Not boat related - Wednesday Funny

[BarryD]

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night out and thought 'How did I get home'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return Journey from the bar to your home.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decline of the Roman Empire and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This generates the answer to second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI's (unidentified drinking injuries). Independent studies also show that passengers wearing Beer Goggles sometimes cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

So now you know.

Barry D

 

[tcm]

Re: very useful info(nm)!

.

 

[DepSol]

If thats the case why do they get in a car if they have a beer scooter and then get done for DIC. Must be alot easier to drive without beer scooter, prob why drunk people are bad drivers and get noticed by police as they are trying to drive with beer scooter between their legs.

Dom

 

[mtb]

Re: Yes so useful it could drive you to drink

;

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/boats
I want a big steel ex trawler / tug v/cheep or swap for tug

 

[paulineb]

I wondered what I'd been sitting on the other Saturday night.

..... and before any other smart arse says it, it wasn't Mr B's face (or anyone else's !!)

Pxx

 

[tcm]

Re: disgraceful smut!

i'm sure that nobody had even thought such a thing!!

 

[tcm]

Re: another ...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says: "I'll give you £500 to drop that towel
that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £500 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom,
her husband asks from the shower:
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob, the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the £500 he owes
me?

 

[Col]

Re: another ...

I like that one- here's another.
ED ZACHARY DISEASE"
> >
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a
date in quite sometime. Afraid she might have something wrong
with her she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese
sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the examination
room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "okay, take off aw your
crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said Wang, "get
dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me to other side of
room."
Having done that Dr. Wang said, "okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery
fass back to me." Once again she obliged.
Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "okay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you
have Ed Zachary Disease.....worse case I ever see....that why you not
have dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
> > > > > >











Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

 

[paulineb]

fit of the giggles nm

;-)

Pxx

 

[BarryD]

Ho humm...

It's an old Joke Holmes (Col), but it just might work.

Well I like the Ed Zachery disease joke, close enough to the "Jean Pierre" joke to be worth playing...

Barry D

 

[coliholic]

Oh alright I'll post one too then, but it's your own fault for encouraging me.

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

 

[BarryD]

Oh yeah..

A chap burst into a bank brandishing a shotgun and wearing a balaclava - he pointed it to the teller and told her to open the vault.

"But... this is a sprem bank...", she spluttered.

Enraged he threatend to blow her f**king head off. So she opened the vault.

"Take out a vial, and drink it..." he screamed...

She did, (no jewels P.) all the time crying and looking at the shotgun in his arms.

"Take out another, and drink that..."

So she did, whereupon the bandit, ripped off his mask and she found herself looking at her husband.

"Now that wans't so difficult, was it?" were his last words...

Barry D

 

[jfm]

Vintage jokes, antique jokes

Do I detect kettle calling pot black Barry?! Axshully that one is so old I had forgotten it, so good for a laff the second (or third?) time around... ;-)

Here are 2 more oldies
********************
A huge Scouse bloke is drinking in a bar. He's 6ft 5 and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over towards the scouser he whispers, "Do you want blow-job?" At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat and kick him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returns to the bar. Amazed, the
barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure", the big Scouser replies, "something about a job"
*********************

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian
> > scientists found traces
> > of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to
> > the conclusion that
> > their ancestors already had a telephone network one
> > thousand years ago.
> >
> > So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed,
> > American scientists
> > dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:
> > "US scientists have
> > found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and
> > have concluded that
> > their ancestors already had advanced high-tech
> > digital telephone 1000 years
> > earlier than the Russians."
> >
> > One week later, the Irish press reported the
> > following: "After digging as
> > deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely
> > nothing." They have
> > concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
> > already using mobile
> > phones."
> >

 

[Col]

Re: Vintage jokes, antique jokes

And another.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden
> he said out loud
> 'Lord, grant me one wish'
> The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said
> 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
> one wish.'
> The man said, 'Please build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over any
> time I want to.'
>
> The Lord said, 'Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics
> of that kind of undertaking.
> The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and
> steel it would take!
> I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
> things.
> Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would
> honour and glorify me.'
>
> The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
> 'Lord, I wish that I could understand what women want. I want to know how
> they feel inside, what they are
> thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they
> mean when they say "nothing",
> and how can I make a woman truly happy.'
>
> All was silent. Finally, God spoke.
> 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

 

[piratequeen]

and another one.....

'Not tonight darling' she said 'I've got a headache'
'What a coincidence!' he cried, 'I've got just the cure!
I've just been in the bathroom powdering my dick with paracetamol - would you like to take it orally, or as a suppository?'