Govt investment in inland waterways

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Re: 1 April

I like Arthur's idea of one across the Atlantic but I hope the put in filling stations every 300 miles or so and charge Bahrain prices for the fuel.
 
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Could you please send details of the width of this canal. I'm buying a new boat and will it fit.

Also I suffer from vertigo could you tell me the max hieght of it and what safty aid would I require ie. Life jackets or parachutes

Thanks
 
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Plans were announced by the Government over the weekend for a new canal network to be built to link the South Coast, the North West and the North East. Based around a hub in Birmingham, the new canals will be built as an elevated aqueduct system thus bypassing most of the planning regulations, especially regarding environmental impact. Announcing the scheme, the Transport Minister said, “this new network will reinvigorate many of our socially deprived areas, especially the South Coast, and will bring much needed investment into the ailing boating industry”. He added, “we initially considered expanding the existing canal network, but that appears to be too expensive, especially with regard to all the locks and the many bends that the existing canals and rivers have in them”. The new aqueduct network, to be known as the Millennium Riverette, will be built in straight lines on raised pillars above the countryside going over towns and villages. To take into account the different contour heights across the country, rather than have locks it will just be built deeper in some places. It will be painted in colours to blend in with the countryside and should be no more obtrusive than electricity pylons. Wherever possible it will be built above the existing railway lines so there will be a ready supply of electricity, handy for boats to hook up to. “After all”, said one Government Minister, “if we can successfully build the Dome in London, we sure as hell can build something equally exciting for the regions”.

Plans show that a huge new marina will be built in Birmingham with “arrow- straight” rivers running north-east to Newcastle, northwest to Manchester and south to the Solent. A spokesman for MDL, the proposed operator for the Birmingham Millennium Marina, said that their plan is to bring affordable boating to the whole country. “What we have done on the South Coast, we now want to do to the rest of the UK”. He added,”our proposed base, next to the NEC and Birmingham Airport, will become the centre of the marine industry”. One of the riverettes will actually cross the main runway at Birmingham Airport, but an Environment Agency spokesman said they didn’t envisage too many clashes with aircraft. “We’ll just build it a bit shallower there and let the planes take off and land underneath. It’s not feasible to put the riverette in a tunnel; the ground water level in the Midlands is just too high”.

Announcing the scheme, the minister said they would liaise closely with the boating fraternity, and to ensure that they got what they wanted, would be appointing several of the more knowledgeable postees on these BB’s as consultants.

Bill Cooper said he was “delighted with this scheme, it’s just what I’ve been recommending in my books all these years. In fact I’ll probably write a new one now”. ACB pointed out that as long as the right people are in charge of the important issues, the project should go to plan”. NigeCh, was more guarded. “It’s my BB” he said, “and I’m not having any double-barrelled twerp telling me how to run it”. MattS pointed out that since he already runs a company called Lakeview Computing, he was in the best position to oversee the project and do the stock control. Communications along the network could be handled by Andy Wilson and he said he envisaged a revolutionary state-of- the-art system of pay-as-you-go ‘phones, in boxes all along the river so that people could keep in touch. “We could call them Chatterboxes,” he said “and could paint them a bright colour, red for instance, so people can see them easier”. In charge of the European issues, Marian (check the ISP) Martin puffed that as soon as she’d stopped smoking she would lobby Brussels for everything anyone wanted.

Not everyone was so enthusiastic though. Haydn, commenting on the north west section, was cautious in his reactions, “the route goes right through my allotment and will ruin my Begonias” he noted and Sue, of the DisOrganising Committee, voiced concern about the colour scheme of the aqueducts. “What’s going to happen”, she asked, “if they clash with my boat curtains”? Her deputy, Andrea, was more positive. “Investment in the marine infrastructure is the key”, she pointed out. “We can always buy new curtains, but it’s not everyday that we get a new boating area, or to try out new regional recipes”. Glasgow based Nick Robinson pointed out “this is typical of the English only looking after themselves whereas us poor Scots get bugger all as usual”.

Speaking from the Azores, Linnett Woods was more concerned about saving some old statues that no-one had ever heard of, “people should get off their arses and write and complain about something” she said, “rather than pratting around doing something useful”.

Dave Stewart was initially enthusiastic until it was pointed out to him that he couldn’t bring back duty free goods from Birmingham, “I’ve always considered them norvern monkeys as forreners, so why can’t we have DF’s like when we go to Frogland?” Arthur Woods and Marsha Cutting, speaking from the USA, wondered how long it would take for a link to be built across the Atlantic, and self confessed Francophile, Charles Reed, expressed doubt that a proposed extension through the Channel Tunnel would ever be built.

The final comment was left to Jake Kavanagh. “We at MBY have been asking our readers for their opinions for three or four weeks now and this is the first time we’ve heard what we want to hear, so we’re probably in favour as long as we get to drive some nice new fast boats”.

Responding to allegations that this was just an attempt to persuade wealthy middle class boaters to vote for Labour in the coming General Election, their spokesman retorted “that’s a load of bollix. It’s all about doing what’s best for the country and the fact that my wife’s company now owns vast tracts of land where the aqueducts will be built is purely coincidental”.
 
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1 April

1206 makes this the first. But does 'April Fool' run on GMT or BST? After all, it's still 31 March by GMT.
 
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Re: Oi! A F deadline 12 noon!

The punishment is a weekend with me, another with Haydn, and a long term berth on the Great Ouse.
 

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Re: oops!

just realisd the crap time notation hereabouts. Unfortunately, I don't have the power to undo the wicked spell. Sorry, Colin, but that's that.
 
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So the font of all knowledge is not perfick - He can\'t tell the time

When its dark outside and all good boys like you are tucked up in bed with your teddies, and the big hands on the twelve and the little hand's just gone past the 1, then it's six minutes past midnight and GAME ON for AF jokes (or not) as the case may be.
 
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Yeah, I heard that they are going to hold the whole damn thing up by using a new form of sky hook!

Barry
 
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