Entering the twilight zone...

[zefender]

Some of you may remember my partially successful attempt at converting ‘well stinky' Ianainge (from another place) to the pleasures of sailing with the wind.

I have recently received a very generous offer from TCM for a return trip to see stinkiedom in the raw. I would like to reassure fellow raggies that I am naturally obliged to accept this offer in the interests of research only and I will report back on my experiences.

The boat concerned appears to be a trifling little number measuring some 23 miles long (or perhaps that’s metres), with the kind of fittings that appear to be far too comfortable to be seamanlike. It’s also most inconvenient, being based in somewhere in the Solent I’ve not been to, called Antibes.

I am however worried and seek urgent assistance from fellow forumites, in particular of the sailery persuasion since only they are likely to fully appreciate my dilemma.

Q1 What do I wear? Will old Breton cap and antifoul-stained Puma track suit bottoms be OK (for going out)?
Q1a What should SWMBO wear?
Q2 Should I ask for detailed passage plans and turn the radio on full blast at 0535 (ut) every morning?
Q2a Do tides/current matter? (discuss, in Med context)
Q3 What terms or phrases should I use to ingratiate myself?
Q4 Any terms or phrases I should avoid?
Q5 Should I offer to pay half the fuel and should I bring a jerry can with me for the purpose?
Q6 Is TCM an axe murderer? Specific info from plod welcome
Q7 How high do I have to make the wake to capsize a, say 35 footer?
Q7a Am I to be given temporary raggie dispensation if I do this, again in the interests of my research?
Q8 Will Pot Noodles be available in case of bad weather?
Q9 Will I need to sleep on the floor to remind myself I’m on a boat if its all too comfy?
Q10 Given what he's written in the past, would he be offended if I just suggested he puts a mast on top of the boat and stops moaning about the 'camping sauvage' levels of comfort on sailboats?
Q11 For such a big boat, the outboard is likely to be quite heavy. Do you think he'll have davits to lower it before we set off or will I have to?

Any other suggestions and tips most welcome.


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[sailbadthesinner]

Q1 What do I wear? Will old Breton cap and antifoul-stained Puma track suit bottoms be OK (for going out)?
normaol clothes. tcm dresses quite normally. despite owning a boat that is able to leave the morrocco coast at 40 knots under cover of darkness, he prefers to dress normally so as not to arouse suspicion.

Q1a What should SWMBO wear?
See above, i think there is a rule no shoes inside. this is in case someone's high heel penetrates the thin carpet and one of the plastic bags of cocaine stored underneath that, probably

Q2 Should I ask for detailed passage plans and turn the radio on full blast at 0535 (ut) every morning?
I think he uses a good restaraunt guide and a map on the back of an Avis car hire booking form. best not confuse him

Q2a Do tides/current matter? (discuss, in Med context) err no.

Q3 What terms or phrases should I use to ingratiate myself?
let me get the fuel

Q4 Any terms or phrases I should avoid?
Don't you hate these ba@@tards that buy lovely family honmes then knock em down to build a new big pad?

Q5 Should I offer to pay half the fuel and should I bring a jerry can with me for the purpose?
No offer to pay for all the fuel

Q6 Is TCM an axe murderer? Specific info from plod welcome
I doubt it with a boat like that he probably has a shooter or some 'very 'aandy frends'

Q7 How high do I have to make the wake to capsize a, say 35 footer?
best not capsize them much more fun just to circle them holding you hand to your ear asking them to speak up as they scream at you

Q7a Am I to be given temporary raggie dispensation if I do this, again in the interests of my research?
No
you are excommunicated and your boat taken apart and disytributed to the forum

Q8 Will Pot Noodles be available in case of bad weather?
very probably

Q9 Will I need to sleep on the floor to remind myself I’m on a boat if its all too comfy?
No best sleep on the quay

Q10 Given what he's written in the past, would he be offended if I just suggested he puts a mast on top of the boat and stops moaning about the 'camping sauvage' levels of comfort on sailboats?
He wouldgo for a mast if he could get an extra knot out of it
he suggested putting the engine on on Jimis boat and so he could get us surfiung above the 12 knots SOG we were already doing.

Q11 For such a big boat, the outboard is likely to be quite heavy. Do you think he'll have davits to lower it before we set off or will I have to?
I would take a little plastimo to tow and some oars , just in case

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[Peppermint]

Re: Following extensive research

on the Cote du Azur you will need....

A microscopic pair of swimming trunks or a thong. As will SWMBO. Daytime wear.

White slacks, white shirt, gold chain and highly polished Seabago's for the evening.

The best way to ingratiate yourself is to supply lots of champagne for the owner and a four figure tip for the crew. Pounds not dollars.

Remember it's good form to make proper provision for your man while aboard.

From observation I'd say that you will need to tread a fine line with SWMBO in regard to the three bikini clad lovelies per male guest that is standard equipment on this type of vessel.

Don't offer to pay for the fuel as this can give offence. Mainly to your bank manager.

Don't worry about the outboard either, it'll be permenantly attached to a Riva type tender in a garage on the back or you'll use the helicopter for runs ashore.

You will constantly need to reassure your owner that he or his boat are adequate. As much larger boats with spiffy crews will keep turning up. This holds good no matter how large his vessel.

Common hazards in this area include...

Sunburn. Parts that you don't normally expose need special attention.
Burns. From sun heated leather pose a real threat.
Slips. On spilt suncream
Insolvancy. Stay out of the Casino's
Divorce. You need very dark sunglasses and a strong will to avoid this one

You now hold this boards "Missionary Position" good luck with your stinky conversions.
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[ecudc]

Re: Following extensive research

Buy SWIMBO a gold lame bikini and yourself a leopard print posing pouch. SWIMBO must pack enough for at least 5 changes of clothes a day, all of which Posh would be proud to wear.

Before you go don't forget to apply layers of fake tan.... buckets of the stuff....preferably without that slight Dale Winton orange tint.

If you don't already have a sufficiently hairy chest for your gold medallion to nestle in either

(1) Consider implants or chest toupee
(2) Only if you are reasonably fit and brave get SWIMBO to take you to her waxing salon and have it all stripped off, then do 500 sits ups a day until you go.

Remember your most important accessory are your sunglasses. Only designer will do and above all do not wear those things that stop them slipping into the sea because then people will think you are too poor to buy another set.


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[Twister_Ken]

My dear, Breton caps are so last-year. I'd suggest a Boy George Melly type fedora. In Fuschia.

Don't take SWMBO. Coals to Newcastle, say no more.

Ingratiating phrase. "La Colombe d'Or this evening. My treat."

Fuel. Just assume it has a sufficiency.

TCM has never murdered an axe in his life. The English language, yes, but an axe, no.

Far more fun than capsizing a 35 footer. Come up on them from astern in stealth mode. When 10 feet from their transom, wheel hard over and hit the loud pedal.

Dispensation - only if you bring back & post incriminating photos.

Pot Noodles not available outside of UK. Expect emergency rations to consist of foie gras and marrons glacés.

One does not sleep, one repairs to the casino/nightclub/bordello (delete as appropriate).

There is no need for a mast. In the Med, there is never enough wind, unless there is too much.

Outboard? My dear, the Lepaord is equipped with inboard engines of the kind normally found in HM frigates. For that reason you might wish to read up on refuelling at sea.

Above all, stiff upper lip, and if you have a CD with Rule Brittania take it along. Nothing those foreign Johnnies like more than a bit of swank. Play it over the PA system as you lower the ensign at sunset.

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[zefender]

Re: Following extensive research

Thanks all for very useful tips and guidance. I have a busy day ahead of me in preparation. For sartarial elegance I have already sourced a local Mr Byrite in the hope of scooping up a few bargain Man City tops (the one's with the no-longer-trading-Amlet sponsors name) and a couple of T-shirts. SWMBO has agreed to write 'Luey Vweeton' in felt tip in her best handwriting on our army surplus rucksacks. She also plans to fashion a thong out of garden binbags, cunningly spay-painted in gold. A couple of terracotta pots, neatly positioned, should enable her to go proudly tanned and topless, whilst retaining her natural sense of modesty. That should do the trick I suspect. I feel sure we will look the part, even if maybe a little formally attired. I'm not at all sure about the principle of dressing up for a stinkie since it implies a worrying position for raggies in the food chain. But I'd hate to make a gaffe etikett-wise

Thanks too for the tip about the casinos. Are they likely to play rummy or something familiar and is it OK (culturally) to goose the babes running around offering drinks? Can I ask for pork scratchings or is that likely to be misunderstood - and whats the translation in french - éraflures du porc/porc croustillant perchance?

Have waxed my head in anticipation (some years ago now) which should also set off my manly bodily carpet. I might be mistaken for that chap Philip Green who runs some clothes shops who also boats thereabout I think. Have removed sky dish temporarily as stand-in medallion.

Photographic evidence will certainly be required to plead not guilty (by virtue of insanity or otherwise) and I shall place myself at the mercy of honourable forumites on my return.

So many questions, so much to do......









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