Encouragement needed

I can relate to lots of individual bits of other posts-my wife has never wanted to learn to read charts and learn navigation, the finer points of setting sails, CollRegs etc and after 25 years she is not going to change but she will take the helm to anchor or for picking up moorings. After 10 years on a heavy old twin keel boat with minimal home comforts that we had done about 10000 Nm on her interest started to wane. We bought a catamaran which was much more comfortable for living on and sailing flat is much less tiring than a monohull and this gave our sailing life a boost. She now has Arthritis and I do not think she would be able to sail on a monohull at all now but hopefully several years more on the cat.

It is not the answer to all problems afloat but a catamaran size for size is so much more comfortable to live on than a monohull and far less tiring to sail on that I am amazed that proponents of cats (and I do appreciate they are not for everyone) do not get across how much less tiring it is sailing flat. I think this is particularly important for the less enthusiastic members of the family.

I think most sailors who have negative views of multihulls have never actually tried one. A catamaran is certainly a way of extending your family sailing that is worth thinking about!
 
30boat said:
Perhaps I've given you the wrong idea.It appears I came accross as a stubborn selfish guy who imposes the boat on his wife and complains if he doesn't get it.Far from it.We used to go sailing regularly not for 23 but for about 8 years (until our son came along)and she was the one to initiate it most of the times.She loved staying on the boat for days on end and even going on longer cruises.She even came with us when we brought back a racer from Manilla to Hong Kong and didn't complain once so she knows what it is all about.
I haven't regularly used the boat on weekends for many years.The boat just sits there unloved for months on end.I'd say that this year she's been there maybe four times in all plus a week in Summer.Exactly because I'm not behaving selfishly I don't escape to the boat at every opportunity but stay home instead with her and our son.Being an artist ,when Im home I'm working so that's ok.
What worries me is that she went from being a person who actively wanted to do things with the boat to somebody who prefers to stay indoors.To me that's a waste of resources that are scarce to say the least but I don't even dare suggesting we go down to the boat and have done so for years.
When I say I feel lonely onboard it's because I miss having her with me sharing the experience as she used to.My temper arises from frustration not anything else.I'm giving in to her change of heart so from now on I'll be using the boat,reluctantly,on my own and she will probably meet me in harbour.That'll be a good enough compromise for me.
I don't believe that giving up on the boat and sailing altogether for the sake of the family is the way to go,it would then be exceedingly selfish of her to impose that on me.There must be room in a relationship for individual pursuits, we're not joined at the hip after all.There are plenty of things we do together after all.Sailing was the casualty unfortunately.
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I don't think you come across as all that much of an ogre! I can identify with a lot of your situation to be honest - same thing with me really. She loved sailing, kids came along, she went off it. C'est la vie! I think you'll probably just have to "get your kicks" in other ways. We are fortunate in our location, and one of the things we tried was moving the boat to Windermere for a couple of seasons. I reckoned that in flat water with no tides, and the impossibility of a long passage, she might feel happier about bringing the kids. Didn't work out though - and once there are very young kids in the equation, things just change anyway. Apart from that, we couldn't really afford it!

In the end, with the boat in the garden for a long-term refit (and at least it's not costing us anything while it's here!) I splashed out a couple of hundred £ on a (pretty tired) Heron dinghy. That costs very little in upkeep and if we get a nice day I take the lads (now 7 and 9) out in it on Derwentwater. It's not what I'd have chosen, but it gets me out on the water and they enjoy it. I've almost grown to like it over time!

Looking ahead, when (if!) I ever get this refit finished, we will have to think what to do with Avocet. She's a bit of an enigma, to be honest. Not big enough for a family of 5, yet too big to trailer anywhere. We might try putting her on Ullswater for a bit (cheaper and less crowded than Windermere), but probably the sensible thing to do would be to sell-up and get a smaller boat that we could trail. Having the extra mouths to feed, (and with the austerity starting to kick-in), we can't really justify the cost of a marina berth for so little pleasure each year.

The way I see it, we had some great times and it was fun while it lasted. If it comes back again - great. If not, well, there are always other ways of getting afloat!
 
A bit of give and take

I wouldnt presume to offer advice on your situation but, a few years ago, when my wifes interest in sailing started to wane after yet another wet weekend in Poole we both came to the decision that we were not ruffy,tuffy sailors and that we were not ashamed to admit that we both prefered a gentle (warm) breeze and the sun on our backs.

We moved the boat to Greece and it has improved (our) enjoyment of the boat 10 fold. Just bought a bigger boat and looking fwd to having the grandkids out on it next May.

Incidentally, my wife has always wanted to participate in the hobbies and pastimes that I chose.

First Caving, then scuba diving, Ski-ing, Water-sking then powerboating and laterly sailing/cruising. (BTW when the kids arrived, they came too)

She has never expressed a desire to get involved in a sport of her own until last year ....
So next year we are off to Nepal to trek to Everest base camp!

Good luck - Merry Christmas
Steve
 
Oh dear. You have my sympathy - I am very lucky as SWMBO was a very reluctant sailor but ultimately did various RYA courses and we are now liveaboards. It was a bit softly, softly to get her involved and I do have to think about how I maintain a conducive environment for her in terms of weather and locations.

Not wanting to offer some cod-psychology and since I do not know either of you I will be a bit circumspect, but here's my two-pennorth: stop dwelling on what was and trying to fathom a change in attitude and just accept her current outlook i.e. not that interested and not much liking what you are doing. Start from there with a plan as to how you will get her interested - you have to woo her back, not lay on guilt or make her feel sorry for you. You need to find places to go and things to do (bring along some friends) so that she eases back into it. Don't expect her to do anything about the boat - imagine you are sailing single-handed and do what is necessary yourself. You will take the pressure off her, you will not be short-tempered with her because she doesn't live up to your expectations and in due course she may begin to suggest she does something to help. Sounds like you need to romance her back to the boat rather than express your frustration. Good luck - when was the last time your brought her a bunch of flowers?
 
Take your child(ren) instead!

Just a suggestion, but your son, at 14, is old enough now to come sailing in his own right; to learn to sail, to navigate, to stand his watches and to express an opinion on the proposed cruise. So take him with you on some adventures! Tell him he can bring a friend as well if he likes.

Not all adventures have to be 100% sailing: exploring up uncharted creeks, fishing, kayaking, snorkeling, diving, hill walking or climbing using the boat as a base are all good... Come to think about it, even maintenance such as fixing things, reeving new halyards, servicing the engine etc, even updating charts, are all new and interesting to a teenager.

An ideal opportunity for enhancing father-son relationship, and for giving your wife some space of her own. And in fact a very modest cruise recovers much of the fun it once had if you are teaching and/or let a youngster do most of it by him or herself.
 
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All good advice thank you.I'll try and do the type of boating(not sailing) she enjoys which is basically just being on the boat and going ashore to a restaurant from time to time.I also enjoy that bit so no problems there.I'll do my sailing in such a way that it doesn't interfere with other activities we may do together as a family and will try and interest my son in the boat.He is a bit of a mamma's boy and she is very possessive towards him though.Actually I'm pretty much convinced that that's the cause of her lack of interest in the boat.Before he was born she was perfectly happy to be with me and share my interest in sailing but once she saw herself with a child my role in the family changed dramatically.
I accept that and will have to work my way around it.
 
easy solution

Identify what actually matters

then

sell the boat buy a camper van there's more to life than sailing especially when relationships are under threat.
 
Marsupial said:
easy solution

Identify what actually matters

then

sell the boat buy a camper van there's more to life than sailing especially when relationships are under threat.
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Excatly what my long winded reply meant to say. Sell the boat, buy a trailor sailer and tow it with the camper van. Everyone happy!
 
PhillM said:
Excatly what my long winded reply meant to say. Sell the boat, buy a trailor sailer and tow it with the camper van. Everyone happy!
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PhillM,

I presume in this case by 'trailer sailer' you mean a dinghy ?

Something like the relatively big ( 16' ish ? ) stable semi-cruising job made by laser - I can never remember the name / class of the things ! - might suit both participants, maybe a bit of 'Swallows and Amazons' inshore stuff in good weather, pull the boat up on the beach and stroll off for a meal, might be an idea; but it is still capable of frightening non-sailing people so would have to be handled carefully...
 
30boat said:
...once she saw herself with a child my role in the family changed dramatically.
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Yes, its an oft-experienced problem. But you're lucky: in my case my wife's true madness emerged as she radically overstepped the boundaries and started infantilising me, her husband, whilst still (he's now seven! :mad:) sleeping with the child and elevating him to the status of Mr.

Not that I'm suggesting that this is an appropriate solution for you and your family, but in the end (a debilitating three year process resisted by her with utter venom and even more destructiveness than she had perpetrated during the marriage) I finally managed to divorce her.

And I kept the boat!!! :D:D:D:

They're all mad - and I'd counsel you to safeguard your own happiness - within the marriage if you can.
 
Marsupial said:
... sell the boat buy a camper van there's more to life than sailing especially when relationships are under threat.
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Maybe there's something to be said for this even in the absence of relationship problems. A boat can only take you to places on the coast whereas a camper van can take you to places both on the coast and inland. I have a cruising yacht and a small camper van: a Mazda Bongo. To be honest, in the last few "Summers" I've travelled further, seen more, and had more enjoyment for less hassle in the campervan than the boat. This forum might not be the best place to admit this but - tell the truth & shame the devil.
 
Selling the boat is an option that makes no sense to me .That would mean abdicating of something that's part of my nature and that I've been doing for 53 years.If I did that I would resent my wife for it and furthermore I know she wouldn't want me to(sell).Call me selfish if you want but it won't be fair because there's room in both our lives for different pursuits.I positively hate campers anyway and so does she for that matter.My marriage is not in danger because of my sailing,I'm not a single minded fanatic who spends his every free moment on the boat.I do plenty of other things as well,like art(my livelihood)classical piano,motorcycling and most of all,spending time with my family.
What I originally asked for was ideas as to how it might be possible to go sailing and enjoy it while doing it solo.That boat is not a toy to me it's a way of connecting with nature and the beauty of sailing.Until I'm forced for financial or health reasons to sell I intend to hang on to it.
 
It's a familiar story, nothing personal and nothing to be aggrieved about. Many of the older chaps I know now sale single handed. For those guys I think it is largely the blokes hobby, it's HIS boat to play with, it's easy for him to be motivated and in charge. Put yourself in her position and remember being a leader is always easier than being a follower when it comes to personal motivation!

Don't take her choice now not to come along personally, It sounds as though you just need to learn how to be alone in your sailing pursuits but not lonely. It reads as though you won't enjoy the pleasures of sailing unless your wife is their.

If you are able to sail single handed then learn how to enjoy a glass of wine with a nice meal and the sunset on your own. She doesn't need to be there for you to enjoy the moment and she will be happy in what ever she has chosen to do instead.
 
Zagato said:
It's a familiar story, nothing personal and nothing to be aggrieved about. Many of the older chaps I know now sale single handed. For those guys I think it is largely the blokes hobby, it's HIS boat to play with, it's easy for him to be motivated and in charge. Put yourself in her position and remember being a leader is always easier than being a follower when it comes to personal motivation!

Don't take her choice now not to come along personally, It sounds as though you just need to learn how to be alone in your sailing pursuits but not lonely. It reads as though you won't enjoy the pleasures of sailing unless your wife is their.

If you are able to sail single handed then learn how to enjoy a glass of wine with a nice meal and the sunset on your own. She doesn't need to be there for you to enjoy the moment and she will be happy in what ever she has chosen to do instead.
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I'm slowly learning how to enjoy the boat by myself now.My wife has been drifting away from the boat for a while but this Summer was decisive so I won't be insisting she comes anymore.I reluctantly respect her right to change although I see it as giving in (prematurely) to age.We are both very different in attitude myself being much more physically active so it may me unfair to expect that she keeps up.I know that with the right number of beers and the right music on the stereo I can enjoy the boat quite a bit but it'll take a while to let go of the memories of the good times we've had aboard.If I could I'd buy another boat but that's out of the question so I'll just cope with it and with time,hopefuly not a lot,I'll enjoy being there on my own.
 
30boat said:
Selling the boat is an option that makes no sense to me .That would mean abdicating of something that's part of my nature and that I've been doing for 53 years.If I did that I would resent my wife for it and furthermore I know she wouldn't want me to(sell).Call me selfish if you want but it won't be fair because there's room in both our lives for different pursuits.I positively hate campers anyway and so does she for that matter.My marriage is not in danger because of my sailing,I'm not a single minded fanatic who spends his every free moment on the boat.I do plenty of other things as well,like art(my livelihood)classical piano,motorcycling and most of all,spending time with my family.
What I originally asked for was ideas as to how it might be possible to go sailing and enjoy it while doing it solo.That boat is not a toy to me it's a way of connecting with nature and the beauty of sailing.Until I'm forced for financial or health reasons to sell I intend to hang on to it.
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I would feel the same, and after a brief disastrous marriage years ago the boat is still with me as my unflappable friend.

I can handle the boat solo easily, but it's not the same without someone along to share the enjoyment, when she's wound up and going well I like to turn and grin to someone...

If you're a member of a club there may well be someone keen to come sailing, maybe a novice; I have always instructed in dinghies and cruisers, and even if not doing it formally it can be a real thrill setting people off on the never-ending path of sailing, and they usually make good company.

It wasn't part of any plan, but my best chum now is someone I met while chatting about lost loved ones in ' The lounge' !

Now all I have to do is meet Miss Right there, any chance of a nymphomaniac young Brit Ekland lookalike who owns the pub next to her boatyard ? :)
 
I've been following this thread with interest, and some consternation, and trying to think of something helpful to say.

'The main thing a female wants to do in life is bear offspring,' indeed. I never wanted to, never did, don't suppose I ever will now, and don't regret it.

I'm not clear about why the OP going sailing without his wife is such an issue, unless he doesn't want to be apart from her that much. As she can't be forced to like sailing then the advice to find another more mutual interest is probably right.

But I have met some SWMBOs who insisted on going sailing despite hating it because they were convinced that the old man would come a cropper or run off with a lady sailor if they didn't keep their eye on him every minute.

It's no fun having a miserable resentful passenger like that, and probably much better to be out on your own.
 
Ah well,

Women marry men because they think they can change them - they dont.

Men marry women because they think they won't change - they do.




I think that there is nothing wrong with your relationship. Mrs 30Boat has just had enough of pretending.

Tell her that you really fancy the challenge of more singlehanded stuff and would she mind meeting you further up the coast at........wherever.

If this is the only issue in your life with her, you are indeed a lucky couple.

BTW, singlehanding is great.
 
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