Friday jokes anyone?

[Sans Bateau]

Got this lot sent to me via email, just wanted to share them with you. You can just imagine THE Comic Genius telling them!! He will always remain a sad loss.


TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1.Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2.Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3.A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5.I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6.My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7.A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8.I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10.Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11.Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12.'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13.A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"
14.Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15.Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18.Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21."You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22.A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23.Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night




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[Goodge]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."



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[janeK]

[ ] url [/ ]

<hr width=100% size=1>If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

 

[janeK]

Sorry am trying to post a jpeg ok you guys how do I do it IN PLAIN ENGLISH please

<hr width=100% size=1>If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

 

[jimi]

{image] url of image [/image]

replace first { with a [

url will be sumfink like ww.apiccie.co.uk\afolder\piccie.jpg

savvie?

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[BlueSkyNick]

Management consultants

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."


"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."





<hr width=100% size=1>It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

 

[janeK]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started another one.

LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either .

Leroy was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed YOU KNOW WHO



<hr width=100% size=1>If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

 

[ubuysa]

A duck goes into a shop, waddles up to the counter and says; "Got any grapes?"

The shopkeeper politely replies; "Grapes? No, I don't have any grapes, but there is a supermarket just around the corner, they sell grapes there."

The duck says "Thank you very much" and waddles out of the shop.


The next day the same duck goes into the same shop, waddles up to the counter and says; "Got any grapes?"

The shopkeeper replies; "No, I told you yesterday that I don't have grapes. Try the supermarket round the corner."

The duck says "Thank you very much" and waddles out of the shop.


The next day the same duck goes into the same shop, waddles up to the counter and says; "Got any grapes?"

The shopkeeper angrily replies; "No, I don't have any flamin' grapes. Try the flamin' supermarket!"

The duck says "Thank you very much" and waddles out of the shop.


The next day the same duck goes into the same shop, waddles up to the counter and says; "Got any grapes?"

The shopkeeper loses it completely, he grabs the duck by the neck, pulls him over the counter and screams; "If you come into my shop asking for grapes again, I'll....I'll....I'll....nail your stupid webbed feet to the floor!"

Once he's back on the ground the duck silently waddles out of the shop.


The next day the same duck goes into the same shop, waddles up to the counter and says; "Got any nails?"

"Nails?" replies the shopkeeper, rather puzzled, "No. I don't have any nails."

"Got any grapes?" says the duck.

<hr width=100% size=1>There are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.

 

[Clive_Rigden]

Some thoughts for the day


1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

3. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

4. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

5. Money cant buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.

7. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

9. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

11. Rays Law: You can’t fall off the floor.

12. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.

13. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

14. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

15. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

16. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

17. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

18. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

19. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

20. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

21. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

22. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

23. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

26. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

27. Money cant buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

28. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

29. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


<hr width=100% size=1>Khyber

 

[Guest]

Installation of Wife 1.0

NEWSFLASH ………… WIFE 1.0 NOW RELEASED

Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog, leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He’s finding that some applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Beer Bash 2.5 and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected, even though they always worked fine previously. At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired plug-ins, such as Mother in Law 55.8 and Brother in Law Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in upcoming Wife 2.0

A ‘don’t remind me again’ button
Minimize button
An install feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of Cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0, by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here I had problems ….
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this has been a longstanding bug and I should have been aware of it.
Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think such a stupid bug would have been fixed by now!
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 does not work well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another annoying problem … All versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0, these cannot be disabled.

Bug warning :

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug …. If you try and install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all MS Money files before executing a self-uninstallation.
Then Mistress 1.0 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.

Bug-workaround :

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.0 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0
Also beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a Usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the Usenet.

Tip of the day !

Most women prefer men with large Ram and Cache availability.


<hr width=100% size=1>http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gps-navigator/
Posts personal opinions and maybe controversial

 

[Nickel]

Friday joke:

Clive Woodward

<hr width=100% size=1>Nickel

Being paranoid simply means - having all the facts.

 

[Colin_S]

108 reasons its better to b a bloke
1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
2. You know useful stuff about tanks and aeroplanes.
3. Queues for the bog are 80% shorter.
4. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go.
5. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
6. You never have to clean the toilet.
7. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
8. Chocolate is just another snack.
9. Flowers (or duct tape) fix everything.
10. You never have to worry about anyone else's feelings.
11. Same work - more pay.
12. If you don't call your friend when you say you will, he won't tell everyone that you've changed.
13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
14. You can drive a car.
15. Even in a crowded car park.
16. You don't need a second opinion to know if your arse looks big in what you're wearing.
17. You can buy the first thing you see without having to come back three hours later.
18. Match of the Day.
19. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. Old friends don't give you •••• if you've lost or gained weight.
22. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
23. When channel surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
24. Your arse and your chest are never factors in job interviews
25. All your orgasms are real.
26. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
27. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
28. People expect you to masturbate.
29. You can go the toilet without a support group.
30. Your last name stays put.
31. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
32. When your work is criticised, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
33. You can kill your own food.
34. The garage is yours, all yours.
35. Baywatch.
36. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
37. You can't get pregnant.
38. You can fart with impunity.
39. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
40. Sex means never having to worry about your reputation.
41. You can get to places on time.
42. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
43. Timetables and fax machines don't confuse you.
44. You understand why Jackass is funny.
45. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
46. You don't have to shave below your neck.
47. People aren't talking about you all the time.
48. If you're 34 and single, nobody gives a toss.
49. You can write your name in the snow.
50. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
51. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
52. You can get through a day off work without daytime television.
53. The offside rule is not a mystery to you.
54. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
55. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours (and 100% of your sleeping hours)
56. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
57. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
58. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
59. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
60. Foreplay is optional.
61. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
62. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk in the room.
63. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
64. You don't have to clean your flat if the meter reader is coming by.
65. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
66. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
67. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
68. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me".
69. The world is your urinal.
70. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
71. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
72. Hot wax never comes near your pubes.
73. One mood, all the time.
74. You can admire Tom Cruise without starving yourself to look like him.
75. You can remember the punch lines to jokes.
76. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
77. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
78. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
79. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
80. Wedding Dress: £1000; Morning suit hire: £50.
81. You can vomit without being accused of bulimia.
82. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries - at least in theory, and trying would be fun.
83. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
84. If you retain water, it's in a glass.
85. The remote is yours and yours alone.
86. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
87. You can sit in a pub on your own without sad baskets trying to cop off with you.
88. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
89. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
90. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
91. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
92. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" when you go for a dump.
93. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
94. You can rationalise any behaviour with the handy phrase, "fork it!"
95. If another bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become best mates.
96. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
97. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
98. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
99. You think the idea of putting a cat in a tumble drier is funny.
100. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
101. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
102. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
103. You can run without looking like a complete idiot
104. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
105. You can play football instead of going to a family bash - and not feel guilty.
106. Bleeding doesn't come with a mood change or a chocolate fetish.
107. Not bleeding isn't a problem.
108. Throwing / catching objects is possible

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[BrianJ]

No sex please ..we are BRITISH
pommie b

<hr width=100% size=1>BrianJ