Friday Humour

[jimi]

Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.
"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..." says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui..."
Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th thth th th th th th th th thth..."
"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
Then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th ththth..."
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?"
"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.
"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out "...- D D D D D Derry!!"

<hr width=100% size=1>O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!

 

[lanason]

Nice one - but todays THURSDAY /forums/images/icons/crazy.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Adrian - <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/kelisha>More Pics of Kelisha</A> /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

 

[jimi]

/forums/images/icons/smile.gifIts an Irish joke/forums/images/icons/smile.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!

 

[BarryH]

Thats almost as bad as the jokes I know. For eaxample,

A car battery, a jumper cable and a bra walk into a pub. The bra asks the barman for 3 pints of beer.
The barman says “No way am I serving any alcohol to you three”.
“Why not?” asks the bra.
“Because you’re off your tits, and your friends look like they wanna start something!”

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[Dave_Snelson]

...and a good one at that!

<hr width=100% size=1>Madoc Yacht Club
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.madocyachtclub.co.uk>http://www.madocyachtclub.co.uk</A>

 

[sailbadthesinner]

Re: please please

stop i am crying
brilliant

<hr width=100% size=1><font color=red>if guinness is good for you. i must be very very good</font color=red>

 

[terryw]

Two dyslexic's were in a bar. One says to the other "Can you smell gas" The other replies "No, I can't even smell my own name"

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[jimi]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

<hr width=100% size=1>O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!

 

[Tiger Rag]

Heard the one about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?

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[jimi]

HOO, a modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests which included filling him full of laxatives. Unable to get out of bed and to the bathroom fast enough, he filled his bed sheets with a huge mess and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly imagine. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered the bed sheets, and threw them out of the hospital window. Forbsie was walking along the sidewalk past the hospital when the sheets suddenly landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As Forbsie stood swaying there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What in the world was that all about?" Still staring down, Forbsie slurred: "I just beat the crap out of a ghost"

<hr width=100% size=1>O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!

 

[Bejasus]

OI!!!!!!!!!!..............

It could just have been true though............/forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

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[Tiger Rag]

An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman were all competing on Mastermind, after the normal two rounds they are all tied on the same score. Magnus Magnussen announces that there will be a tie breaker, he will ask them all a question and the contestant with the best naswer wins, the question is "what is the fastest thing in the world". They all are given a few minutes to think about it before being call up one at a time.

The Englishman takes his place and says "it is simple the fastest thing in the world is light, you flick a switch and instantly there is light"

The Scotsman steps up and says "the fastest thing in the world is a blink, before you even realise you need to blink it is over"

The Welshman is next " the fastest thing in the world is a thought, even complex thoughts appear in your mind with amazing speed"

The Irishman is last up and confidently strides up to the podium, "the fastest thing in the world is without doubt Guinness, the other night I had eight pints in the pub before going back home to bed, a few hours later I felt a terrible rumbimg in my stomach and before I could think, blink or turn on the light I crapped in the bed"

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[Bejasus]

Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Paddy's got £500,000. Chris asks him the big question for 1 million.

"PADDY, FOR £1MILLION, WHO WAS THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBER... WAS IT...A, RONNIE BARKER...B, RONNIE O'SULLIVAN...C, RONNIE CORBETT...OR... WAS IT... D, RONNIE BIGGS"???

Paddy say's..."I'LL TAKE THE MONEY"

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's.."I'LLTAKE THE MONEY"

"YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL A FRIEND" say's Chris.

"NO I'LL TAKE THE MONEY"

"GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE, PADDY GOES AWAY WITH £500,000." say's Chris.

"BEFORE YOU GO, YOU'LL OBVIOUSLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER WAS"

Paddy said "NO, I KNOW IT ANYWAY"

"ARE YOU MAD" asks Chris, "ARE YOU MENTAL"?





Paddy says, "I MIGHT BE MENTAL....BUT I'M NOT A GRASS".


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[lanason]

Re: Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

<hr width=100% size=1>Adrian - <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/kelisha>More Pics of Kelisha</A> /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

 

[PhilF]

what about the dyslexic man who didnt believe in Dog

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[KevB]

Teacher says to her pupils "Hands up who can tell me a story which has a moral". Little Tommy's hand is straight up but the teacher ignores him and picks little Alice.

Alice says "I was walking home from school when I saw Mr Jones, my elderly next door neighbour, struggling to carry home his shopping. So I offered to help him carry it home". Alice continues... "The next day I was riding my bike when I got a puncture, Mr Jones fixed it for me. The moral of the story is - one good turn deserves another".

"Excellent" says the teacher, "Who else has a story".

Again little Tommy's hand is straight up and again the teacher ignores him.

"Annie, what's your story" says the teacher.

Annie says " I was walking home from school yesterday when I found a purse with £20 in it. I took the purse to the Police station and handed it in. That night a lady knocked on my door and said it was her purse that I had found, she said she was very grateful that I had handed it in and gave me £10 as a reward"
Annie continues... "And the moral of the story is - Honesty is the best policy".

"Excellent" Says the Teacher. "Anyone else" She asks.

Again Tommy's hand is Straight up. "OK Tommy" sighs the Teacher. "What's your Story".

Tommy says " Well Miss, My Grandad was in the war, trapped in the trenches with 12 of his fellow soldiers, surrounded by hundreds of Germans.
The Sergeant comes out and says to my Grandad and his mates. " I'm sorry to say we don't stand a chance and we are all going to die, but before we do I have been saving 14 bottles of whisky just in case something like this happens. So lets all drown our sorrows before we die".
Tommy continues...."With that the Sergeant hands out the bottles of whisky. My Grandad takes his bottle, unscrews the lid and downs the whole lot in one. He picks up his rifle puts on it's bayonet and jumps out the trench screaming and hollering whilst shooting and stabbing the Germans.
Within a minute or two all the Germans are dead, killed by my Grandad and he comes home a hero".

"Interesting story" says the Teacher, "but what is the moral of that"


"Don't fukc with my Grandad when he's had a drink" says Tommy....

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[MedDreamer]

Or .............the dyslexic pimp who opened a warehouse.........

Or.............. the gay cowboy who rode into town and shot up the sheriff.........

Or ...............the gay spy who kept a false bottom in his suitcase..........

Or ............the gay butcher who kept putting his meat up a few coppers..........(thats old money)

<hr width=100% size=1>Do you think a Fleming 55 would look out of place on Windermere?

 

[BrendanS]

What're Meta Fors?
-------------------------------
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31 pence-a-pint night. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.


<hr width=100% size=1>For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three

 

[Forbsie]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the
street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny
bike stopped beside him..

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a
$20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse,
not on top."


<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/forbsie?&page=1>My Project</A>

 

[PhilF]

Re: OI!!!!!!!!!!..............

or the queer cowboy who rode into town and shot up the sheriff

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