assistance required (very boaty)

[tcm]

A friend has very kindly offered me the use of his boat for the weekend. I didsn't ask, he just offered. I didn't take it any further untill he contacted me again with details of where to pick it up. So it would be rude not to take him up on the offer.

Trouble is, I have not actually got the slightest clue about sailing. Oh, i'm fine with the banter, reefing in and all that. But that's only because i had dinner with fatipa, who admitted that all he was shamming as well, and everyone just assumed he knew about sailing from standing on the quayside at Lymington and slowly shaking his head every five minutes or so.

Anyway, I managed to bribe sailbad into saying favourable things about my abilities, and on another forum meeting i escaped discovery by doing the cooking. It's all been a complete charade just to get on with you guys on the forum, but now I am in a pickle.

I have thought about just going down, swapping the lines around and move the fenders a bit to make it looks as though we have used the boat, and report that we had an excellent sail. But then his neighbours will grass us up, and my friend will be upset that we obviously didn't have a good time, which will probably hurt his feelings. So we will have to go out, there's just no way out of it.

Of course, I am not completely all at sea, so to speak. I've decided that it is bound to be better staying away from the possible dangers in the lock and nip through both the gates quickly, london-driver style, rather than getting caught by the lights and stopping halfway. Once outside it's obviously going to be safer if we don't spoil the main sails and just use the parachute thing which hopefully should slow us down as required. But I want to have some sails up because then it'll be our right of way all the time, as long as I turn the engine off just before anyone comes a bit close. Any other ideas very welcome.

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[TheBoatman]

This is easy?
Go to chemist and buy some Anadin Extra tablets and leave them on saloon table minus half the packet.
You can obviously use a PC, so go into Word and make official looking medical letter saying that because of the high salt content in your blood you are not allowed near sea water for at least (say) 2 years as it gives you bad headaches.
Should do the trick?
BTW still move the fenders about, start engine etc just so neighbours report that at least you thought about trying to move the boat<s>
Thank friend for offering, but because of your "problems" you'll get back to "him" when your fit enough to take up his undoubted offer of trying again.

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[Twister_Ken]

My immediate thought was that you could charter a skipper from Sunsail, but I withdrew because it dawned on me that your mate probably doesn't want his boat dented. Or a skipper from Southern Sailing. But then he might ask why his storm jib was jammed at the top of the backstay.

So you'll have to charter a Scuttlebutt skipper. Naturally he or she will disagree with everything you say. Oh yes (s)he will. But as you're the paying customer put your foot down, just like in that Merc estate.

Now, here comes the complicated bit. Do you remeber Donald Searle? No. Well he pretended to be competing in a Solo Round the World race, but he actually sailed past Ireland, over the horizon, and then hove to for 8 months. He was about to sail back to Falmouth to collect the pot when he went doolally, stepped over the fence and was never seen again. I don't suggest you do that last bit, but if you sail out of the Solent down to Langstone Harbour and park up a creek there for a week or so you can then return in triumph, polishing your finger nails and saying "Piece of cake, old boy. Just popped down round Ushant and into Benodet for a dozen oysters." If you can casually toss a sextant into your kit bag as you're talking it will help.

You'll have to bribe the Scuttlebutt skipper of course, or (s)he might 'fess up that you've been playing three-card brag in Langstone for a week, but cheap at the price for your credibility, I'd have thought.

Why Langstone? Well, you're not likely to meet anyone you know there.

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[BrendanS]

Ooh! What a doddle. Pop back into Mobo, state your quandry. Mobo's with sailing background will sort you out in an instant.

Ignore anything from B. Ben or HLB, they're faking it. I'd suggest you ask...hmmm, forget that..


Do the london-driver bit under engine, no problem. Once out there, as you say, once in a sailing boat, you'll have no problems. Scream and yell at anything powered,, pwc's, motorboats. "wake!, wake" is a good one, they're tired after all their exertions, and have probably fallen asleep at the wheel, so it's traditional.

Sails aren't a problem. Keep motoring...before you set off you've tied all the sails togther in knots in a big pile in bow. send lots of crew there. Tell them there's a prize for getting all the duvets and sails in the boat into the smallest stuff bag.. They'll be there for hours, the real sailors in other raggie boats you overtake while under power will assume your crew are trying to do something sensible at the bow like sorting out a parachute, and by the time the crew have got everything stuffed into bags, you'll have motored into where ever you need to be.

As a Mobo, at this point you'll feel comfortable, and drive the boat onto the tiny visitor pontoon without breaking a sweat which will gain you plaudits from crew and awestruck raggie watchers-on.

Get lazy crew to throw ropes over side, get someone to tie them onto something solid and quickly have a G&T.

Bollock crew for not having got their act together, and send them off for the evening.

Warning. By this time they'll have got knots untied and sails and duvets separated.

Tie everything back in knots.

Very early next morning, well before mobo's would ever get up, while crew still hung over, serve bacon sarnies and tea to crew. Tell them you are leaving, and ask them to extricate you from other saily boats.. Undo knotted ropes where ever you see them. Start engine.

Bollock crew for not having sorted sails day before, and ask them to sort them. etc

Motor to next harbour/ etc

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[NigeCh]

No title ....

There's nothing to sailing. It's all mumbo-jumbo. Any idjit can do it - Just look at all the boat reviews in whatever magazine you choose.

All you need to know is that there are lots of bits of string for pulling and most are just there for show if not for frapping

If you really want to bamboozle and impress your friend, turn all the electrics off including shore power and then switch the gas cooker on ... If it has anti-flame whatsits then loosen the last CORGI pinch grip so that it leaks just everso slightly. Test the leak with your nose ....

TCM, what a sad post ... You are in need of prozac or halyard-viagra or just plain alcotherapy.

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[qsiv]

I don't remember Donald Searle - but Donald Crowhurst did an even better job with Teignmouth Electtron in the Golden Globe. The bigger tragedy was that he caused the race leader (Nigel Tetley) to push too hard to overtake the phantom positions, and Victress sank.

With his ability to convince people that black is white, maybe he should have waited for that job at No. 10.

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[david_e]

The perfect crew

You need lots of crew, very helpful crew who will cook, clean and generally do everything you need - all for no financial reward.

You will find many willing volunteers at the following site - suggest you send phot with any correspondence.









www.gaysailing.org.uk

Keep the aspirin handy as you might not have a headache but could have a pain in the ********

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[Twister_Ken]

Eating Hamble Pie

Crowhurst, not Searle. Mea Culpa. Smacks own bottom, etc.

Donald Searle is a London Sailing Project training ketch.
Donald Duck is a well-known rhyming slang.

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[zefender]

Re: The delegating skipper

Read all the books and they'll tell you that the best skips involve the crew in tasks, delegate resposibilities, instill confidence through sound, deeply credible comments every now and then (anything meteological seems particularly effective here). This is your get-out-of-jail-free card. So I suggest you go down the night before, do the usual stinkie thing of overhearing someone else's passage plan in the bar for following day and remember it. Transcribe shipping forecast and download synoptic thingie from web (doesn't matter which date) and leave this on chart table. Carry out professional sounding briefing to crew (having remembered where key items are - flares, extinguishers, corkscrew etc and mention minor health issue which causes you on occasion to fall into catatonic state when sailing is all a bit too gentle - you need a good gale to avert the condition.This provides a useful get out later on if things go a bit pear shaped. Apoint a first mate and tellim/er that you will give im/er the opportunity of real responsibility. Also tellim (as getout No 2) that you won't be picking him up on every mistake he makes cos that would not help confidence building skipper skills for future etc etc. By this time, the crew will believe you to be almost a deity. Suggest sailing off pontoon rather than worrying about 'donkey' but then 'remind' yourself loudly that you're sailing with a relatively inexperienced crew so best to do it the easy way etc. Confidently turn engine starter key (you should have no problems here) and look over side (dunno why but everyone seems to do it, even if they can hear water splashing out). Tellem to ready the main, attaching halyard which is a very YMish thing to do at the marina. If this looks a bit scientific, go down below saying you're going to make a last minute check on seacocks etc whilst they get the boat off the pontoon. Look up destination of overheard passage plan on AA roadmap and estimate distance from mileage chart. If in doubt phone AA for a 2nd opinion.

Look up previous passage from owners log book and find one with similar times. Start copying this down onto new sheet of paper, so it looks all kosher. If no suitable passage or log available, go into crazed diatribe about poor seamanship of owner and tut quite a few times too.

Throw out all food on board and replace with:

2 dozen cup-a-soups.
1 can corned beef or Spam
1 onion
1 economy bar of Ex-lax (but keep this hidden, see below)
Safeway instant coffee and powdered milk
Tea, not bags of course
a small keg of wotzits old farter real ale

... this will show how experienced you are.


When out oif danger of the marina, emerge to cockpit and start telling sea-dog stories. The one about that 'bloody amateur, John Goode', scandalising sails is very good example. Use phrases like 'fairweather sailors', 'french crap' etc. Point out most appalling looking boat in harbour and say "itsn't she beautiful? Now that's what I call a real boat. You may think you are laying it all a bit thivk if you keep doing this, but don't let this concern you. They willbe squealing with delight and feeling very safe and possibly emotionally attracted.

If it all looks good so far, getem to hoist sails and turn off engine. At this point, say something like "ah, that's better" cos the confidence bit needs constant blagging. best to follow another boat and try and copy how far they have pulled in their sails. Best not to follow exact course of boat ahead though since, as they disappear into the distance, you can mention that they are clearly on a more favourable course but since they're going to Malchester Creek (or any madeup name) you have a trickier course to follow. If sails seem very flappy pul'em in a bit and see if this make the boat go very fast and not too tippy. If too tippy, reverse process - a bit. If nothing much seems to happen say "bloody sails are shot to pieces, reckon me mother-in-laws knickers would get us going better" And tut, again. Once or twice.

Keep assessing situation. Under no circumstances though try to reach your destination or return to original berth. This could prove to be your downfall. Get out possibilities are:

1, secrete big dose of laxative into cup-a-soup to most hapless crew and when results appear obvious, talk about returning, possible dehydration issues, could be dead in an hour etc

2, Return of sudden catatonic condition (try to practise this beforehand though)

3, Discovery of incomplete set of signalling flags

4, Check that all crew have passports and when they say they don't, berate them for thinking this was going to be just a local hop and turn back suggesting you'll all have to reschedule.

5, Take matches to engine room with unopended packet of cup-a-soup. Light it and replace engine cover. Take bandage too and leave it nearby. Smell will be very worrying. Keep calm yourself (its only a cup-a-soup after all) and fix the problem quickly but wrap hand in bandage and say that your received "what others might call" a serious burn and suggest returning for the sake of the crew.

If returning to Premier marinas berth, tellem you want one of their valet parking services as you're running late but that they'll have to meet you on the RIB on the way in. If not, open seacocks and call helicoptor help to avoid re-berthing problem. Remember to blame everything on owner of boat but that since he's a bit past it, it might be kinder all round to keep it quiet. Arrange underwater tow for sunken vessel.



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[tcm]

Re: The delegating skipper

fabulous. I have commited the whole thing to memory. I had no idea you er knew so much. (thinks: cripes he must have thought i was a complete nerk on our boat...)

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[AndrewB]

Don\'t worry about it ...

... one or other piece of equipment is bound to be non-functional so you'll have the perfect excuse. With your reputation, you are not the sort of sailor who would risk becoming a statistic just because the yacht wasn't up to it, are you?

If, against all the odds, everything does seem to work, while you are checking the engine throw it into reverse and drop a few poly bags over the stern, that should do the trick. Tell your friend it's a shame he has to keep his yacht in such a dirty marina.

 

[tcm]

Re: Don\'t worry about it ...

this is jolly good.

regarding being a statistic - i found myself on a plane with Chris tarrant on the eay back from france. Very worrying. Who wants to be one of the "and 239 others" when the plane falls out of the sky?

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[jimi]

This is indeed a tricky one but things to remember are:

1) Work out which way the boat kicks in reverse
2) Find the drink, there's bound to be lots of brandy & rum
3) Drink it
4) Exit the mooring
5) Find a pub
6) Raft up, you'll find the biggest & shiniest boat the most helpful as you approach
7) Top up alcohol levels
8) Wake up in morning
9) Lardie brekkie
ad infinitum

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[AlexL]

Re: Don\'t worry about it ...

If by some minor miracle everything else on the boat seems to work then find the adjustment screw on the back of the Barometer and set it to read the sort of reading that makes airline pilots mumble about cabin depressurisation. Then tell your crew that Michael fish says its going to be a nice day, possibly a bit breezy just to make them feel really worried. follow this up with a public consultation of the barometer and then say that you don't mind going out in that sort of weather, but the wind instrument only seems to read up to 99.9 knots and they may find it tricky to helm without a wind readout, what with their inexperience. etc.etc.

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[TwoStroke]

Brilliant!! Almost wet myself!! And I thought you guys knew what you were doing? /forums/images/icons/wink.gif /forums/images/icons/wink.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>How much to fill'er up!

 

[chas]

Go to boat
Hoist Jib
take phot from cockpit making sure you include a bit of jib and deck
take out all your old PBO and ST backnumbers
Find those useful photos of what places look like when you approach them
scan in your on deck phot
scan in useful approach photos
superimpose deck photo on each approach photo
print photos and show your friend

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[jimi]

You'll probaly find a storm jib under a rear starboard bunk, hoist it upside down on the backstay before deberthing and send photo to ST.

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[DavidP]

Hi

I cant believe this sailing lark is so easy, i may have to have a go at this sometime soon, if only someone would lend me their yacht.
Now motorboats, thats where the real trouble starts, ))

Dave.

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