What now, skipper?

[jhr]

You are travelling to the East Coast for a weekend of motor-sailing (mostly the former) with a fellow crew member.

The journey has been delayed somewhat, due to roadworks on the M25, and your passenger is becoming increasingly querulous. His initial wish to "stretch his legs" (completely unneccessary in your view, as they are already exceedingly long) has now been joined by observations that he is looking forward to something to eat, somewhere to have a pee, and somewhere to have a smoke (he appears to be addicted to smoking small dog-turds, wrapped in post-office approved brown wrapping paper).

Your refusal to respond to these observations is followed by a lengthy and resentful silence. Finally, and with about twenty minutes of your journey still to go, he announces that in addition to his previously expressed wishes, he really needs to fart.

What now, skipper?

 

[flaming]

Wind down the windows and turn the stereo up.

 

[jimi]

He's bluffing, he just wants a smoke .. call his bluff.

 

[bitman]

got the wrong crew...

 

[Shannoner]

Finally, and with about twenty minutes of your journey still to go, he announces that in addition to his previously expressed wishes, he really needs to fart.

What now, skipper?

I have been in this situation many times. The first thing to ascertain is, is the fart due to an overindulgence in Guinness the night before?
If the answer is yes, you have a very dangerous situation on your hands. If your passenger "drops" in the confined space of a motor vehicle, you are in danger of asphyxiation.
You must stop the car immediately, tell your passenger to get out and get as far away from the vehicle as possible, when he is far enough away tell him to "let her rip". Leave a reasonable amount of time before you let him back into the vehicle, as Guinness farts have been known to linger about the person for quite some time after being "dropped".
Once you are back on the road, I would leave the front windows "cracked" an inch or two, in case of any residual gas left in the passengers alimentary canal, which may leak out due to speed bumps or potholes.

 

[Athene V30]

somewhere to have a smoke (he appears to be addicted to smoking small dog-turds, wrapped in post-office approved brown wrapping paper).
in addition to his previously expressed wishes, he really needs to fart.

What now, skipper?

These two at once in confined quarters - it could be explosive!

Years ago when I was put up for a posh Cruising Club (of which I no longer am a member) one of the questions on the proposal form was 'Would you want to spend time with this individual in a small yacht'. I think your 'friend' would be black balled!!

 

[BlueSkyNick]

You are travelling to the East Coast for a weekend of motor-sailing (mostly the former) with a fellow crew member.

The journey has been delayed somewhat, due to roadworks on the M25, and your passenger is becoming increasingly querulous. His initial wish to "stretch his legs" (completely unneccessary in your view, as they are already exceedingly long) has now been joined by observations that he is looking forward to something to eat, somewhere to have a pee, and somewhere to have a smoke (he appears to be addicted to smoking small dog-turds, wrapped in post-office approved brown wrapping paper).

Your refusal to respond to these observations is followed by a lengthy and resentful silence. Finally, and with about twenty minutes of your journey still to go, he announces that in addition to his previously expressed wishes, he really needs to fart.

What now, skipper?

I think you should been thinking about it from your passenger's perspective rather than your own.

Imagine how must have felt on arrival at your destination, trying to decide what order to do things - pee, fart, smoke, drink, eat ? smoke fart, drink, eat, pee, smoke again, fart again ...... there are many combinations..... poor chap must have appeared very confused!

 

[Twister_Ken]

Farts are, of course, potentially explosive. So is motor fuel. Offering your 'friend' a hosepipe (with a suitable shaped end connector) which leads to the air intake of your car's engine would have disposed of his unwanted sleeping-bag gas usefully, and reduced your carbon footprint. A win-win. I may patent this idea. But I need a product name.

 

[cozzykim]

got the wrong crew...

Absolutely; his legs are too long, he smokes, he needs to use a toilet, he needs to eat and drink regularly.

IOW he shouldn't really ever get on a sailing boat.

Unless, of course, he's the skipper and you are the crew - in which case stop the car NOW, light his stogie, give him your last rolo, let him pee in your flask - and smile

 

[Billjratt]

Ken's Assgass Supercharge.
Extra thrust when you need it most.

 

[lenseman]

I would stop engines, get the crew to 'jump ship' and NOT do any MOB routine, don't hoist Flag OSCAR, and leave him/her at the side of the road!

In fact "Answering pennant, Flag ALPHA" (RN signals) would be the hoist of choice on the starboard wing mirror:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"I am undergoing Speed Trials"

I would then go and enjoy my time doing either short handed sailing or motor cruising.

 

[Fantasie 19]

Open the windows - willing crew are hard to find...

 

[Giblets]

I have been in this situation many times. The first thing to ascertain is, is the fart due to an overindulgence in Guinness the night before?
If the answer is yes, you have a very dangerous situation on your hands. If your passenger "drops" in the confined space of a motor vehicle, you are in danger of asphyxiation.
You must stop the car immediately, tell your passenger to get out and get as far away from the vehicle as possible, when he is far enough away tell him to "let her rip". Leave a reasonable amount of time before you let him back into the vehicle, as Guinness farts have been known to linger about the person for quite some time after being "dropped".
Once you are back on the road, I would leave the front windows "cracked" an inch or two, in case of any residual gas left in the passengers alimentary canal, which may leak out due to speed bumps or potholes.

You swine, sir. That's the third keyboard that I have spat coffee all over this year.
(Note to Self: Must buy protective keyboard cover tommorrow.)

 

[bitman]

Absolutely; his legs are too long, he smokes, he needs to use a toilet, he needs to eat and drink regularly.

IOW he shouldn't really ever get on a sailing boat.

Unless, of course, he's the skipper and you are the crew - in which case stop the car NOW, light his stogie, give him your last rolo, let him pee in your flask - and smile

if 'he' is the skipper i don't even want to be on that boat!

 

[Shannoner]

You swine, sir. That's the third keyboard that I have spat coffee all over this year.
(Note to Self: Must buy protective keyboard cover tommorrow.)

Sir, If you have ever been on the receiving end of a Guinness fart, you would know that it is no laughing matter!