Bejasus
New member
There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill.
Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go.
He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks.
Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time.
He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill.
The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"
Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an appointment."
Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're damn ugly"
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns & starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said,"No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realise she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong".
Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate'.
A blonde man and his blonde wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat.
At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place.
Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second.
The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms".
After espying a beautiful blond walking by a man says to God, "God, why did you make blonde's so beautiful?" God responded, "So you would love her." "But God", the man replied, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would love you."
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced
Ponder this:
If a man is walking in the forest, and there is no woman present to hear him speak, is he still wrong?
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their check book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable' ?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
Beer Joke
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.
5. When you beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache
12. You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can share a beer with your friends.
17. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
18. You always know you're the first to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/h00>http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/h00</A>
Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go.
He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks.
Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time.
He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill.
The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"
Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an appointment."
Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're damn ugly"
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns & starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said,"No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realise she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong".
Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate'.
A blonde man and his blonde wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat.
At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place.
Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second.
The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms".
After espying a beautiful blond walking by a man says to God, "God, why did you make blonde's so beautiful?" God responded, "So you would love her." "But God", the man replied, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would love you."
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced
Ponder this:
If a man is walking in the forest, and there is no woman present to hear him speak, is he still wrong?
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their check book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable' ?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
Beer Joke
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.
5. When you beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache
12. You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can share a beer with your friends.
17. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
18. You always know you're the first to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
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