nautical poem from t'north

[sfh]

nautical poem from t\'north

I'll tell you an old-fashioned story
That Grandfather used to relate,
Of a joiner and building contractor;
'Is name, it were Sam Oglethwaite.

In a shop on the banks of the Irwell,
Old Sam used to follow 'is trade,
In a place you'll have 'eard of, called Bury;
You know, where black puddings is made.

One day, Sam were filling a knot 'ole
Wi' putty, when in thro' the door
Came an old feller fair wreathed wi' whiskers;
T'ould chap said 'Good morning, I'm Noah.'

Sam asked Noah what was 'is business,
And t'ould chap went on to remark,
That not liking the look of the weather,
'E were thinking of building an Ark.

'E'd gotten the wood for the bulwarks,
And all t'other shipbuilding junk,
And wanted some nice Bird's Eye Maple
To panel the side of 'is bunk.

Now Maple were Sam's Monopoly;
That means it were all 'is to cut,
And nobody else 'adn't got none;
So 'e asked Noah three ha'pence a foot.

'A ha'penny too much,' replied Noah
'A Penny a foot's more the mark;
A penny a foot, and when t'rain comes,
I'll give you a ride in me Ark.'
But neither would budge in the bargain;
The whole daft thing were kind of a jam,
So Sam put 'is tongue out at Noah,
And Noah made 'Long Bacon ' at Sam



In wrath and ill-feeling they parted,
Not knowing when they'd meet again,
And Sam had forgot all about it,
'Til one day it started to rain.


It rained and it rained for a fortni't,
And flooded the 'ole countryside.
It rained and it kept' on raining,
'Til the Irwell were fifty mile wide.

The 'ouses were soon under water,
And folks to the roof 'ad to climb.
They said 'twas the rottenest summer
That Bury 'ad 'ad for some time.

The rain showed no sign of abating,
And water rose hour by hour,
'Til the only dry land were at Blackpool,
And that were on top of the Tower.

So Sam started swimming to Blackpool;
It took 'im best part of a week.
'Is clothes were wet through when 'e got there,
And 'is boots were beginning to leak.

'E stood to 'is watch-chain in water,
On Tower top, just before dark,
When who should come sailing towards 'im
But old Noah, steering 'is Ark.

They stared at each other in silence,
'Til Ark were alongside, all but,
Then Noah said: 'What price yer Maple?'
Sam answered 'Three ha'pence a foot.'

Noah said 'Nay; I'll make thee an offer,
The same as I did t'other day.
A penny a foot and a free ride.
Now, come on, lad, what does tha say?'

'Three ha'pence a foot,' came the answer.
So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist,
And sailed off again in a dudgeon,
While Sam stood determined, but moist.

Noah cruised around, flying 'is pigeons,
'Til fortieth day of the wet,
And on 'is way back, passing Blackpool,
'E saw old Sam standing there yet.

'Is chin just stuck out of the water;
A comical figure 'e cut,
Noah said: 'Now what's the price of yer Maple?'
Sam answered: 'Three ha'pence a foot.'


Said Noah: 'Ye'd best take my offer;
It's last time I'll be hereabout;
And if water comes half an inch higher,
I'll happen get Maple for nowt.'

'Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost yer,
And as fer me,' Sam said, 'don't fret.
The sky's took a turn since this morning;
I think it'll brighten up yet.'

 

[hlb]

Re: nautical poem from t\'north

Obviously written by an imposter. No mention of tripe, cow heals. Or Treacle mines. The guy is an impostuer..../forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

<font color=blue> Haydn

 

[trev]

Re: nautical poem from t\'north

And not a word of thanks to Stanley Holloway ??

Trev

 

[ChrisP]

Re: nautical poem from t\'north

Thanks for the poem on flood's just what I needed. Sam'l be ok because the EA will build him a flood relief scheme to make sure the water goes into sombody elses workshop.

Keep it up

ChrisP

What do you mean the sea gull in front's walking !!!

 

[tcm]

Re: nautical poem from t\'north

another mis-spelling, yer mean Worksop?

 

[davel]

Final verse

"Nay lad don't be a wassock
It's the last time that I'll be around
A penny a foot and a free ride"
"Bugger Off !" said Sam
and then drowned.

Dave L.

 

[coliholic]

And a bit more

So Noah sailed off in't t sunset
And Sam took stock of his fate
When Haydn came by in his Princess
With Tutts sat on front, his first Mate

Said Haydn, "ee up Sam wha's tha doing,
Sat up on 't tower all alone?
Come aboard, dry thysel off lad
And here's my new mobile phone"

So Sam put a call through to Coastguard
And told em of Noah's nasty trick
"Go down south Sam, we'll help you get even,
Meet with Byron, he's a nasty old prick"

So later they met up with Byron,
Who when he heard what Noah had done
Said, "three happence a foot for that maple?
On the Thames it's five shillings a ton"

"Who mentioned a shilling?" Cried Learner
"Now were have I heard that before
Why it's Cutey that I owe a bob to
But to get it, he'll have to declare war"

At the mention of money, up popped LongJohn
A Financial Adviser no less
"Let me help you invest all that cash lads
And we'll put that sod Noah in a mess"

Meanwhile Sam with his pile of birds eye Maple
Had thought of a profitable wheeze
He'd flog the concession to Fairline
And bring the boat industry to it's knees

Now wiley Sam Newington at Oundle
Who'd invented the blue and white stripey seat
thought if he could get hold of Sam's maple
he'd have Princess and Sealine well beat

But none of them had reckoned on Noah
Who's boat was still looking bare
Even though he was only a raggie
He thought it was really not fair

Not willing to admit he'd been miserly,
Noah came up with a cunning plot,
he'd buy two loads from Sam for three happence
and flog half on for more - but to which twat?

So Noah got in touch with the EnvAg
and told 'em the floods weren't their fault
What they needed was some nice birds eye maple
and he'd flog it to 'em for four happence a foot

The EnvAg told Noah he was dreaming,
there's nothing that cheap that's marine
But the flooding was all part of nature
Next week's gales will make this look quite tame

So now we've got two different factions
All vying for the same bit of wood
The stinkies - because it is pretty,
The raggies - just 'cos it IS wood

By now all you posters will have realised
that it's coming to the end of this joke
What I need is a shilling from Learner
you know him, he's the Taff sans a boat