WHAT HAS HAPPEN TO THE JOKES

[powerskipper]

Mine eyes have not seen jokes displayed upon these pages much.

Tis time of year for moods of grey, we need this jovial input,
any joke be old or new to view upon these pages please.

Let’s lift the mood of who see the pages of jokes displayed on thee.

and yes My rhyming stinks so help me please


<hr width=100% size=1>Julie

 

[Forbsie]

Mick the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face..
Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off..
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face..
Shoite,Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he
says..

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes
a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to
his bedroom door and says "If I can just make it to me bed." He takes a step
into the room and falls flat on his face.. He says "Fock it" and falls into
bed..

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed.. "But how'd you know?"
"Mick called..... You left your wheelchair at the pub."


<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/forbsie?&page=1>My Project</A>

 

[Solitaire]

Re: For the lexiophiles!!

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14.. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.



<hr width=100% size=1>Boating is <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.powerboat-training.co.uk>Serious</A> Fun

 

[BrendanS]

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual
cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features.

And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in
petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and
a cricket stump jammed up his arse.

Further studies are expected.


Exiting stage right -------> whooooosh


<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[BarryH]

Was out the other night and pulled a woman, had a few drinks and then drove her home. She asked if I wanted to come up for a night cap. Ok so one thing led to another and before I knew it she'd unzipped my flies and was playing with me todger.
"You handle that so well, It feels great you really know what your doing" I said
She replied...........















"I should do I used to have one"


<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[ccscott49]

Now that is what i call a joke!!! ROFL I've wet myself!! With a couple of beers I'd be uncontrollable!

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[Dave_Snelson]

Re: For the lexiophiles!!

That was a good collection!

<hr width=100% size=1>Madoc Yacht Club
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.madocyachtclub.co.uk>http://www.madocyachtclub.co.uk</A>

 

[BrendanS]

Sent to me by a lady friend, a midwife, with a very robust sense of humour

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[montezuma]

"My tits are heading South, my bum's sagging and I've got wrinkles on my wrinkles. Darling please say something nice"

"Well, your eyesight's all right...."



<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[Solitaire]

Re: Do you know Jack Schitt?

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.


Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.


Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.



So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!




<hr width=100% size=1>Boating is <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.powerboat-training.co.uk>Serious</A> Fun

 

[BrendanS]

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace........

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished.... and before coming to work this morning I have finished off
a bottle of Jack Daniel's, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Bacardi, a small
box of chocolates, 2 litres of Stella Artois, a 1/2 can of super strength cider and some cheese............

You have no idea how good I feel....

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[theguvnor]

SWMBO was always complaining that her tits were too small. She tried all the creams & weights but to no avail. I told her that I had been told of a foolproof way to help
I told her to just rub a piece of toilet paper between them every night for a few months
She replied "That wont work stupid"
Well, I said it worked for your arse

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[BrendanS]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.

At 7, I got the 'The there's no Easter Bunny' speech.

When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[BrendanS]

Re: Ever had a problem with Bureaucrats?

This is a letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by
the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
Following the letter from the Dept. of Environmental Quality, is DeVries'
response.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on
the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the
legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have
been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the
dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush
forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site
may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division


** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088
Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream
of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think
they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to
attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that
they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451
of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the
beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so
the State will have
to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either
one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding,
is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required
to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them,
they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources
and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a
real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe
you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears
are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS


<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[BrendanS]

From a lady friend, who for some reason thought this was funny:


Explains everything?! <g> With apologies to the male species...
===========================================================

Marriage (Part I)

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I
want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be
home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I
want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those
are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . .
. whether you're home or not."

DAMN SHE'S GOOD!

*******************************************************
Marriage (Part II)

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?" she replies. "When
you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'"

HE ASKED FOR IT!

*******************************************************
Marriage (Part III)

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you're no good in bed either!"
and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings
her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed, this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

YUP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!

*******************************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'" His
wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, 'Father of Four.'"


RIGHT ON, LADY!

*******************************************************
"God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece."


<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[BrendanS]

Re: NEW SLANG DICTIONARY, 2003

Having problems understanding the kids?

NEW SLANG DICTIONARY, 2003

GOING FOR A McShit
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mcshit with
Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3
in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you
got there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pi$$ in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common
to visit one before going out on the booze.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in
a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars
that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of
training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the
outside, but there's actually bugger-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub
is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,
whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed
instead.

NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out
there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO AR$E
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got
four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

TART FUEL
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.

UP ON BLOCKS
that time of the month i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't
think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle
of tart fuel please Doreen



<hr width=100% size=1>