Friday smile

N

nordic_ranger

Well-Known Member
Joined
6 Oct 2002
Messages
1,701
Location
GREENOCK SCOTLAND
Visit site
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. the
view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional, "but" said
the Scotsman, "I still prefer back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little
bar called McTavish's where they go out of their way for the locals.. so
much so that when you buy 4 drinks, they give you the 5th one free."

"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahh, that's nothing." said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All this on the
house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well", said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you"?
"Not meself, personally. No," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me
sister".


<hr width=100% size=1>
 
Friday smile - Morning poem

poem.jpg


<hr width=100% size=1>Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get
 
I like this regular feature- nice idea. How about a "Monday Moan" for all the infringement of colregs over the weekend and any battles between raggies and Mobos? /forums/images/icons/wink.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Life's too short- do it now./forums/images/icons/wink.gif
 
Lessons for those who are not Essex born and bred ......

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item.

amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend").

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day").

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?").

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger.

dan in the maff- Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff").

eye-eels - Women's shoes.

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre.

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi,Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper").

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island.

Lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik").

oi oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs.

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport.

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig").

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday.

tan - The city of London, the big smoke.

webbats - Querying the location, something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on).



<hr width=100% size=1>
 
" assband " is what they use to get rid of troublesome piles- honest.

<hr width=100% size=1>Life's too short- do it now./forums/images/icons/wink.gif
 
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man. "Oh, Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."



<hr width=100% size=1>
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
JaneK
 
More language lessons

Oh dear me.... in the good ol' days it just took some English lessons to understand most of the island occupant. Now-a-days it's back to school for me, learning Welsh, Scottish, Essex, etc....... Underneath my last slang-exame... I think I might have passed it...
************************

GOING FOR A McShit
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mcshit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pi$$ in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO AR$E
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

STARFISH TROOPER OR AR$ETRONAUT
A homosexual.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.

UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"


<hr width=100% size=1>Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get
 
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say.



<hr width=100% size=1>
 
Re: More language lessons

They could always look it up online <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.viz.co.uk/profanisaurus/profanis.htm> here </A> anyway. One of the best books for a long night watch.

<hr width=100% size=1>
 
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were trying to get into the Olympic Games, but they had no tickets.

The Englishman spots a fence made of long metal spikes, one of them is loose, so he pulls it out, walks to the competitors entrance and says; "The name's John, England, Javelin". "Ok", says the guard, "in you go".

The Scotsman thinks this is a great idea, so he picks up a small round manhole cover, walks to the competitors entrance and says; "The name's Andrew, Scotland, Discus". "Ok", says the guard, "in you go".

The Irishman is delighted with the success of his two friends so he picks up a roll of barbed wire, walks to the competitors entrance and says; "The name's Mick, Ireland, Fencing"..............

<hr width=100% size=1>There are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.
 
Good one roared with laughter

Thanks Tony



<hr width=100% size=1>Why does a slight tax increase cost you £200 and a substantial tax cut saves you £0.30?
JaneK
 
Re: More language lessons

ahhh.... sorry! My humble excuses....

Thought that slang was only to confuse us foreigners....

<hr width=100% size=1>Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get
 
RE: Friday Smile

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.need-directions.co.uk/>http://www.need-directions.co.uk/</A>

(you need to listen to the sound - it's a short movie)

<hr width=100% size=1>
 
Re: Irish Sandwich Bar

Walking thro Plymouth with the 1st mate the other day we spotted a place called The Irish Sandwich Bar. "Whats special about Irish sandwiches" I asked the mate?
"Thick Bread" says she!

<hr width=100% size=1>
 
The dog (lesson!)

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says.... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT



<hr width=100% size=1>Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Share this page

Top