'Buttmaster

Re: Buttmaster instructor

Dear Mr Enstone,

It is essential that Examiners look for a clean, well planned thread. No points should be missed; irony recognised and jokes spotted in plenty of time to take avoiding action.

All attempts to put up sales in crowded threads will be heavily penalised and search engines should be switched off in windy conditions.

A proper understanding of Butt jargon is expected including a 100 per cent pass mark in acronyms such as SWMBO and SWS. The ability to speak if sub-Glaswegian Gaelic will be rewarded...

Oh! Bugger, I really can't be arsed to continue with this...


<hr width=100% size=1>JJ
 
Re: \'Buttmaster

For a mere £20 ofcom will send you a disc to stick on your butt.

Personally Im happy with the present Yachtmaster Off Course qualification system.

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Re: \'Buttmaster

Could I apply for the franchise to sale the BUTTMASTER qualification and proof of posting booklets in the chandlery (similar to RYA day skipper etc) but obviously far more enlightening and humorous.

<hr width=100% size=1>I'm giving 10% off in future, just raised all the prices by 20%:)
 
Re: Buttmaster instructor

Dear Mr Enstone
I offer myself as the first person to be inspected by your newly qualified Butt Examiner. My CV follows,

After attending the local curry house at the w/end, having 2 slices of fried bread and a tin of Heinz BB’s for lunch and a chilli for tea (with side orders of Brussel Sprouts,cauliflower and butter beans) I feel that I could pass your Butt test without too much trouble.

However I would inquire as to whether your examiners carry cold towels and ice as part of their standard test equipment. I would also ask if there is a long waiting list of Butters to be examined, as I feel that I need something to put this Butt fire out before I leapfrog to an immediate Butter offshore with commercial endorsement and C.O.P.
I would hate to take the fast track route as I feel that long term experience is better than just “blasting” through to the top grades of this much highly praised “ticket”.

I would like to give more info on my CV but unfortunately I must “go” now, please don’t bother to contact me on my landline as it will be un-attended for the next few weeks!
Mobile only.
Thanks in advance.


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Re: \'Buttmaster

Can we have an Ocean Buttcatmaster too 'cause I once had a saucer of milk on the bridge of a ship.

John

<hr width=100% size=1>I am the cat but I am only 6.
 
Re: \'Buttmaster

As long as you don't lick your bum in public, which all ships cats seem to do. And that goes for all cats everywhere

<hr width=100% size=1>Me transmitte sursum, caledoni
 
Re: \'Buttmaster

eeeK, help, PC'ites, where are you - Brendan is being very rude about the natural habits of us ethnic minorities.

John

<hr width=100% size=1>I am the cat but I am only 6.
 
Re: Buttmaster instructor

Mr. Jermain
I'm pleased to announce that you have got the job. We were particularly impressed with your knowledge of ButtMastery and especially your understanding of faux Glaswegian which I'm sure you'll appreciate is an important, if vociferous, market sector.

If you could submit your paper qualifications and the usual brown envelop your certificate will be posted by return.

ButtMaster HQ


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Re: \'Buttmaster

We, at ButtMaster HQ, are impressed by your initative and are pleased to award you the franchsie.

The ButtMaster Logbook, Practical ButtMaster book and CD set will sent to you by return upon receipt of the usual brown envelop.

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Re: Buttmaster instructor

You sound like a well prepared candidate although I'd recommend taking a 3 day 'ButtMaster practical before the exam. I went on one and apart from the camraderie you learn a lot especially about pontification and holding forth. I believe the next practical course is being held in Cherbourg in a couple of weekends time. Suggest you PM the organiser.

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Re: \'Buttmaster

Ship's Cat,
Thank you for your application, I'm afraid I have to inform you that you are too polite a feline to be awarded the 'ButtMaster Ocean qualification. Could offer you 'ButtKipper if this would be of any use.

Yours

ButtMaster HQ

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Re: \'Buttmaster

Sorry...this is all getting too much like poop deck pomposity for my taste.
As with any organisation its great at first but then the silly arses get involved and what used to be a nice club rapidly degenerates into a dump.

Hope to see you all elsewhere in more fragrant surroundings.......

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.boatsontheweb.com/> Website, Photo Gallery, Chat Room, Burgees</A>
 
Re: \'Buttmaster

sorry jimi, you're too upmarket for this lot..........you used the word cigarette when others would have said 'fag'.......

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.boatsontheweb.com/> Website, Photo Gallery, Chat Room, Burgees</A>
 
Re: Technical question

I'm becoming a little confused about Butt col regs. If I'm responding to a right wing thread with a left wing stance, do I have to give way or can I be the stand on Butter? I do of course understand that in the event of a collision of ideals, both need to turn to the right. Also, if the 'Butter refuses to yield in the heat of the moment, will he melt?

I assume the 'Butt Professional Standards Committee already has a view on these issues?

Zefender
'Butt Offisher (pending)


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Re: Fast Buttrack

What about a Butt of Lewis Medal for those intrepid northern sailors..

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Re: Fast Buttrack

Claymore,
Sorry, missed your sensible post in the middle of all of the scatalogical ones. We are actively seeking a Scottish rep to protect the faux Glaswegian 'Butt interests. We can offer a Butt of Malmesy as a stipend.

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Re: \'Buttmaster

You really should be considering a whole lot more Buttmaster merchandise.

May I humbly suggest a BUTTMASTER heading up mouse mat.

BUTTMASTER key board with a built in feature that automatically replaces letters in certain words with asterisks ie. b****x, thus saving users the tedious job of ensuring the appropriate number of */# are inserted.

BUTTMASTER mouse, with GPS tracking, Marpa and AIS, very useful on those foggy days in the office.

I am sure that the potential for exciting products, which will enhance the BUTTMASTER experience for all candidates, and ensure lucrative returns, is endless.

Steve.



<hr width=100% size=1>Think I'll draw some little rabbits on my head, from a distance they might be mistaken for hairs.
 
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