Encouragement needed

[30boat]

Swmbo and I have used the boat together for at least 23 years now.I've been going sailing since I was about three and it's an important part of my life.When we met I introduced sailing to her and for years we had a wonderful time.The problem has been that she never showed any interest in learning the ropes despite my trying.We used to be at the boat at every available free time and I have very fond memories of those days.I admit to not being very pacient and have been known to snap at her when she forgot something I had just explained but on the whole we enjoyed our time afloat immensely.Her interest in the boat started to wane after the birth of our (now 14 ) son.At the time I completely understood and never complained and adjusted my sailing accordingly.Unfortunately it was all downhill from there.Last season was a disaster with her complaining that a short 25nm hop in flat waters was too much to bear and then abandoning ship on arrival to take a train home.She had eaten something that hadn't gone down well and was a bit under the weather but I offered to stay at a marina until she recovered.I was also furious because she had been complaining of everything all morning so that may not have helped.
Today I asked her if I'm to start using the boat on my own and reminded her of how wonderful it can be if both of us commit to having a good time but I got the distinct feeling that I'll be sailing solo from now own.I will if I have to but it's not a prospect I relish to be honest.I have a family and don't really believe in leading separate lives.
So what do I do?Start drinking?Get a mistress?I really would like to be able to enjoy to boat on my own but I'm afraid I may not.

 

[Seajet]

This is a depressingly familiar pattern !

For a start 25nm is not a short hop for anyone, least of all if not keen.

Does your wife know how to control the boat, radio and engine and navigate home safely, say if you went overboard ?

It can be a real turn off to people if they feel helpless, or that they might be.

How about introducing sailing in company, if possible ?

 

[William_H]

solo sailing

Yes first off you need to be able to do your sailing alone or with other friends. There is no point in obliging your wife to join you when she does not want to. She might even feel later that she is missing out on something. Most of my sailing acquaintances leave their wives home.
There are exceptions however. One couple have a keel boat each and race them. Another couple well into their 70s always have SWMBO along as well as son and his wife when racing. Indeed so keen that they have recently bought a bigger racing boat.
Don't worry it is not the end of sailing for you just needs a readjustment. You need to respect her non love of sailing. Or as I love top say " not everyone is crazy enough to be a sailor" good luck olewill

 

[Avocet]

Oh dear! I can offer no helpful advice, I'm afraid, but I can offer a shoulder to cry on! Very similar thing here really. Wife and I got married, I took her out in my old GP14 on a calm day, she liked it, we bought our first Leisure 17 together, then another two boats after that. Cruised the North West coast from Anglesey to the Solway together. In fact, SHE was the adventurous one wanting to go to the Isle of Man and even Ireland. I was the "estuarine potterer". And then, almost overnight after the birth of our second child, she just lost interest. We hardly used it at all for the next few years and when our third was born, she never went near it again. He's 7 now and it's been in the garden for the last 5 years!

 

[[70521]]

Nothing wrong in sailing solo. Gives you the opportunity to drink and getting a mistress as long as she is a keen sailor

Will we be seeing your entry in the next Vendee Globe?

Have either of you considered sending her on a course, another opportunity for wine, women and song, so that you are not teaching her the ropes. Tuition from a hubby/wife is never easy.

 

[Rum_Pirate]

Yacht = Garden shed.

 

[stranded]

A tricky one

to come in on as a respondent for the first time rather than just full of questions, but as I've nothiong useful to say on the sailing front, I just have to take my chances. I imagine that for most people, after 23 years of sailing together nothing seems quite as exciting as it did ( I speak as a very happily married man of 23 years give or take, so 23 years resonates!). A 25 mile sailing trip perhaps less than some alternatives. I think seajet is absolutely right, the answer might be to make it less about the journey, more an aperitif before the main course at the destination. Find someone to sail with who she will really look forward to meeting up with in the bar/restaurant/under the stars later and the journey which for you may well be the main event will for her be at least a more tolerable nuisance. We are all susceptible to a bit of conditioning - if the pay-off is interesting enough, the leg-work is much more bearable. If that sounds a bit cynical, it isn't meant to be - I know that for me at least, a 12 hour flight for a work meeting, which I have to do all too often, is far harder to bear than the same flight with something rather more enticing at the other end.

 

[lenseman]

Firstly, I will say it even if no one else will.

Your wife and marriage come first. Your yacht comes second!

They main thing a female wants to do in life is to bear offspring and that task she has succeeded in doing, and well done to her.

Your attitude of wanting still to go sailing has to be seen in the light of supporting your family and providing for them all.

I suggest you put the boat on the back burner and repair your failing marriage before considering more sailing. Your short temper has, as you have stated been a bit of a problem and that is not the way to maintain a relationship.

Your life as an artist is also very insular and reclusive which possibly also has not helped in the past years.

You need to take a look at what you are offering and decide whether your love of sailing is worth sacrificing your marriage and family to maintain your hobby.

 

[30boat]

Firstly, I will say it even if no one else will.

Your wife and marriage come first. Your yacht comes second!

They main thing a female wants to do in life is to bear offspring and that task she has succeeded in doing, and well done to her.

Your attitude of wanting still to go sailing has to be seen in the light of supporting your family and providing for them all.

I suggest you put the boat on the back burner and repair your failing marriage before considering more sailing. Your short temper has, as you have stated been a bit of a problem and that is not the way to maintain a relationship.

Your life as an artist is also very insular and reclusive which possibly also has not helped in the past years.

You need to take a look at what you are offering and decide whether your love of sailing is worth sacrificing your marriage and family to maintain your hobby.

You are right and I have never put my sailing ahead of my family,on the contrary I hardly ever went sailing without them.But she's having a change of heart (age?) and I'm not ready to give up on what is more than a hobby to me.My life as an artist is indeed reclusive but that's one more reason why I don't particularly want to use the boat on my own.I feel horribly lonely.I think she is becoming a bit too settled and maybe she's fed up(rightly so) with my short temper that to be fair is mainly due to her unwillingness to learn about anything boat related.Granted, she can steer and use the engine controls while anchoring but that's about it.
We live on a tight budget these days and the boat offers a fantastic chance for getting away for very little money and I don't even consider sailing long distances or going out if it's blowing more than a slight breeze,things we used not to worry about just a few years ago.Basically I use the boat as a caravan which until now she seemed to enjoy.I feel frustraded and cheated out of something that's always been important to me.If I end up selling the boat there'll be resentment on my part and that can be even worse.If I start using the boat on my own she'll resent me for not being there during her holidays.It's a bit of a catch 22.What I certainly don't want is to be caught in a situation where I'm boatless because of her feelings but still don't do anything fulfilling because we can't afford it or she's too settled to engage in some fun and affordable pursuit.

 

[lenseman]

You are right and I have never put my sailing ahead of my family,on the contrary I hardly ever went sailing without them.

Nuno, she probably went sailing for no other reason than that she loved you, not for the sailing.

But she's having a change of heart (age?) and I'm not ready to give up on what is more than a hobby to me.

It might be a hobby to you but have you asked yourself if you are being selfish?

My life as an artist is indeed reclusive but that's one more reason why I don't particularly want to use the boat on my own.I feel horribly lonely.

That is quite selfish if you are asking your wife to go sailing because you are lonely?

I think she is becoming a bit too settled and maybe [/she's fed up(rightly so with my short temper that to be fair is mainly due to her unwillingness to learn about anything boat related.

Her unwillingness? She is trying to tell you something there. She doesn't like sailing!

We live on a tight budget these days and the boat offers a fantastic chance for getting away for very little money

That is a weapon you are using to justify your hobby!

I feel frustraded and cheated out of something that's always been important to me.

That is a very selfish attitude.

If I end up selling the boat there'll be resentment on my part and that can be even worse.

That again is a weapon threat you are using, not good Nuno, not good at all.

If I start using the boat on my own she'll resent me for not being there during her holidays.

and quite rightly so.

What I certainly don't want is to be caught in a situation where I'm boatless

Again very selfish.

because of her feelings but still don't do anything fulfilling because we can't afford it or she's too settled to engage in some fun and affordable pursuit.

You might think it is fun to go sailing but obviously your wife thinks otherwise. Camping, hiking or cycling are a lot cheaper and your wife might like to do that? Take in an historic town, cathedral or something your wife wants to do!

Please take a very long look at your life and think where you will be in 10 or 15 years time my friend?

.

 

[Malcb]

My wife loves being on the boat, shee even likes the sound of the halyards clanging against the mast. HOWEVER she doesn't like trips longer than about 3 hours max, as she gets bored. so from Chichester to Bembridge that's about OK.

Earlier this year, as there was a club cruise to Brighton, I suggested that I would sail (I'm used to single handed sailing) and she would get the train. She only had to travel for a couple of hours, including the bus to Brighhton marina. I enjoyed the sail. So domestic harmony. We spent two nights in Brighton. The original intention was that we would have sailed from Brighton to Littlehampton, but unfortunately the weather cancelled that plan, but she would have stayed on board for that bit of the trip.

I know that some of the other wives/partners on the cruise were a bit envious.

 

[Deleted member 36384]

.... Your wife and marriage come first. Your yacht comes second!

You need to take a look at what you are offering and decide whether your love of sailing is worth sacrificing your marriage and family to maintain your hobby.

+1

I am at the same stage with 2 kids at 12 and 14. I have sailed all my life and the boat is very much my thing. However, it is a luxury item, it's not mandatory to me, it goes if it has to. Mums go through a period of wondering what its all about when the children are turning into young adults (as far as I can see: wondering whats ahead). You need to give your wife the support but room to come to terms - it may take years. I have been through this and my wife is much happier, she has broken the routine of being a full time Mum and is doing stuff that she wants (art college in this case). I will help her as best I can without putting my foot in it. I see her young self coming back again and it may not involve me all the time, but thats OK, thats the way it should be.

So, if you love your wife, get on with supporting her. You have done sailing, she has raised the children, you don't just discard her now, you double your efforts to help her. Thats the way I see it.

 

[Wansworth]

I introduced my wife to sailing although she knew nothing about boats she understood the spirit.She has not learn the ropes either and I must confess to sometimes raising my voice,how else can you explain something if the person doesnt understand the nomenclature.....anyway she is much braver than me as regards actually sailing wheather thru ignorance of pending disaster or just her optimism.Sailing with her feels right and a totally different experience to sailing with friends.Due to circumstances I will be sailing on my own most of the time and find it not much fun.I cannot offer any advice except to say put sailing on the back burner and do things you can do together.

 

[Babylon]

The problem is that people change over time, perhaps women more so due the nature of their biology.

Your wife has a life too and - I assume - her own interests. You will do well to encourage these, and eventually an accommodation will emerge re your own deep need to have a boat and go sailing. Keep your dialogue with her open, and open-ended!

You might not relish the idea of sailing alone or getting involved with ordinary crew, but give that time too - see it as a new possibility from which you can learn, a new paradigm in your personal life.

Consider also changing your boat and if possible where you sail, as your current boat is no doubt a repository of dreams and memories. Change the space, so to speak.

Take this turn of events as an opportunity to have a strategic re-think. It might not in the end result in any big changes (divorce, infidelity, swimbocide, change of boat, change of vocation, etc), but the process will be a positive one and will enable you to engage anew with your passion.

As a creative person myself (an ex-painter, now just a humble designer) I could say "why don't you express this problem in your art?" etc - but I also know how important sailing and the sea is as a deeply necessary antidote to and distraction from all that creative head-stuff!

Jon

 

[johnphilip]

Adjust the motive for the cruise

If it is not too late, try to make the journey on the boat the minor part of the weekend, choose destinations with a shoreside interest, be it walking ,shopping or a good restaurant.
Stay in one port for a day or two, do not do the "arrive at dusk, leave on the early tide" routine.
Take the boat to a holiday destination for your wife to join you later. Holland has always been a favourite, short sails and each day you arrive in a town rather than up a muddy creek or a marina a long way from civilisation.
Perhaps again too late but a sailing course ,preferably with other ladies, where she has the chance to develop sailing skills away from the marriage and feel more independent.

 

[Iain C]

Hmmm. So after 23 years of spending every available bit of free time on the boat, and 23 years of her not actually showing any interest, and you snapping at her, she finally decides enough is enough? She's a woman, and women tend to like their creature comforts, and you allow her the luxury of staying put in a marina until she feels better from food poisoning? And you were furious with her because she had been complaining about everything, where of course she should have honoured her "commitment" of enjoying it despite being ill?

Wake up.

I love sailing and I love my boat. However I could not think of anywhere worse to get over food poisoning. A small, rocking, noisy thing with less than perfect toilet facilities? Lovely. I think I'd be complaining over just about anything too.

As has been said, 25 miles is not a short hop. We all have delusions of grandeur when we start sailing...I was all for battling across the channel in a F5 ASAP when we started...she wanted a short hop to Cowes and dinner in a restaurant. Suits me just fine now as it happens!

You can't "commit" to enjoying sailing. You go sailing, with the appropriate planning, and have an experience that varies from heavenly to purgatory. Part of a skippers role is to take that temperature and know when to change those plans.

If she really has gone off sailing (and let's be honest, how many times have we put out boats back on the mooring and thought "what a bloody awful weekend, should have stayed at home!) then why not sail with friends for the type of sailing you want to do? You can go and do your longer passages and enjoy it, tell her all about it, and then mention that in 3 weekends time you are planning on chugging round the corner, dropping the anchor and sunbathing/drinking for the weekend? She'll probably end up coming along. Or just plan accordingly...we had a trip to the W country over the summer, SWMBO and I sailed down, day sails to all the usual places taking most of our 2 weeks to get down there, she loved it. Then some mates drove down from home in her car, she drove home happily, and we just caned it back non-stop in a boys own adventure stylee. I know that bashing out of Dartmouth at midnight into a F6 would hold no enjoyment whatsoever for her, but it was fine for us (ok, as soon as we turned downwind it was!)

Sounds to me like she has given you 23 years of compromise. Time to give something back perhaps?

 

[Barbican]

I hate going shopping - especially for SWMBO clothes and shoes. She enjoys it, and when I don't moan or look bored, she enjoys going with me even more!

I guess sailing might be the same for her, unless it is short hops and nice restaurants friends and anchorages.

When we were tight for money and with a young family we sold our last boat which was a huge decision for me, because I could see that sailing and compromising everything else as a result was not having a good influence.

15 years later, now retired I suggested a new boat for our retirement, and she is very keen and excited even. I am under no illusions that she will not enjoy long passages, but will travel to where the boat is with genuine enthusiasm if the destination is right - ie interesting to her, atmospheric, pretty, restaurants, shops. Other than shops we both like the same things so it can work.

So instead of getting a small boat for single handed sailing we are getting something which will be comfortable for two.

Briliant - I do so love my wife

Good luck to you

PS She said if I shout she will get off - hmmm it's down to me then

 

[30boat]

Perhaps I've given you the wrong idea.It appears I came accross as a stubborn selfish guy who imposes the boat on his wife and complains if he doesn't get it.Far from it.We used to go sailing regularly not for 23 but for about 8 years (until our son came along)and she was the one to initiate it most of the times.She loved staying on the boat for days on end and even going on longer cruises.She even came with us when we brought back a racer from Manilla to Hong Kong and didn't complain once so she knows what it is all about.
I haven't regularly used the boat on weekends for many years.The boat just sits there unloved for months on end.I'd say that this year she's been there maybe four times in all plus a week in Summer.Exactly because I'm not behaving selfishly I don't escape to the boat at every opportunity but stay home instead with her and our son.Being an artist ,when Im home I'm working so that's ok.
What worries me is that she went from being a person who actively wanted to do things with the boat to somebody who prefers to stay indoors.To me that's a waste of resources that are scarce to say the least but I don't even dare suggesting we go down to the boat and have done so for years.
When I say I feel lonely onboard it's because I miss having her with me sharing the experience as she used to.My temper arises from frustration not anything else.I'm giving in to her change of heart so from now on I'll be using the boat,reluctantly,on my own and she will probably meet me in harbour.That'll be a good enough compromise for me.
I don't believe that giving up on the boat and sailing altogether for the sake of the family is the way to go,it would then be exceedingly selfish of her to impose that on me.There must be room in a relationship for individual pursuits, we're not joined at the hip after all.There are plenty of things we do together after all.Sailing was the casualty unfortunately.

 

[PhillM]

Slightly different but similar in that SWIMBO never wanted to sail. We had 5 kids and youngest is 12. After 20 + years SHE suggested sailing and we have gone from there. Slow progress but lots of fun.

Perhaps a different aproach may be to sell the old boat and either do smaller, like trailor or different, like a project.

By cutting the cost you can do more family holidays AND still get sailing weekends.

We have just finished planning next year. We will do family caravan holidays in May (BH) a couple of weeks in July / August and we will take the caravan and all 7 of us to South of France and then perhaps another UK trip August BH.

Every other weekend of the summer I am free to sail. If its day sailing I take up to three family as crew and for overnights only one family member as crew. Family who want to come can and those that don't are not committed.

The above is designed so that the money goes around and everyone gets a bit of what they want.

If I had not fallen head over heels for my wooden project boat I should have borght a trailor sailer and kept it at home to keep the costs down. However, I do like the winter weekends in the boat yard and it keeps me out of the way on Saturday mornings - so that works OK too,

 

[tidclacy]

This thread has made me feel so lucky. My wife loves sailing and has done more than I have. We have been sailing together for 26 years and are still planning long voyages such as the St Malo this year from Burnham and down the French Canals to the Med pos next year.

Has really made me appreciate how fortunate I am.

I am so sorry that your wife wants to give up but as has been said before your marriage comes first. She may come back to it later. Why not try a charter in warmer climes?