Joke

[graham]

A very old man visits his doctor and gets a checkup. Doctor asks him "How many times do you need to get up in the night for a pee?"

The old guy replies"not often and its marvellous now that we have an automatic light that comes on when I open the bathroom door."

The doctor gives him a clean bill of health then reflects on how wonderful for a man of great age to still have his health and be in such good control of all his faculties.

The next day the doc bumps into the guys wife and mentions what an excellent idea the automatic bathroom light is.

"Automatic light my arse she replies,the silly old sod is pissing in the fridge again" /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

 

[damo]

So someone else is sitting in front of a screen with nothing better to do on a filthy morning /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[graham]

More like someone who has loads to do saying sod it lets look at the forums. /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

 

[chrishelen]

And what a long old morning its been. /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif

 

[Alcyone]

Just got back from Margam boat jumble. Pays to get there early. 6ft wooden oars £10. Bow fender £4. Lifebouy light (new, boxed) £5. 3 bottles of Bilgex and 2 starbright for a tenner.

Some rubbish there as well, mind, but there was a guy doing rols of treadex at £16 a metre, and that was flying out.

 

[chrishelen]

I banned myself from going this year, i tend to buy stuff that i dont need.

 

[matelot]

[ QUOTE ]
So someone else is sitting in front of a screen with nothing better to do on a filthy morning /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Well get out there sailing. It was a bit damp and distinctly breezy but good fun.

 

[damo]

I am at work, looking after boats! Anyway, it would have been a good day to get stuff done in a nice warm workshop /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[tonybarebones]

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants he decided to call it a day when, an armless man approached him and said he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!”

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had found a replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,
“BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL”

Wait ! Wait ! There’s more …………………………

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in his duty.”


The bishop agreed to audition him, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, but …………………….”



(……..Wait for it……….)

(……..Wait for it……….)


“HE’S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER”

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

 

[Morpheous]

Gone a bit quiet in here again, have another joke:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[Csail]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the *******!!"