coliholic
New member
Mindful of Kim’s suggestion earlier this week of the possible split to a serious forum and a jokey forum, I notice several people have suggested that rather than hijack a serious thread by making it too lighthearted, that the jokes should be sort of clearly marked as such.
Well a post further down from Col which was a serious search for an insurance company has sort of degenerated into perhaps a bit too jokey (tcm,longjohn and I are the guilty parties), and not wishing to upset any apple carts I’ve hijacked the “offending posts” and moved them to here.
If you follow the original thread it all started innocently enough. Col posted that Navigators hadn’t replied to his request for a quote, Navigators, to their credit came back here and apologised and I congratulated Navigators on doing so. Then it started. Tcm had a litle jokey poke at my expense and I replied, then tcm replied, then Lonjohn got involved, then I replied again and then well here they are.
From Coliholic replying to Navigators
Cor excellent Joe. A supplier that reads the forum and bothers to respond here. Could just as easily have sent Col a PM and we'd all have never known.
I'm impressed.
Go on Col, tell us. How good was their quote, or would that be unfair?
From tcm to coliholic
I am very sorry to hear about the soggy shortbread, and the poor packaging described in your letter. Although our biscuits may absorb moisture from the air, they do not usually get sopping wet through as you describe. Also, our delivery of only half of the biscuits in a brand new packet, with all the packaging above "sort of torn open" is disturbing indeed, and not up to our usual standards. I should assure you that our factory strives for the highest standards of cleanliness and quality.
However, upon writing to you, I was surprised to find that computer seems to recognise your name, and autocorrected the spelling of your address. Looking at correspondence going back over ten years, I note that this is the sixty-seventh time that you have written to a variety of staff at this compnay with complaints including that the shortbread was "a bit overcooked", "a bit undercooked", "not quite rectangular", "too sugary", "a bit too rounded at the edges", "not sugary enough", "not like Mum made", "too big for the tin", "too crumbly", "too dry", "not having the holes in the right places", "one them being a bit slanty-looking", "the top one being broken", "the bottom one being broken", others numbered variously 2 thru 23 being broken, "not like Grandma made" and even "structurally unsound".
I wonder if perhaps I might dare to suggest that you opened them whilst a bit sloshed, scoffed a few, fell in the river as usual whilst holding the rest of the packet or chucked a pot of tea over them, and then can't remeber anything about it? Then, you wrote me a letter again, like the last time and the time before that and the previous 66 times before that too.
Anyway, I enclose yet another free packet of shortbread as gesture of trying to get rid of you.
Yours
Matts
Marketing manager
Acme Shortbread Company
From coliholic to tcm
dear Mr Matts Marketing Mgr
It was good of you to bother to respond again to my latest complaint of your product and whilst I am pleased that you have sent me yet another box of biscuits, I am beoming increaingly concerned that each time I eat one of the these defective items, you send me a whole new box, which of course I have to eat to find out if you've finally got it right.
The main side effect of your initially seemingly good natured rsponse, is that my weight has gone from it's normal 10 stone to just over 19, I cannot be more accurate than that since my bathroom scales only go to 19 stones so I wrote to the scales manufacturers complaining of their defective product and those buggers sent me a set of industrial weighing scales. The delivery of these scales by their large artic caused the paving on my driveway to crack and before I could complain to the concrete slab manufacturers, the weight of the truck broke through the water main underneath.
The water spout that ensued reached a height of some 70feet and with such force that it blasted into the lampost on the pavement. As the lampost crashed down through the artic's cab, it caused the driver to inadvertantly accelerate through next door's lounge window and out through his patio doors into his back garden. It was of course a shame that their gas fire was alight at the time and the resulting gas leak caused a build of of gas which exploded causing the roof of their house to blow off. As I am sure you will appreciate, what goes up must come down and as the roof tiles returned to earth the debris wrote off seventeen cars parked in the Jaguar dealer next door. Of course if that wsn't bad enough, when the police, fire and ambulance service arrived, their prime task was to try to save lives, but this was hampered by the looters who took their chance to empty the Jaguar dealers of any surviving stock. In doing so they crashed two cars through Barclays Bank across the street. As the joy riders fled they emptied the bank's tills and it appears stole some £245,000 in cash. fortunately they left the euros behind.
Of course whilst a normally sane man could claim that all the blame for this can't really be laid at your door, my legal advisors, Messrs Sue'em and Run, do feel that your continued presentation of boxes of biscuits to me, indirectly caused this mayhem. Specifically they state that there is no warning or disclaimer on your box of biscuits to the effect that eating your product could cause these effects.
Would you therefore please forward a claim form from your insurance company, who I assume is either Navigators or HKJ.
Assuring you of my continued custom for your biscuits.
From tcm to coliholic
Dear Coliholic
I am concerned at the carnage and destruction that followed the innocent delivery of yet another box of shortbread biscuits to your house.
I understand from the underwriters that the damage has been assessed at 2k for the lamppost, 20k for the truck, 200k for house repairs, 17 x 30k jags, plus 245k in cash. At first, our joint insurers Navigators and HKJ, could not believe the extent of the damage. However, upon hearing your name they shrieked, put the phone down and sent around cheques by taxi within a few hours for full amount of the claim totalling £977,000.
I was initially surprised to hear of your increased weight, especially since all of your letters protested that box after box of them was “inedible” and had been discarded. Closer examination of our sales statistics, however, reveal that a staggering 89% of our sales by volume over the past nine years are achieved from just a single UK supermarket, this being the one at the end of your street.
I am afraid that I subsequently learned from our mixing department that the secret ingredient , unique to the “ secret jungle recipe” of the top-selling “Leopard” brand of biscuits is in fact highly addictive and causes severe dehydrating. This will, I admit, have contributed towards your massive consumption of our biscuits, and your predilection towards chucking yourself in the marina at every opportunity.
However, as result of our revenue being revealed as evidently so dependent upon one customer (you), and the even more massive insurance claims that might possibly arise in the future from your similarly massive bulk, our bankers have withdrawn credit facilities.
We therefore found ourselves in the embarrassing position of being essentially bankrupt. It is with trepidation that I must tell you that the Board have abandoned their now near-worthless shares, fired all the staff, cashed the insurance cheque, and caught a flight to Brazil. All that remains are my own £2 of shares. To avod further legal action it seems reasonable to give you joint ownership of the factory, from whence I am writing, along with the stock of over 200 tons of shortbread and several dozen ageing machines and spare parts. Without a recipe, of course, we are unable to continue to make biscuits, or to use the name “Acme”, nor is there much point in calling ourselves a "biscuit company" since we have no staff.
It was in fact my house next door which was been blown to smithereens. I therfore find myself homeless and would therefore be happy to help in any way that I can. I eagerly await your instructions regarding the biscuits, and a new name and direction for the company.
From longjohnsilver
Dear Colic and Matts,
I read with complete horror of the position, or rather lack of it, that you both find yourself in, particularly as you both appear to be the innocent parties in this series of calamitous events.
I would hope soon to be in a position to offer not only solace but also more practical help by way of suitable accommdation for both of you in an extremely safe environment.
I am in negotiation to purchase and restore the once grand Taunton Safari Park, which until the recent unfortunate episode resulting in the closure of most of Somerset and Devon, was the largst wildlife park outside of Africa. Most of the big cats have now been recovered, the rhinos have now been tracked and darted, the monkeys have been removed from Westminster and the dodo's have been returned by Brussels.
Because of the most unfortunate disappearance without trace of the former big game keeper whilst feeding the tame leopard we now find that we have a vacancy (and a leopard) which needs filling. It was suggested that you Mr Matts would have the necessary experience to fill this particular vacancy. You will naturally be expected to share quarters with our tame spotted cat to help her overcome the sad loss of her former keeper. All we ask is that you wear nothing that would upset a big cats digestion system. This is a short term vacancy, but should your duties be carried out to our satisfaction then prospects for advancement may well present themselves. We anticipate that we will soon have a further vacancy for a hygiene assistant for our herd of incontinent elephants.
This still leaves Mr Colic somewhat out in the cold so I and my fellow directors, Mr and Mrs Chipperfield, have decided that we would take this opportunity to pension off Sam the juggling sealion, who has provided years of sterling service. We would therefore be very honoured if Mr Colic would accept the resultant vacancy in this very important department. We believe him to be of the required stature, having consumed most of the production of Acme biscuits, as well as being well aware of his very obvious predilection to spend as much time as possible in any water which he finds himself near. Suitable and specific training will be provided, but we request that you supply your own balls for juggling purposes.
As these positions are expected to be oversubscribed I shall appreciate a swift response,
Regards,
LJS, MD Pretty Polly Wildlife Park.
From coliholic to tcm
Look will you pack it up with these biscuits. Since receiving your letter another truckload has turned up and I've got nowhere to put them. Not now that the garage is full of crappy old broken down biscuit making machines and the Afghanistan family from next door have moved in since their home is still being rebuilt.
We did store the biscuits in or (roofless) shed but I hesitate to tell you that they got a bit damp and spoiled in case you send any more of those damn biscuits. I'm sick of them. I keep trying to walk to the shed with the intention of taking them to the council dump but that's proving impossible. Not least because my weight has now balloned to 23 and halfstone (the new scales work a treat) and I keep sinking into the sodden lawn, caused by all the water from the burst pipe, but also because the council tip is full of the debris as a result of your last "gift".
By the way you seem to doubt that I found your biscuits inedible purely because I ate them. I find your logic confusing. Without eating them, how would I know they were inedible? And just because Ii did eat them, it doesn't mean I enjoyed them. But please don't send any more.
Now that your company has ceased trading, I assume you will soon be unemployed. Whilst I am disappointed to hear this I trust you will let me know where your next job is so that we can keep in touch. I've gone right off biscuits but have developed a fondness for Balvennie whisky and believe that this brand needs your undoubted skills in marketing and promotion. Might I suggest that you get a job with them and once your feet are under the table, I can give you some valuable pointers as to how their product could be improved. But please don't send more than one case at a time.
The cheque from the insurance company was most useful although I do feel that for your joint insurers to address it to "that fat git at No 9", was perhaps a little cruel and uncaring and has caused me some stress. Indeed when I showed the envelope to Messrs Sue'em and Run they initially expressed shock and horror then, as the litigation possibilities dawned on them, their eyes slowly glazed over and and I can only describe their expression as somewehat akin to orgasmic. THey have beenm in touch with your insurers to seek compensation on my behalf for the distress caused and the initial feedback form the insurers was that they addressed it how you told them. Of course with your testimony we shall dispute this since we think there's more chance of getting lots of money out of them rather than just a share in your £2 and we trust that you'll be "on my side" to pull a flanker over them.
Oh and finally I'm thinking of buying a boat with the insurance cheque but can't seem to find an insurance company that will give me a quote. Can you recommend one?
Yours
Well a post further down from Col which was a serious search for an insurance company has sort of degenerated into perhaps a bit too jokey (tcm,longjohn and I are the guilty parties), and not wishing to upset any apple carts I’ve hijacked the “offending posts” and moved them to here.
If you follow the original thread it all started innocently enough. Col posted that Navigators hadn’t replied to his request for a quote, Navigators, to their credit came back here and apologised and I congratulated Navigators on doing so. Then it started. Tcm had a litle jokey poke at my expense and I replied, then tcm replied, then Lonjohn got involved, then I replied again and then well here they are.
From Coliholic replying to Navigators
Cor excellent Joe. A supplier that reads the forum and bothers to respond here. Could just as easily have sent Col a PM and we'd all have never known.
I'm impressed.
Go on Col, tell us. How good was their quote, or would that be unfair?
From tcm to coliholic
I am very sorry to hear about the soggy shortbread, and the poor packaging described in your letter. Although our biscuits may absorb moisture from the air, they do not usually get sopping wet through as you describe. Also, our delivery of only half of the biscuits in a brand new packet, with all the packaging above "sort of torn open" is disturbing indeed, and not up to our usual standards. I should assure you that our factory strives for the highest standards of cleanliness and quality.
However, upon writing to you, I was surprised to find that computer seems to recognise your name, and autocorrected the spelling of your address. Looking at correspondence going back over ten years, I note that this is the sixty-seventh time that you have written to a variety of staff at this compnay with complaints including that the shortbread was "a bit overcooked", "a bit undercooked", "not quite rectangular", "too sugary", "a bit too rounded at the edges", "not sugary enough", "not like Mum made", "too big for the tin", "too crumbly", "too dry", "not having the holes in the right places", "one them being a bit slanty-looking", "the top one being broken", "the bottom one being broken", others numbered variously 2 thru 23 being broken, "not like Grandma made" and even "structurally unsound".
I wonder if perhaps I might dare to suggest that you opened them whilst a bit sloshed, scoffed a few, fell in the river as usual whilst holding the rest of the packet or chucked a pot of tea over them, and then can't remeber anything about it? Then, you wrote me a letter again, like the last time and the time before that and the previous 66 times before that too.
Anyway, I enclose yet another free packet of shortbread as gesture of trying to get rid of you.
Yours
Matts
Marketing manager
Acme Shortbread Company
From coliholic to tcm
dear Mr Matts Marketing Mgr
It was good of you to bother to respond again to my latest complaint of your product and whilst I am pleased that you have sent me yet another box of biscuits, I am beoming increaingly concerned that each time I eat one of the these defective items, you send me a whole new box, which of course I have to eat to find out if you've finally got it right.
The main side effect of your initially seemingly good natured rsponse, is that my weight has gone from it's normal 10 stone to just over 19, I cannot be more accurate than that since my bathroom scales only go to 19 stones so I wrote to the scales manufacturers complaining of their defective product and those buggers sent me a set of industrial weighing scales. The delivery of these scales by their large artic caused the paving on my driveway to crack and before I could complain to the concrete slab manufacturers, the weight of the truck broke through the water main underneath.
The water spout that ensued reached a height of some 70feet and with such force that it blasted into the lampost on the pavement. As the lampost crashed down through the artic's cab, it caused the driver to inadvertantly accelerate through next door's lounge window and out through his patio doors into his back garden. It was of course a shame that their gas fire was alight at the time and the resulting gas leak caused a build of of gas which exploded causing the roof of their house to blow off. As I am sure you will appreciate, what goes up must come down and as the roof tiles returned to earth the debris wrote off seventeen cars parked in the Jaguar dealer next door. Of course if that wsn't bad enough, when the police, fire and ambulance service arrived, their prime task was to try to save lives, but this was hampered by the looters who took their chance to empty the Jaguar dealers of any surviving stock. In doing so they crashed two cars through Barclays Bank across the street. As the joy riders fled they emptied the bank's tills and it appears stole some £245,000 in cash. fortunately they left the euros behind.
Of course whilst a normally sane man could claim that all the blame for this can't really be laid at your door, my legal advisors, Messrs Sue'em and Run, do feel that your continued presentation of boxes of biscuits to me, indirectly caused this mayhem. Specifically they state that there is no warning or disclaimer on your box of biscuits to the effect that eating your product could cause these effects.
Would you therefore please forward a claim form from your insurance company, who I assume is either Navigators or HKJ.
Assuring you of my continued custom for your biscuits.
From tcm to coliholic
Dear Coliholic
I am concerned at the carnage and destruction that followed the innocent delivery of yet another box of shortbread biscuits to your house.
I understand from the underwriters that the damage has been assessed at 2k for the lamppost, 20k for the truck, 200k for house repairs, 17 x 30k jags, plus 245k in cash. At first, our joint insurers Navigators and HKJ, could not believe the extent of the damage. However, upon hearing your name they shrieked, put the phone down and sent around cheques by taxi within a few hours for full amount of the claim totalling £977,000.
I was initially surprised to hear of your increased weight, especially since all of your letters protested that box after box of them was “inedible” and had been discarded. Closer examination of our sales statistics, however, reveal that a staggering 89% of our sales by volume over the past nine years are achieved from just a single UK supermarket, this being the one at the end of your street.
I am afraid that I subsequently learned from our mixing department that the secret ingredient , unique to the “ secret jungle recipe” of the top-selling “Leopard” brand of biscuits is in fact highly addictive and causes severe dehydrating. This will, I admit, have contributed towards your massive consumption of our biscuits, and your predilection towards chucking yourself in the marina at every opportunity.
However, as result of our revenue being revealed as evidently so dependent upon one customer (you), and the even more massive insurance claims that might possibly arise in the future from your similarly massive bulk, our bankers have withdrawn credit facilities.
We therefore found ourselves in the embarrassing position of being essentially bankrupt. It is with trepidation that I must tell you that the Board have abandoned their now near-worthless shares, fired all the staff, cashed the insurance cheque, and caught a flight to Brazil. All that remains are my own £2 of shares. To avod further legal action it seems reasonable to give you joint ownership of the factory, from whence I am writing, along with the stock of over 200 tons of shortbread and several dozen ageing machines and spare parts. Without a recipe, of course, we are unable to continue to make biscuits, or to use the name “Acme”, nor is there much point in calling ourselves a "biscuit company" since we have no staff.
It was in fact my house next door which was been blown to smithereens. I therfore find myself homeless and would therefore be happy to help in any way that I can. I eagerly await your instructions regarding the biscuits, and a new name and direction for the company.
From longjohnsilver
Dear Colic and Matts,
I read with complete horror of the position, or rather lack of it, that you both find yourself in, particularly as you both appear to be the innocent parties in this series of calamitous events.
I would hope soon to be in a position to offer not only solace but also more practical help by way of suitable accommdation for both of you in an extremely safe environment.
I am in negotiation to purchase and restore the once grand Taunton Safari Park, which until the recent unfortunate episode resulting in the closure of most of Somerset and Devon, was the largst wildlife park outside of Africa. Most of the big cats have now been recovered, the rhinos have now been tracked and darted, the monkeys have been removed from Westminster and the dodo's have been returned by Brussels.
Because of the most unfortunate disappearance without trace of the former big game keeper whilst feeding the tame leopard we now find that we have a vacancy (and a leopard) which needs filling. It was suggested that you Mr Matts would have the necessary experience to fill this particular vacancy. You will naturally be expected to share quarters with our tame spotted cat to help her overcome the sad loss of her former keeper. All we ask is that you wear nothing that would upset a big cats digestion system. This is a short term vacancy, but should your duties be carried out to our satisfaction then prospects for advancement may well present themselves. We anticipate that we will soon have a further vacancy for a hygiene assistant for our herd of incontinent elephants.
This still leaves Mr Colic somewhat out in the cold so I and my fellow directors, Mr and Mrs Chipperfield, have decided that we would take this opportunity to pension off Sam the juggling sealion, who has provided years of sterling service. We would therefore be very honoured if Mr Colic would accept the resultant vacancy in this very important department. We believe him to be of the required stature, having consumed most of the production of Acme biscuits, as well as being well aware of his very obvious predilection to spend as much time as possible in any water which he finds himself near. Suitable and specific training will be provided, but we request that you supply your own balls for juggling purposes.
As these positions are expected to be oversubscribed I shall appreciate a swift response,
Regards,
LJS, MD Pretty Polly Wildlife Park.
From coliholic to tcm
Look will you pack it up with these biscuits. Since receiving your letter another truckload has turned up and I've got nowhere to put them. Not now that the garage is full of crappy old broken down biscuit making machines and the Afghanistan family from next door have moved in since their home is still being rebuilt.
We did store the biscuits in or (roofless) shed but I hesitate to tell you that they got a bit damp and spoiled in case you send any more of those damn biscuits. I'm sick of them. I keep trying to walk to the shed with the intention of taking them to the council dump but that's proving impossible. Not least because my weight has now balloned to 23 and halfstone (the new scales work a treat) and I keep sinking into the sodden lawn, caused by all the water from the burst pipe, but also because the council tip is full of the debris as a result of your last "gift".
By the way you seem to doubt that I found your biscuits inedible purely because I ate them. I find your logic confusing. Without eating them, how would I know they were inedible? And just because Ii did eat them, it doesn't mean I enjoyed them. But please don't send any more.
Now that your company has ceased trading, I assume you will soon be unemployed. Whilst I am disappointed to hear this I trust you will let me know where your next job is so that we can keep in touch. I've gone right off biscuits but have developed a fondness for Balvennie whisky and believe that this brand needs your undoubted skills in marketing and promotion. Might I suggest that you get a job with them and once your feet are under the table, I can give you some valuable pointers as to how their product could be improved. But please don't send more than one case at a time.
The cheque from the insurance company was most useful although I do feel that for your joint insurers to address it to "that fat git at No 9", was perhaps a little cruel and uncaring and has caused me some stress. Indeed when I showed the envelope to Messrs Sue'em and Run they initially expressed shock and horror then, as the litigation possibilities dawned on them, their eyes slowly glazed over and and I can only describe their expression as somewehat akin to orgasmic. THey have beenm in touch with your insurers to seek compensation on my behalf for the distress caused and the initial feedback form the insurers was that they addressed it how you told them. Of course with your testimony we shall dispute this since we think there's more chance of getting lots of money out of them rather than just a share in your £2 and we trust that you'll be "on my side" to pull a flanker over them.
Oh and finally I'm thinking of buying a boat with the insurance cheque but can't seem to find an insurance company that will give me a quote. Can you recommend one?
Yours
