Friday Humour

[BrendanS]

A man and a woman, who have never met before,
find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a
room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be
willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm
awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

<hr width=100% size=1>Me transmitte sursum, caledoni

 

[Roy]

An admiral's daughter introduced him to her matelot boyfriend and proclaimed their engagement. After initial horror had passed, the father tactfully explained to his one and only daughter that these below decks types can be somewhat perverted... adding that if he ever suggested that they should 'try it the other way tonight', then she should refuse absolutely. Some months later, her curiosity got the better of her and in the heat of passion she turned to him and said 'Darling. could we try it the other way tonight'....... to which he retorted.'What? and have the house overrun with bleedin' kids? Not likely!'

<hr width=100% size=1>Make your own happiness!

 

[White_Lady]

a wife ,after getting out of the shower,stands naked in front of a mirror.
She turns to her husband who is lay in bed and moans"my breasts are hanging down my waist,my face is baggy and lined,I have varicosed veined legs and my belly is enormous.Tell me something positive about myself"
"Your eyesights bl**din perfect!" he replies.

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[BarryH]

As mailed to me by a friend that is bored at work.......he's in IT, aren't they all?

A Seasonal Story

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
>attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
>was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
> >
> >John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
>only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
>"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
> >
> >Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
>back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John,
>in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
>freezer.
> >
> >For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
>suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
> >
> >Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
>freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
>said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
>I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
>intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
>behaviour."
> >
> >John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
> >
> >As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
>his behaviour, the bird continued,
> >
> >"May I ask what the turkey did?

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[Nick_H]

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

After one month, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a “ménage a trois”.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule whereby they alternate
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at
the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how
her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low
and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman whilst the other searches the island for sheep.

The Irish divided the island into North and South and immediately set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few jars of coconut whisky, but they’re happy because at least the English aren’t getting any.


<hr width=100% size=1>He who dies with the most toys, wins

 

[ROCKETSHIP_11]

A German guy approaches a prostitute.
>>
>> >"I vish to buy sex vit you".
>>
>> >"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 80 an hour".
>>
>> >"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
>>
>> >"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".
>>
>> >So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
>>bedsprings and a duck caller.
>>
>> >"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".
>>
>> >The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her
>>hands and knees.
>>
>> >"Now you vill get on your hans und knees"
>>
>> >She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
>>
>> >"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
>>
>> >She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
>>
>> >The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic
>>German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
>>
>> >The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it
>>is
>>several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:
>>
>> >"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
>>
>> >"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique".


<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[STOCK_INGTOPS]

See "THANKSGIVING" 18/11......I was bored too.

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[Roy]

Re: Friday Humour (Mens Rules OK)

Rules from a male point of view...

> We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
> down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear
us complaining about you leaving it down.
>
> 1. Sunday = boaty stuff!!. It's like the full moon. Let it be.
>
> 1. Crying is blackmail.
>
> 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not
> work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
>
> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
> 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
> we do. Sympathy and circulating discussion is what your girlfriends are for.
>
> 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
> 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
> all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> 1. If you won't dress like the Spice girls, don't expect us to
> act like soap opera guys.
>
> 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us any 'do my 'x' look big in this questions ?'
>
> 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
> makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
> Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
>
> 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> commercials.
>
> 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
>
> 1.ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings, and anti-foul coatings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
>
> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that and really feel good about it too..
>
> 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
>
> 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, you must expect an answer you don't want to hear.
>
> 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football, racism, monster trucks or boat things.
>
> 1. You have enough clothes.
>
> 1. You have too many shoes.
>
> 1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
>
> Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
> tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like boating.


<hr width=100% size=1>Make your own happiness!

 

[mirage]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"


<hr width=100% size=1>Regards

Nick Thompson

 

[BrendanS]

A bloke goes into the unemployment office in Potters Bar for a look through the job vacancies, which doesn't take him very long, of course. Then, just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots something. "Wanted”, it says “Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors, £500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses".

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so he makes a note of the reference number and fronts up at the counter.” I’d like to apply for this job” he says, quoting the number.

"Oh, that one,” says the clerk. “It’s a model agency right here in the city. They’re looking for a pubic hair snipper. You see, they supply girls who model underwear and swimwear, and before they go on the catwalk they report to you in the models dressing room, and you have to snip off any pubic hair that may show once they put their bikini on.

The job pays well, but there are drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, New York, Rome that sort of thing and you have to get used to living in top class hotels"

"I reckon I could learn to live with it,” says our man.” I’d really like to apply for the job”. The clerk shrugs and says,

"OK, here's an application form and a rail ticket to Stevenage."

“Stevenage?” exclaims our man.” What the bloody hell do I have to go to Stevenage for???"

"Well”, says the clerk, “that’s where the end of the queue is at the moment"

===================

I still prefer my nipple tweaking job!



<hr width=100% size=1>NesQuid agis, medice?

 

[DepSol]

A woman puts a mirror on the floor and starts examining her nether regions to see if they have got larger or not.

Her hiusband walks in during this time and before she can ask nim the question he rugby tackles her to the floor. She cries out ooooowwwwww you could have broken my arm doing that to which he replies well you would have broken your neck if you would have fallen down that hole love.

<hr width=100% size=1>Dom
watch this space