Nautical humour

PabloPicasso

PabloPicasso

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Ok so I'm going cruising with a 6 and 8 year old. Probably just a few hours aboard or overnight on a marina. In an attempt to briefly entertain them, what are your best nautical jokes. Please keep them age appropriate for the little uns.

Here's my best to get things going, although not strictly boaty

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. His left, his right, and the final front ear...
 
Oh dear. I can never remember jokes. Let's start from the bottom.
What lies on the sea floor and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
Sorry.
 
PabloPicasso said:
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. His left, his right, and the final front ear...
Click to expand...

I thought the Captain of The Enterprise was Captain Slog, as in:

Captain Slog Stardate 25 36 89

I think the actual joke involves asking various UK Nationalities the names of various officers on The Enterprise.
 
An Eskimo goes fishing.
As he starts cutting a hole in the ice he hears a booming voice - "there are no fish there".
So he moves a few feet and starts digging again, and once more the voice booms "there are no fish there".

The Eskimo looks up and asks "is that you God?"

"No" says the voice - "I'm the manager of the skating rink"

:encouragement:
 
An eskimo was out fishing from his canoe. He was feeling very cold, so decided burn some driftwood. He soon had a nice little fire going and was warming up, but the fire burned through the bottom of the boat and it sank.
This proves the old saying;


You can't have your kayak and heat it.
 
DanTribe said:
An eskimo was out fishing from his canoe. He was feeling very cold, so decided burn some driftwood. He soon had a nice little fire going and was warming up, but the fire burned through the bottom of the boat and it sank.
This proves the old saying;


You can't have your kayak and heat it.
Click to expand...

I'm sure that was told by either Denis Norden or Frank Muir on BBC radio "My Word". But in the book of their stories I have the one with that punchline is different!

Mike.
 
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the aging skipper's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were caught in a huge storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor . "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the old pirate, "We were in a bar in Casablanca and a little disagreement ensued over a woman. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Blimey!" remarked the sailor. "And how about the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the abashed pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the questioner asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate - " it was me first day with the hook."

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they aarrr.
 
An indian with a bent for arithmetic had four wives but only had three animal skins for them to sit on. These happened to be two deer skins and one hippopotamus skin. He asked one wife to sit on each of the deer skins and the other two to sit on the hippopotamus skin. His wives asked him why they should do this and he said 'The squaws on the hippopotamus must equal the sum of the squaws on the other two hides'.
 
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