Total loss of confidence...

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zaragozo

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Here I am, a novice, starting my second season with a 33ft long keel motor sailer. Have logged 370 nm as skipper, with differing A N Other crew, (some with less experience than myself) have done night entrance into unfamiliar harbour, bumped a couple of boats, moored, anchored and berthed at several new harbours, been in fog with 100 meter visibility and rocks all around, avoided cavalier trawlers and lobster pots. Can tie a bowline, read a map, steer and reverse said boat out of marina and have DS, ICC etc.
But today with the missus for the first time as sole crew I completely lost confidence. Weather sunny, wind 12-15 knots, slack tide but I just couldn't take the boat out. Anyone know what is going on...
 
Fear of SWMBO (She Who Must Be Obeyed)? /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

I'm only saying that partly in jest. The consequence of losing face with your partner, or having a "Big Issue" so that she loses confidence in sailing could be a major problem. Harbours rot men & boats. The longer you stay moored, the harder it gets to go out.

Try lots of short trips to pleasant achorages where you can sit & enjoy the boat while very relaxed. Good luck.
 
Its obvious this sailing thingy is not for you, find another hobby such as fishing or golf.

I will assist in any way I can to help you find a more rewarding hobby and to start you on the road to this new way of spending your liesure time I will take your yacht off your hands for£50 cash! /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
 
Funny but I was really anxious about collecting our new boat until my wife suggested I sailed back single handed and she took the car then all my nerves disappeared!
 
[ QUOTE ]
Funny but I was really anxious about collecting our new boat until my wife suggested I sailed back single handed and she took the car then all my nerves disappeared!

[/ QUOTE ]Maybe your loss of confidence should be in your marriage, do you have a big life insurance policy by any chance?
 
Thanks for sharing this - I am sure others have had (or have) the same issues.

Agree with Searush. I think it may be a bit like trying to teach the spouse to drive.

Consider these: go out with spouse but not just two handed (i.e self, spouse and another); get spouse to take a short on-the-water course, without you; go out a couple of times without spouse (but with someone); build confidence with small early successes (don't aim too high for a while)

Good luck. Stick with it.
 
Start off on a flat calm day with just you and your wife, get the boat out, motor around and get back in safely. Your confidence will soon build.
 
The same happened to me once some years ago. A benign anchorage in Greece. Good weather but I couldn't get the nerve to raise the anchor. I was baffled. I was stuck there for almost a week. Eventually I was escorted out by following another boat. Once out I was OK. Very strange.

I chatted about this incident later to various folk. The best explanation I was given was that climbers also experience a "freeze" during a climb. They call it "Ledge Grip" and they have to be escorted off the mountain. The mind rebels against leaving a secure place for a possible dangerous place.
 
We have friends who spent 150k on their boat, had a problem with a funny mooring system at a local club and then couldnt summon up the courage to move from the mooring for 18 months. So you're not alone by any means. In fact I have a bit of the same problem usually triggered by the weather forecasts. No problem once I'm out there but getting going is a different matter.

But I've made a lot of progress by racing. Committed to a weekly race with 4 pals as crew who I cant let down, I have to go whatever the forecast. Rewsult - the weather is never ever as bad as they say its going to be and I find I can cope quite happily with whatever turns up.

The minds a funny thing. But dont worry and dont beat yourself up about it. The thickos are the ones who never worry.
 
My wife was a complete sailing novice, so I decided that the first time she went out with me we also took another experienced skipper/instructor. I acted just as crew.

The idea was that she would be under instruction from an instructor, not a husband (already seen what happened when father tried to teach mother to drive) She thoroughly enjoyed the sail as did I, what a relief not have to worry about skippering and instructing SWMBO at the same time.

First thing she said when we got back was when are we going out again (but without the instructor) the answer was next day.
She is still learning some of the correct terminology of the bits of string and the turny thing that you put the handle in. But she is brilliant up at the pointy end with the anchor.

The guy that went out with us was the same guy that I used when I first took my boat out. I had sailed as crew before with a couple of hundred nautical miles under my belt, and a few more on RN MFVs. But that was quite a few years before buying my own boat, and never as the skipper ( and never short handed before)

I recommend to Popingley to try the same. For the cost of an instructor for a day it was well worth it, and it made an enjoyable start to our sailing experiences.

We too have a 33 fter and normally sail short handed, just the two of us. When we have guests aboard they have to date mainly been non sailors (so tend to stay in the cockpit until we have anchored) whilst SWMBO skips around the deck pulling things and winding things in looking like she has done it all her life.

Never be too proud to ask for help or instruction. Not doing so might put you off what should be a relaxing and enjoyable experience.
 
You are not alone, but strangely: this is not something that is discussed much.

This is something that can especially strike at the start of new season, and the suggestion of getting a professional skipper on board (or another friendly & experienced sailor) for a day is a good one.
 
Lots of good suggestions already said.

You are inexperienced.

Take time to build up your experience either or both by sailing in very calm conditions, and taking an experienced sailor with you.

We all had those tricky days when we went alone for the first time.

You are not unusual, if you want to sail then stick to your guns, and learn slowly

Take the RYA courses with your local sailing school. They put you thru the paces, and you will quickly learn the basics. Day Skipper is a good course to start.

Good luck, we are with you....
 
I can totally simpathise with your worries. I got my new (to me) boat craned in on Saturday and SWMBO decided it would be a great idea to video the whole event including me berthing it in my new finger berth for the first time!!

Its a bit like sitting your driving test with someone recording all your mistakes.
 
Before every trip I get a bit of nerves, if I'm honest. Once you let go of the mooring, anything can happen.

Don't underestimate your wife, or let her think she's just along to make sandwiches. With very little input from me, my wife could steer like an autopilot, work the GPS, and give me a course to steer from the chart

It might be fun to hire a sailing dinghy on a lake for a couple of hours to show her the basics. Little boats are a lot less intimidating - whatever goes wrong, doesn't really matter. You can run aground, capsize, and go fishing with the spinnaker and it's all just part of the fun.
 
I'd like to congratulate you on your honesty and enthusiasm.

You seem to have achieved a lot as a novice, as in the fact that you've bought a sturdy nice sized motor sailor and already carried out a few adventurous trips.

I agree with most of the other comments, except that I feel that perhaps you should have a bit of one on one training to feel comfortable with the basics and ask (what you feel are )all the stupid questions you want to for a weekend or two..

I get the feeling that after that you'll be full of confidence and ready to become an accomplished sailor.. Remember, it's only fun.. (BTW, I learned together with my father in our first 20 ft sailing yacht from a book as we went along.. Not that I'd recomend that to anyone.. )
 
I've been sailing 40 years, and I get like that beginning of every season. You know the sort of thing: "Don't think I'll go just yet, - just need to get the sardines stowed a bit better... " or whatever. The most emotionally challenging trip of the season is almost invariably the 5 mile run from the winter mudberth round to the mooring - and it doesnt even involve a sea passage - its all sheltered water.

As someone else said, once you drop the last mooring rope you are on your own, and anything can happen. And until you get back in to the swing of it, it all a bit of a challenge which just sometimes the mind balks at.

I found at the beginning of a trip for years I would go about 4 miles and stop at a favourite anchorage - in fact I found myself planning things so that I HAD to stop to wait there for the tide. With a different mooring now, I can no longer justify stopping so soon - but I still want to!

Dont worry - nothings 'going on', nor are you 'in the wrong sport' as somebody unkindly suggested. What it DOES mean is that you have developed a healthy respect for the sea, so are less likely to end up as an RNLI statistic because you have a realistic picture of your own abilities or lack of them, and a healthy respect for what the sea can do.

Pick a nice day when there's little or no wind, set yourself a simple objective for the afternoon, and it will soon all come back.

Alternbatively, sign up as crew on a friends boat for a day or two just to get back into the feel of it.
 
Nerves are a strange thing. They play tricks on the mind and it can be anything from don't step out that door .. don't drive the car ... to the worst of all - DON'T SAIL THE BOAT !

I've been on boats all my life and there are often times I look out window and think ... No not today. This Saturday past - SWMBO asked for us to go on the boat - for some reason I didn't want to and said no ! She couldn't believe it.

So for anyone in UK and similar - I would always advise joining a Club. The companionship, social and on boat is such an advantage. You have access to experience and others that is pure gold.
I would suggest that as others have - get a third party on board, hopefully one who can handle the boat as well ... even better is that + another boat in company. The feeling of 'secure safe' is enough often to get you over that hurdle of climbing on board.

I would also say - it's the get back on the bike syndrome - if you don't cure it asap - it will become ingrained and harder to cure later.

The age old cure for nerves is now subject to legislation and breathing into a bag !! So we will not suggest that one ! /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
 
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Here I am, have logged 370 nm as skipper

[/ QUOTE ]

When you can add a couple of zeros to that mileage, per annum for a few years, and still get frighted, that's when you need to see a shrink. Until then think positively about sorting the problem.

Personally I would send SMBO on a Competent Crew/Day Kipper course on her own while you, with or without professional support, graduate to handling the boat singlehanded.

After that you work to blend respective skills together, acknowledging respective strengths and weaknesses.

The most impressive duo I've seen is alarge sloop arriving in port with Her on the helm and Him ready with fenders and warps. C'mon,it makes sense really, but I've never got there - might find myself cooking supper!

Best of luck!
 
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