TheBoatman
Well-Known Member
I have it on good authority that the Health & Safety Exec and Police are going to call for ban on Santa calling on UK kids tonight.
A spokesman (sorry spokesperson) from the HSE said “we’ve just discovered that Santa has not carried out a risk assessment and because no UK chimney’s had the correct/approved scaffolding up and hard hats are not provided they had no choice but to ban Christmas for the kids”. He also mentioned that ladders had to be approved for those houses without chimneys; so height-working restrictions would also apply.
When questioned further the spokesman (oopps sorry did it again – spokesperson) said that after great consideration and consultations with the “chair” of the local HSE they could not allow Santa to visit UK homes for fear of the accident risks and that they were tracking Santa via the NORAD web site to check that he did not enter UK air-space.
http://www.noradsanta.org/en/default.php
A Police spokesman (oh s**t did it again) spokesperson said that they were certainly interested in Santa this year as they felt sure with all those mince pies and Sherry’s inside him would probably fail a breath test. The spokesman (oh Bo****ks) spokesperson said that they viewed this very seriously and as such, they had called in more manpower. When questioned on where all this extra manpower had come from he admitted that they had let all the asylum seekers go free as a gesture of good will to all men with a promises, from them, that they will return in the New Year and used the warders as extra cover. The spokesman (oh Phuket – can’t get used to this PC stuff) said that they had the entire M25 and M4 corridor covered with speed cameras to catch Santa “in the act” and it would be more than their “jobsworth” to allow him to escape and anyway a possible speeding, drunk was far more important than trying to find all the little scroats that had helped themselves to our peoples Xmas gifts.
At this point a representative of Social Services stepped in and said they were more than interested in an old man, pi**ed up and speeding about the place and climbing down chimneys into young children’s bedrooms to leave gifts, His actual quote was
“ oh yes, we’ve heard that one before”. However, when it was pointed out that Santa was a binge drinker and probably smoked 20 a day Social Services lost interest as the risk to other social workers was considered to high!
The HSE spokesman (oh F*&^K it) spokesperson said that they were also in contact with the newly formed HM Customs and Revenue Dept [spit] who were showing a great deal of interest in anyone receiving “gifts” and was vat or income tax due on said items, Their speaker (cracked it at last) said “at this point we are not sure as to whether income tax or vat would be due on any gift items but we have applied to the Government to get all the necessary powers to break into anyone’s home at any time, day or night, and seize any documentation/goods relevant to our investigations and we view tax evasion as a serious matter and kids getting gifts would certainly come under our remit from Gordon Brown who we all know is out to screw everyone including kids”.
Sorry to be the bringer of bad tidings but hey we live in the modern (Labour) world
/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
A spokesman (sorry spokesperson) from the HSE said “we’ve just discovered that Santa has not carried out a risk assessment and because no UK chimney’s had the correct/approved scaffolding up and hard hats are not provided they had no choice but to ban Christmas for the kids”. He also mentioned that ladders had to be approved for those houses without chimneys; so height-working restrictions would also apply.
When questioned further the spokesman (oopps sorry did it again – spokesperson) said that after great consideration and consultations with the “chair” of the local HSE they could not allow Santa to visit UK homes for fear of the accident risks and that they were tracking Santa via the NORAD web site to check that he did not enter UK air-space.
http://www.noradsanta.org/en/default.php
A Police spokesman (oh s**t did it again) spokesperson said that they were certainly interested in Santa this year as they felt sure with all those mince pies and Sherry’s inside him would probably fail a breath test. The spokesman (oh Bo****ks) spokesperson said that they viewed this very seriously and as such, they had called in more manpower. When questioned on where all this extra manpower had come from he admitted that they had let all the asylum seekers go free as a gesture of good will to all men with a promises, from them, that they will return in the New Year and used the warders as extra cover. The spokesman (oh Phuket – can’t get used to this PC stuff) said that they had the entire M25 and M4 corridor covered with speed cameras to catch Santa “in the act” and it would be more than their “jobsworth” to allow him to escape and anyway a possible speeding, drunk was far more important than trying to find all the little scroats that had helped themselves to our peoples Xmas gifts.
At this point a representative of Social Services stepped in and said they were more than interested in an old man, pi**ed up and speeding about the place and climbing down chimneys into young children’s bedrooms to leave gifts, His actual quote was
“ oh yes, we’ve heard that one before”. However, when it was pointed out that Santa was a binge drinker and probably smoked 20 a day Social Services lost interest as the risk to other social workers was considered to high!
The HSE spokesman (oh F*&^K it) spokesperson said that they were also in contact with the newly formed HM Customs and Revenue Dept [spit] who were showing a great deal of interest in anyone receiving “gifts” and was vat or income tax due on said items, Their speaker (cracked it at last) said “at this point we are not sure as to whether income tax or vat would be due on any gift items but we have applied to the Government to get all the necessary powers to break into anyone’s home at any time, day or night, and seize any documentation/goods relevant to our investigations and we view tax evasion as a serious matter and kids getting gifts would certainly come under our remit from Gordon Brown who we all know is out to screw everyone including kids”.
Sorry to be the bringer of bad tidings but hey we live in the modern (Labour) world
/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
