall, one says to the other "Dam!"



<hr width=100% size=1>Alex

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.mad-als.com>http://www.mad-als.com</A>

 

[Dave1258]

How do you turn a duck into a Popstar?


Put it in the oven till it's Bill Withers!

<hr width=100% size=1> A man should have two things in life, a boat and a wife willing to let him have one.

 

[Mike21]

Watching British Open, when streaker ran onto 18th green and chased by police,
Peter Alliss commented that it was a lot of fuss over such a little thing.

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[PaulF]

Hi Julie,

Well I thought you did well with that bunch of jokes. No foul language, nothing offensive, to anybody. Having experienced such innofensive mirth things may change, just a bit. . . . . I do not want any female repercussions on this, so may post it, log off quick and duck any flak, for a few hours anyway.

1/. There was a Boeing 747 flying mid atlantic, the senior flight attendant rushed out the captains crew area and said,'Here is a special announcment, we have had a catastrophic failure of the aircrafts control system, there is nothing anybody can do, we are going to crash into the sea in four minutes'. She then runs back into the cockpit and shuts the door.

There is a fair bit of panic on board, (!!!!!) One of the passengers, a very attractive woman, thinks I love my husband but I did forgive him a couple of affairs, he also spent more time drunk than sober, so stuff it I want to feel like a woman once more before I die. She rips off her blouse, saying to the man next to her, make me feel like a woman again, so he takes off his shirt and says 'Iron that for me?'

2/ A few years back I was still sore after a divorce, lost house, half pension, all the crap, NEARLY lost boat, (Christ THAT WOULD have been serious) was wandering through the local woods with my dog when she came across an old can, she seemed a bit agitated but picked it up and brought it to me.

I took the can and gave it a wipe with my hand, PooooFFFF! A Genie appeared out of the can. 'Hello' he said, 'I am your magic Genie, and it is within my power to grant you one wish, it can be a very big wish for I have great power, but only one, so what would you like. I thought for a minute, Then said, 'I did really want to go to the West Indies but have always been terrified of flying, and couldn't spend the time to go by boat, would you build me a bridge from the Cornish coast to West Indies?' The genie starts ranting and raving about how much concrete it will take and all sorts of logistical problems.I said' Don't give me all that crap you offered me a wish!' He says it will take even him four weeks so isn't there something else I would like.

I thought again about the screw up I had made of my marriage, the said to the Genie, 'OK there is something else, forget the bridge, I have always loved women, I have known many, wonderful creatures they are, but I still dont understand them. Can you please tell me what makes women tick? How to make a woman happy forever?

The Genie says' Ok how many lanes do you want on this bridge?'

With no offence and many good wishes to any lady readers, xx

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[Say_Cheese]

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "its fart Rugby."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion - 7points each".
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, change sides."


"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife £1000 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself."


One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S & M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "This is what I found in your son's closet." He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said,
"Well I don't think you should spank him."


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"



A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then ..........." he sighs, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."



A mother and her son were flying Aer Lingus from Dublin to Heathrow. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't Big planes have baby planes?". The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."


A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
It read:
"Dear Wife:
You must realise that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old female teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up. -Your Wife"


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[Say_Cheese]

CIA Test

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!".
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the e same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.


A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."


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[Say_Cheese]

POLISH DIVORCE...

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little
home with 3 bedrooms."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he
responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and
have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player
with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the
music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the
drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read -- it says, 'Polish Remover'."


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[powerskipper]

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

The perfect toy for a woman

The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent

'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.


It is impossible to lick your elbow. ( We know you gonna try this !!! )

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/>http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/</A>
Julie<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by powerskipper on 29/05/2004 20:12 (server time).</FONT></P>

 

[Bejasus]

'The perfect toy for a woman'

The TV remote................../forums/images/icons/crazy.gif

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[powerskipper]

Oh forgot about that!!!!!/forums/images/icons/wink.gif

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/>http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/</A>
Julie

 

[Mike21]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.




E-mail mistake

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."



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[powerskipper]

Funny Bumberstickers

If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


If you can read this
I can hit my brakes and sue you.

If we are what we eat,
I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
...or something like that.

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/>http://powerskipper.mysite.freeserve.com/</A>
Julie<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by powerskipper on 30/05/2004 20:29 (server time).</FONT></P>