Increasing SWMBO self confidence

Magic_Sailor

Magic_Sailor

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"How many instructors" post elswhere got me thinking.

SWMBO is a good sailor. Pretty fearless and good crew. But, she lacks self confidence. So, she won't berth the boat and when helming close hauled becomes nervous etc etc though I know she can.

I try to give her plenty (but not too much) positive feedback - but to no avail.

What advice could anyone give to help. All answers much appreciated but particularly from the fairer sex.

Magic

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Leave the cockpit ........... without saying too much ....

Grab a beer, shades and sit on the foredeck.


<hr width=100% size=1>Nigel ...
Bilge Keelers get up further ! I came - cos they said was FREE Guinness !
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My other half is the same. But she always takes the helm when we are mooring up. I bounce around on deck doing the stringy pulling bits: it just seems safer that way. However, if we are under sail she is convinced that she can't steer....it makes having a pee a bit of a problem. (No auto pilot).

I wish I could find the answer!


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You answered your question yourself in an earlier thread. Send her on a course. It's surprising what a little praise from some gorgeous hunk of an instructor does for a woman's confidence. Plus, of course, that bit of paper called a "certificate of successful course completion".
If you or she don't like that idea I believe there are still one or two schools with female instructors who run women only courses. But be careful, she might well come back and tell you how to do things!!

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As both a regular poster and a SWMBO myself I can say that being forced by circumstances and just having to get on with it has helped hugely. I've always been thought to be quite a bold, adventurous type, and have thought this of myself, but sailing has confronted me with situations which make me much more anxious than I ever thought I could be: helming at close quarters, for example. I've consequently felt very ashamed and girly, and unable to figure out why I'm being such a big girl's blouse. Husband has been gentle and patient - as it sounds you have towards your own SWMBO - but this has rarely helped.

During one engine failure in quite a big blow (well, I thought it was blowy..!) husband was involved with head down engine, getting increasingly sea sick, etc. and I had to get on with sorting out head sail on foredeck, then swing back to do various other stuff. I found that being forced to do stuff really helped - there was no option but to get on with it and focus. My anxiety disappeared and I suddenly felt in control and realised that yes, I could actually do this. Actually accomplishing what you set out to do is the best way of building confidence. All the sweet words and gentle handling in the world - though extremely welcome - are not confidence builders in themselves. We over-think things: if my husband cries "No, sweetheart, you can do it, I know you can!" I can pass it off as the fond words of my well-meaning fella who's only saying that cos he lurves me. The times I've had no choice but to take the helm/swing about on the fordeck or in the rigging/etc. have shown me that I can actually do it and don't need to leave it to himself.

I've not been sailing for long (few months), and absolutely love it (indeed am becoming slightly obsessed by it, hence in a sulk today 'cos not out on boat /forums/images/icons/frown.gif) but there is something about it that can reduce me to a gibbering wreck sometimes. I know I'll feel better with time and experience, but I do urge you to try the opposite tactic to gentle words. Though I realise that's not an easy thing to do...hmm...

So, after all that, I'm in agreement with the other chaps - pretend you've suddenly got the runs/have gone blind/suddenly have amnesia and have forgotten which end of the boat is the stern and get her to take control.

You could get her to post here maybe - or PM, me, a fellow SWMBO who knows exactly how she feels! /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

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Come on, Cornishman!

"She might come back and tell you how to do things"!!!!!

Nothing saps the confidence as much as permanent and unchallengeable subordination - too often viewed as the natural order of things.

When the time comes that she might tell you how to do things and you might just consider the possibility that she may be right - that might be the start of some real progress. Are you sure you want that? If she doesn't, or if you don't, you are probably on a hiding to nothing.



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Re: Come on, Cornishman!

I do hope he was trying to be jovial. I know some very, very fine lady sailors, with as much knowledge and confidence as their partners. Most of us don't like to try and keep our partners down, male or female, it's totally counter productive, not to mention very chauvanistic.

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well I would say try some dinghy sailing.. I know this sounds funny but it's how I learnt to sail and manoeuvering under sail without the aid of an engine..

you know picking up moorings, going alongside, heaving to.. tacking.. fast and furiously.

The big thing is it is all scaled down and things happen much faster so generally moving up to a yacht is easier..

I am absolutely convinced that dinghy sailing has helped me and made me more confident regarding boat manoeuvering generally.

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Maybe, but I\'m not

Joking, I mean. Women's experience of sailing is, in the main, fundamentally different from men's. The prevailing assumption on both sides is that the man is the skipper. So men have to get on with it, live with and learn by their mistakes - there is no-one to bail them out. Women, on the other hand, are bailed out, or expect to be bailed out when the going gets rough. (I am generalising, of course - there are many exceptions, but I've taught enough women to sail - formally and informally - to see this trend at work) Also, on most boats, the man expects to do things HIS way. And so does the woman. He learns by his experience and she learns secondhand what he has learned by his experience. It is all too easy to underestimate the impact of this gulf between "skipper" and "crew" experience - which usually means "male" and "female" experience.

BUT you really only learn confidence in yourself (except at the basic level of knowing how to do specific tasks) by having to take decisions and living with the results (as Kilkerr rightly points out) That takes a lot of self discipline on the part of the "senior partner". I know only too well how difficult it can be. So I contend that if you are not willing to give another person the freedom to learn as you have learned - and live with their actions, their decisions and, indeed, their mistakes - as they have probably had to live with yours - then progress will always be limited.

I'm pretty confident on my own boat, but always feel "de-skilled" (horrible term, I know, but reasonably clear, I hope) on other people's - because things are done their way, not my (or our) way. Well, a lot of women are always on "someone else's boat" - His.





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Re: Maybe, but I\'m not

<<That takes a lot of self discipline on the part of the "senior partner".>>

Either that or sea sickness - top tip.



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I would not sulk about missing the sailing today - wind was non- existent unlike yesterday. Had a great sail yesterday (top end of force 6) in the solent out to nab and back, but today I think wind achieved 7 knots at its most, and was reading 4 knots for most of it - wasnt worth going out and being flung around by the mobos so did some maintenance instead.

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Cheers

A scary thought indeed. Joking apart; she'd done day skipper theory (I know its not practical) and got top marks against all the other blokes. She seems to get so competitive that not being able to do it frightens her more that actually doing it.

Still, a lot of people are like that.

Generally we have a really superb division of labour so I'm not moaning.

I just want to see her do something I know she's quite capable of.

Magic

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Re: Maybe, but I\'m not

Very well put. I do assure you that I don't mind a few mistakes. We all make them.

It is pretty much how you describe it - sort of - it's seen as my boat to decide what we do and where we go and how we get there (at the sailing level). But, I'd like nothing better that for SWMBO to go out on her own, as skipper, with someone else (purely for sailing you understand!)

I'll bear what you've said in mind.

Magic

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I am a lady skipper but for power, Send her on a ladys only course, with just females around us ladys have no one but us to rely on. and it works. Ask your local sea school about it. The RYA has a list of all instructors. You can ask them too.

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Re: Maybe, but I\'m not

And now I feel like some kind of freek!.. One of the biggest reasons I've bought a boat is 'cus I like being my own boss.. i.e. I'm lousy crew 'cus I can always think of a better way of doing something and quickly loose faith in the assumed "skipper".. guess I'm a natural mutineer.. what often makes it worse is the rest of the crew have quite often seemed to prefer to ask me about something rather than the skipper.. which makes for awkward situations.. But I will say again that my confidence regarding boat handling and the sailing bit of things is entirely born of mucking about in dinghies in relatively safe and controlled environments.. thank-you Studland Bay and Salcome for teaching me so much/forums/images/icons/smile.gif

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Re: Come off it, Violetta

Where's your sense of humour gone? I'm sure you used to have one.

I was being jovial - to a degree, but haven't you seen anyone fresh from a practical course and anxious to prove that the money was not wasted saying "Oh! But that's not the way they taught us at the Blankety-blank Sailing School"?
I have, more than once, men and women.



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Indeed I have

Met with fresh learners and their shiny new knowledge. And that's my point. Maybe they need the chance to play with that knowledge the way the old salt played with it when he was learning - not just be told "here, we do things my way". And, just maybe, that shiny knew knowledge could be allowed to have a tiny little bit of influence on the way things get done, even if it's NOT exactly how the incumbent skipper would do things himself. THAT is how to give people confidence. Takes some doing, though.

Sorry if you object to me taking a serious point out of your "to a degree" jovial comment but there is one there, IMHO, so there it is........

<hr width=100% size=1><P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by Violetta on 11/10/2003 21:55 (server time).</FONT></P>
 
Mutineers

I'm another - always have been. And I couldn't agree more about dinghy sailing. Great way to learn about boat handling. But having sailed for many years with all women crews (often deliberately to help them get experience away from the "fixed" roles on their own boats) I find the biggest obstacle is that many simply give up too early. They just assume they can't do things because they've never ultimately had to do them - there was always someone to take back the responsibility. Human nature.

Happy to say that four of the women who started sailing with me in the past few years are now skippering their own boats - either as sole owners or as equal partners with their men. That's their achievement, not mine. The key was to learn for themselves, not to depend on being taught. Don't know what the blokes think about it, though ;-)

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