Help required (very boaty)

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tcm

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I note from my diary that next month heralds the honour of a visitation aboard our boat by an esteemed member of this boating fraternity. Obviously I can't possibly reveal his identity BUT i can say that he has little if any experience whatsoever on motorboats whereas he is vair experinced aboard a sailyboat.

Obviously, i want to ensure that his time on board and the surroundings will be as familar as possible, so I plan to perhaps remove the matresses and tip him out of bed at 3am with a shout of "Your Turn!". Any other suggestions?

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Get a long ali tube with something clanking against it all night, that should do it!

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He will feel very disoriented without some string. It might be worth investing in a few metres of 3 strand polyester, and the Boy's Own Book of Knots. This will keep him amused for hours and he will forget to complain about the his'n'hers heads and the distinct lack of anything white and floppy to tug and tweak. On second thoughts though...

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.writeforweb.com/twister1>Let's Twist Again</A>
 
Don't let him near the wheel - he'll not know what to do wth it - find him a long stick to play with and tie one end to the back of the boat. You can safely pilot the boat from inside while he sits outside under the impression that he's in charge. You could also take this opportunity to throw some water at him while he is "steering".

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Do not let her play with your engine. Sailor girls are not very technically minded. Just ensure that the Pimms is cold and there are plenty of magazines to read PBO and Country Life are very good. Are you sure ther'e enough room on a 23 foot boat for all of you?

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in order to make him feel at homeyou must do the following things

Remove all that plush carpet from the boat, or better still place some uneven plywood boards over the top of it.
Put four our five bricks under a board on the bulkhead side of his bed so he can sleep at an appropriate angle.

serve only warm beer, half cups of tea and pot noodles.

lock the door to the heads and provide with a bucket.

lay lots of string along the deck and whenever he 'trims' one, slow the boat down by about four knots

oh and obviously shout and swear at passing stinkies and point at their wake. hang on you do that anyway.

<hr width=100% size=1><font color=red>if guinness is good for you. i must be very very good</font color=red>
 
put all fule and water in tanks on one side of boat, move all loose items and tender and crew to same side of boat, flood bilges on same side of boat, hire a couple of fat bastards to hide in engine room on same side of boat, remove engine on other side, this should make the boat lean a bit over, then set off for somewhere a 100 miles away at 4.5 knots, best leave at 2 am.

<hr width=100% size=1>Sod the Healey - I think I'll buy an E-Type.
 
And don't forget to open all you cupboards and throw cans at him when you would be doing a tack. Also bring a big woden stick and when sailing downwind say "mind the boom" and hit him if he doesn't move fast enough.

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Make sure there's a pipe and some strong black shag.

Get rid of all stainless steel pans and pick up a battered and cracked enamel pot in which you should start making a stew/curry this afternoon. (Cauliflower should be one of the ingredients otherwise he'll be on about scurvy) Unplumb the sink and the bog and replace both with a single black bucket with a hemp lanyard spliced on.

Put false panel over navigation area to hide hi-tech gadgets and get length of string for laying courses and weight to convert to lead line.

Empty contents of first aid kit and replace with one packet fullers earth, stanley knife blade, catgut and oily rag.

Piss in your bilges

Aquire signal lantern and semaphore flags

should do nicely


<hr width=100% size=1>regards
Claymore
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mobos actually feel a bit less smoky than many sailing boats, cos mobos go fast enuf to leave most of the fumes behind. Also, nice underwater exhausts.

Nonetheless, there is some truth in what you say: oodles of carpet cleaning compnaies doing v well in the med marinas. This is cos all the mobos drive about with the patio doors open and after a few months of doing this their mad white carpets (trying to make it feel airy after having chosen dark wood interior) go a bit greyish esp with flybridge as eddy current whip round the back and indoors.


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AKA

Death by estate car syndrome

WARNING. Do not drive with rear door open. Can cause DEATH and other FATAL problems

Ah yes, but how else do you get a 12 foot ladder into a Citroen GS estate.

Drive with all the windows open.

Does the double glazing on mobos open up all round, and if it does, does the dried salt on the carpets look worse than the exhaust soot?

PS. Loved the single spoke steering wheel.



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Re: AKA

This is a dance done by New Zealanders before they try and play Rugby is it not.
Single spoke steering wheel - they had these on Citroens some time ago

<hr width=100% size=1>regards
Claymore
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Re: Excellent info

If he's used to going to windward in a force 7 then give him 30 knots in a force 2. The ride will be just about the same.

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You could go to and fro at right angles to where you want to go for a couple of hours particularly if the wind is getting up, it's going dark or near closing time or perhaps all three.

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