How do you pursuade a reluctant partner to become a Liveaboard?

[srm]

Not sure how relevant this is but have just bought a 15 year old boat that was obviously built and fitted out for ocean sailing - even had sight reduction tables on board, insulted back stay for ssb, twin running poles etc. etc.

The sails have hardly been used and it has been stored ashore every winter but two. The owner and his wife had obviously found a balance that suited them, and lived on board for 6 months each year in a med marina - it is also wired for 240v lighting!

May be a way for you to go, if only initially.

 

[pragmatist]

I think it's the perceived security of being a 'dirt dweller' and presumed severence of connections with family and friends.

Firstly I would say that HWMBO has been remarkably clever at letting me have my head when it's come to choosing boats (to the extent of learning at least one hard lesson that roomy isn't necessarily what matters - I'm now deeply converted to boats that sail to windward ). But, in his own interests, he has always paid attention to those things which really p*** me off - like lack of heating and running hot water. I have said to many chaps on the forum discussing this - ignore her hates and you'll end up sailing on your own ! So keep asking her what she wants and make sure you do your best to provide it.

In terms of "perceived security" is this a question of having a house to go back to later ? Why not talk about it in terms of a short term adventure/trip and let the "live aboard for ever" bit either happen or not ?

With friends and family I would suggest that it may work the other way. If you take the boat to great places you're quite likely to be inundated with visitors. Certainly living in the West Country we have plenty of peeps who want to come for a holiday and I know that if we take the boat somewhere good the kids and their kids will be hunting for a cheap flight rather than doing the "oh heck ... got to visit the parents for Xmas". And of course you are likely to make lots of new friends - that appears to be one of the benefits of a cruising life. Staying put doesn't mean your family and friends will either. Undoubtedly if you have aged family this needs careful consideration but some of the other posts seemed helpful on this.

You could also try to identify those aspects of land-based living SWMBO dislikes. Personally if I never drove to Tesco again I'd be much happier. Shopping by dinghy is SOOOO much better.

And yes, if she'd like to PM me please do ask her to - we're not permanent liveaboards but we plan to increase the percentage radically now our family circumstances have changed and (mostly) I love it !

Penny

 

[steveallan]

We live on the boat (Colvic Victor 34) full time. Summer time is cruising to our next winter stopover. Meeting some old friends and some new friends. Winter we spend in a marina, last two years Lagos this year Messalonghi. Like lots of others we look for a marina/port where there is a good social life with lots to do over the winter ie BQ,s parties etc.The following web site will give you a taste of how things happen in Lagos, lagosnavigators.net So that by the time spring comes we are looking forward to some time on our own. I know that this lifestyle is not for everone but it works for us.

 

[Skents]

I have lived on board for a total of 20 years - too much in the UK but also in Med and Caribbean. If your wife would like to chat I would be more than happy to talk to her.....PM me.

In general though I would make the following comments.....

1. Women (like other humans) feel far better about something when they get to know other people doing the same thing. If you mix with a bunch of girls who can't live without a weekly visit to Toni n Guy and a regular manicure then you are unlikely to fit in with the average cruising crowd.

But, if your wife has a good sense of humour, enjoys spending a lot of time in your company plus meeting new people and visiting new places she will be fine. I totally agree with the other posts which suggests she gets to know some other liveaboard women.

2. Women (and guys) can find being at sea a bit of a scary thing. Some women love it, some genuinely can't deal with it, some can get used to it in manageable portions and other wives and girlfriends are used as an excuse by blokes with big dreams and little chance of realising them.

Inspire your wife with some travel porn - places to go and people to meet. But make sure she is equipped for what lies ahead - doing a few courses (preferably with other women) may help your wife feel part of the adventure rather than a powerless passenger.

3. I've met women who have kept cruising while the guy has run for shore and a 9 to 5 but admittedly it does tend to be the women who find it harder (hence the number of male singlehanders who would be happy to change their status by finding a sailing mate).

Perhaps the old nest building thing does have some substance in truth?

I have always been more keen to fly home to visit parents and kids than my husband has. But if you build a few flights home into your budget this issue can be surmounted.

These days SSB, e mail, satphones and internet cafes make keeping in touch easier than ever. Also, the cruising world is a lot more sociable than your average UK boating scene and you need not feel isolated if you are prepared to meet new people.

4. Not everyone can be persuaded to go cruising and I don't think any of us would want to live with someone who was utterly miserable with their life. However, modern systems mean that living on a boat can be closer to living in a house than it has ever been - phones, inverters, computers, heating, running water, etc.

If your wife is not to keen then you need to be realistic. Unless you have a very large budget then your partner will have to live with less space, a limit on power consumption (while away from shore power) and an exposure to the elements that most dirt dwellers don't accept.

But there a lot of "pros" than make up for these "cons". It's all about where the tipping point lies.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to the sort of person you are living with.

Good luck.

 

[Seah0rse]

Great Posts .... Thanks

Some great posts there since my last one in particular, for me, Pragamtist and Skents. Thank you very much Ladies!

Meeting other Liveaboards seems a great idea, and yes Mogy, my idea is a romantic one as our first holiday together was for three weeks aboard in the Med xx years ago before we married.

My main concern is that I want her to join in this adventure because she wants to not just because I want her to.

 

[temptress]

SWMBO quite likes her fairweather sailing but the prospect of becomming a Liveaboard fills her with horror. I believe it's a common problem.

Is there anyone in a similar situation who overcame this lack of joint vision and won his/her other half over. If so, please do tell.

It's not everyone's cup of tea. First you need to find out what the issues are.

Is it the sailing?
Living in a confined space?
Being a nomad?
Why do you want to do it?
Why she does not want to do it?

As you said much in marriage is a 'joint vision' so you need to agree what taht vision is and what it means to both of you.

Then work out a compromise.

Either that or get a new SWMBO

 

[Poignard]

Either that or get a new SWMBO

As Eric Hiscock said: "The best way to get a good crew is to marry one"

 

[LadyInBed]

becoming a Liveaboard fills her with horror.

Lots have been said about various hangups, digging deeper as I found, the real problem that my wife has is how would she cope if something happened to me. She isn't a sailor, she has been a passenger for 25+ years!
I can get her away for w/e's on our own ok and this year for an extended (4 week) summer hol as we had someone else on board that could take responsibility for the boat in the event injury to me, even though he had to fly home after two weeks, but she didn't know that when we set off

Is your other half an independent, competent, single handed sailor? If not, then that may also be the issue.

 

[Seah0rse]

Is your other half an independent, competent, single handed sailor? If not, then that may also be the issue.

That is a good point as, no she is not, but she is getting better all the time. I think that is a component but not the knub of the problem. I have suggested a course but that didn't go down too well.

 

[Oliveoyl]

Persuade SWMBO to go on a course

I had the same problem - Popeye was the sailor, and I was -well not exactly the passenger, but more quartermaster/cabin boy/ deckhand. Also anguish about "what would happen if MOB (him)....
So I went on a course, on my own, à la Shirley Valentine in Greece, and it gave me soooo much more self confidence.At least now, when I screw up, I know why!
Highly recommended

 

[Wansworth]

a propos nothing in particularI remember my father gave up sailing as he discovered that my mother gradually had lost interest ,they where in their late sixties,even so remember he much prefered my mother to go along when they had been younger.If you have to sail without your mate or you feel she is not really interested for her own sake it makes the whole operation a bit sad.Take it a bit at a time....