humour

[Gerry]

Young man walks into Hollywood agents office
'I really want to make it big time in the movies, I'm talented clever handsome and hardworking and I want you to represent me.'

'Fine,' says the agent, 'guys like you I can help. So whats your name son?'
'Penis Von Lesbian,' comes back the proud reply

'No way mate you'll never get anywhere with a name like that , you'll have to cahnge it' laughs the agent

'But I can't the honour of the Von Lesbian family would be challenged and besmerched for ever I cannot agree to that.'

The young man leaves the agents office.

Thirty years later the agent is opening his mail when a cheque for $50000 falls from an envelope, intrigued he reads the letter that accompanies it...

Dear Sir,

Many years ago when I came to see you you advised me to change my name. I was very rude to you and walked away. On thinking over what you said I realised that you were right. I changed my name and have been a huge success in the movies. I want you to have this cheque as a belated thank you

Kindest regards

Dick Van Dyke!

 

[steve_cronin]

Very good. Keep it up!....nm

..

 

[webcraft]

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

"How'd you end up with a peg leg?" asks the sailor.

"I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off me whole leg."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"

"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other seamen with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "And the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

Said the pirate,

"It was me first day with the hook."

-Nick
(Well at least it's a nautical joke!)




BlueMoment.Com
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.bluemoment.com/>http://www.bluemoment.com/</A>

 

[steveh]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

 

[clyst]

Man walks into pub Hi Eddie says barman not just eddie says man but LUCKY Eddie to day! how come says bar man? Found a £20 note in your carpark!

Next day Same man same pub same barman .Hi LUCKY EDDIE! No no says man LUCKY LUCKY EDDIE to day I found a £50 note in your carpark today!

Next day Same man Same pub same barman Hi LUCKY LUCKY EDDIE!NO no says man LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY EDDIE today Dont tell me you found £100 in the carpark . Christ no says man me and the missus was 'aving abit of a session on the bed when some sod threw a brick thro' the window and hit me right 'ere showing the barman aheafty bruise on his rump.Whats LUCKY in that says barman? Two minutes earlier says man and it would have caught me right in the back of me head!

No Groans PLEASE!

 

[LadyInBed]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....”Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!”
Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurt’s, don’t it?!”

 

[clyst]

Re: humour NigelB

Kinda like that one reminds me about the Lobster song!!

Fair winds chaps!

 

[webcraft]

The following is supposedly a documented conversation between the USS Lincoln and a Canadian "vessel".

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.

- <font color=blue>Nick</font color=blue>



BlueMoment.Com
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.bluemoment.com/>http://www.bluemoment.com/</A>

 

[Rowana]

Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates "I'm sorry Forrest" St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals

"That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?";

"3 Questions" said St Peter

"Which are?" asked Forrest

"The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letters 'T'?
"The second is: How many seconds are there in a year"
"The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions Forrest, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me"

So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought

I expect you to do the same............



The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have"

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
Forrest said, " Today and Tomorrow"

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question

"Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Just 12!"
"Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?"
"Easy" said Forest "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds"

St Peter looked at Forrest and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision" And he walked away shaking his head

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest "I'll allowthe answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven"

"Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
Forrest replied,"Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer"
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"
"It's Andy"
"It's Andy??"
"Yes, it's Andy" said Forrest
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked"Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
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wait for it ...
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"Easy" said Forrest "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited
till his billy boiled "




Jim

 

[heerenleed]

Three nuns drive their car back from their weekly visit to the local market. Unfortunately Sister Mary, the driver, does not see this huge lorry in time. She, Sister Martha and sister Lucrecia sadly die in the accident that follows.

But, as you may expect of these holy sisters, they climb the stairs to heaven and arrive at the main gate where they are greeted by St. Peter.

Good day, sisters, what can I do for you?. Well, the sisters say in unison, you can let us into heaven. I could, says St. Peter, I could. But, before I can let you in, you all have to answer a question correctly. So, one by one, they are let into a separate room to answer the question.

First, it is sister Mary's turn. "What, asks St. Peter, is the name of the first man on earth?" "well, that's easy" sais sister Mary, "Adam, of course".
And the bells rang, and the angels sang, and sister Mary walks into eternal bliss!

Now, it is sister Martha's turn.
And St. Peter's question to her was:"Who was the first women on earth?"
"Well, easy", sais sister Martha. 'Eve!"
And the bells rang, and the angels sang, and sister Martha walks into eternal bliss!

Finally, Sister Lucercia is let into the separate room.
St. Peter sat her down and asks his quetion to her:
"What were the first words Eve spoke to Adam?"
And Sister Lucrecia thinks, and thinks again, and sais" Jee, that's a hard one...."











And the bells rang, and the angels ...........................



cheers

Peter a/b SV Heerenleed, Steenbergen, Netherlands

 

[BoatlessinOslo]

That reminds me of another Nun joke:-

Four nuns drive their car back from their weekly visit to the local market. Unfortunately Sister Mary, the driver, does not see this huge lorry in time. She, Sister Martha, Sister Charity and sister Lucrecia sadly die in the accident that follows.

But, as you may expect of these holy sisters, they climb the stairs to heaven and arrive at the main gate where they are greeted by St. Peter.

Good day, sisters, what can I do for you?. Well, the sisters say in unison, you can let us into heaven. I could, says St. Peter, I could. But, before I can let you in, you all have to answer a question.

So the sisters stand in line and St Peter asks the first one:

"Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?"
Sister Mary replies "Once, when I was young, I touched one with my finger"
St Peter instructs her to wash her finger in the bowl of Holy Water next to the gate and go on into heaven.

St Peter asks the second one the same question:

"Sister Martha, have you ever touched a penis?"
Sister Martha replies "Once, when I was a novice, I touched one with my hand"
St Peter instructs her to wash her hand in the bowl of Holy Water next to the gate and go on into heaven.

When he turns to the last two they are pushing and shoving each other.
"Sisters", he says, "there is no rush to get into heaven, why are you fighting?" and
Sister Lucrecia replies ......

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"If you think I'm going to gargle with the Holy water after Sister Charity washes her butt in it, you're out of your mind"


Why's that smoke coming out the hatch ?

 

[SimonD]

and Adam's first words to Eve?



"Get out of the way, I don't know how big this thing's going to get"

 

[clyst]

Hope this isn't taken as racist Here goes anyway!!
A Dutch Yacht sails into a marina banging and crashing into pontoons and boats as the helm wrestles with theboat in.What's the matter with him says berthing master waiting to take mooring rope Its alright he's just got a touch of DUTCH ELM DISEASE!! NO GROANS PLEASE!!

Fair winds to you all!!

 

[doris]

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and
invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown
a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that
happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked
to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was
if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to
deal with this situation. I headed out the front door ...
There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained
that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their
little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their
little test.
I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was asinine bullshit,
but I'm marring their daughter, not them.
I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was
to get a condom ...

 

[Rowana]

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road.

The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.

The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and its Arizona in the summer, after all.

He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream."

 

[Guest]

Excuse the language !!

A recently widowed chap called Jim lived next door to a still attractive widow called Mary. Jim had always liked Mary. He also owned a small outboard powered dinghy which he liked to take out on his local river.
One sunny Sunday Jim asked Mary if she would like to come out onto the river that afternoon, she replied that she would be delighted.
All went well until they came to a fork in the river. "Up or down?" enquired Jim. At this Mary turned round and gave Jim an odd look. She then stripped off all her clothes, jumped on top of Jim and proceeded to shag his brains out!
When the had finished, Jim started the engine and they carried on. Soon after they came to another fork in the river. "Up or down?" Jim asked. Mary then turned around, stripped off and gave Jim what can only be described as a 'right good seeing too' !! The boat trip ended shortly after.
The following Sunday Jim again asked Mary about a trip on the river. She agreed. At the first fork Jim said "Up or down?" Mary turned, gave Jim a sharp look and answered "Up" tersely. Jim was a little disappointed but carried on. At the next fork he again said. "Up or down?" This time Mary just said "Down" without even turning. So now Jim had to ask. "Hold on, last week when I said 'up or down' you stripped off and gave me the shag of my life. What's different this week?" "That's easy". Mary replied. "Last week my hearing aid battery was flat. I thought that you said '-uck or Drown'".

 

[BrianJ]

Now listen son, I knew what you were up to and if I catch you doing tha again I will belt he living daylights out of you
Dad