Friday at the bar

tome

tome

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Joined
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A Pacific cruise ship sinks, with only 3 survivors - David, Darren, and Daisy. They swim to a small island and live there doing what comes naturally for a couple of years. But Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren that she kills herself.

Sad for David and Darren, but they get over it and again nature takes its course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing, so...
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they bury her!

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Eminent Professor of Physics travelling to a meal, at which he is to be the guest speaker. His chauffeur starts giving him ear ache about the iniquities of life, such has why he should only be paid £15K a year for shouldering the responsibilities of transporting other people around on dangerous roads, whilst the Prof is trousering £80K plus additional lecture fees.

After about 40M of this the Prof can't stand any more and explains that it is all down to supply and demand, ie. almost anyone can drive a car, but not everybody possesses his own level of knowledge and ability to communicate with and, at the same time, entertain a room full of learned individuals. With this argument failing to satisfy the chauffeur the Prof demands that he stops the car and changes places. He will now drive the car and the chauffeur will give the oration.

After a smooth journey they arrive at the venue , the chauffeur takes his place at the top table and the Prof slinks off to the back of the room in eager anticipation.

The meal passes and the guest speaker is introduced, the chauffeur rises to his feet and gives a slightly generalized, but none the less witty and informative, talk on physics.

He finishes to rapturous applause from his audience.

The MC thanks the speaker for his efforts and asks that he might open the floor to questions. Again the chauffeur makes a good fist of it, satisfying all enquirers, until a rather clever looking young man stands and asks if the speaker would care to share his thoughts on the nature of the theoretical "God Particle".

Young man, says the chauffeur, your question is so naive and simplistic that I feel it hardly worthy of an answer, infact, so much so that I think I'll let my driver explain.

<hr width=100% size=1>Think I'll draw some little rabbits on my head, from a distance they might be mistaken for hairs.
 
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X-mas gift.... instead of the usual model boat.....

pikey.jpg


<hr width=100% size=1>Never attempt to teach a pig to sing.
It is a waste of time and it annoys the pig.
 
another bright man

The following is a question on a physics exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that he failed the student who immediately appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct.

The university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter ruled that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. It was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied: "First, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from this formula I have worked out for you on my test paper here."

Then the student added, "But, Sir, I wouldn't recommend it. Bad luck on the barometer."

"Another alternative", offered the student, "is this: If the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer,then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional geometry to work out the height of the skyscraper. On the paper is the formula for that as well."

"But, Sir, if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in a gravitational formula, which I have determined here this time on a long sheet of paper with a very long and complicated calculation."

"Or, Sir, here's another way, and not a bad one at all. If the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"But if you merely wanted to be very boring and very orthodox about the answer you seem to seek, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof, and on the ground, and then convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane ever to win the Nobel Prize in physics.


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New form of transport

THE BEER SCOOTER

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try,
you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your
house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to
the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large
batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following
fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone.

Bacchus - or one of his many sub-contractors - detects this pheromone
and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom
via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large
portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This
answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much
money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking
Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers
a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, which automatically removes, in
descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one
person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often
lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
Scooter's navigation system to malfunction, thus sending the passenger
to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a
scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza
crusts. Another question answered!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden, and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 B&H in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.


<hr width=100% size=1>Never attempt to teach a pig to sing.
It is a waste of time and it annoys the pig.
 
Re: New form of transport

We've got a similar device, called a beer tender, I can rarely remember blowing it up and it has been known to have gone by morning (we didn't tie it on too well you see, it was recovered during the night by a friendly water taxi man).

<hr width=100% size=1>Think I'll draw some little rabbits on my head, from a distance they might be mistaken for hairs.
 
Re: New form of transport

Have you tried "cider oars"? They get you back in an indeterminate line after a night out, and you're always amazed to see them in the bottom of the din-ghee the next morning (or afternoon...). Used them from Fisherman's Quay to the pontoon in Bembridge many times. I'm sure that the beer tender must be fitted with wheels that I haven't noticed as well...
I suppose that also brings to mind "Rum snuffers" that magically put the oil lights out for you after a post-pub nightcap, without setting fire to the curtains.

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A young family moved into a house next door to an empty building plot.

One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay packet containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the
house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said,

"I think so.

Provided those tw-ts at Jewson deliver the f.....g bricks. "


<hr width=100% size=1>Cheers Nigel http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gps-navigator/ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/searider/
 
Try this!

I have the print copy but apparently you can search the <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.viz.co.uk> profanisaurus</A> on line. Brilliant.

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