The Forum presents "A Christmas Carol" (with apologies to C.Dickens)

BillyBloater

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dickens)

OH yes he is
 

chuckaduck

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dickens)

oh no hes not hes behind his passage






plan

/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
 

BrendanS

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dickens)

[ QUOTE ]
Bugger, too late said PaulineB. Have you seen my Christmas present? It's awesome.

[/ QUOTE ]

Barbarella wanders on stage, looks at the primitive equipment, and asks, have you seen my orgasmatron?
 

tazzle

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dicken

'Red' Diesel was dead. There was no doubt about that. The burial register had deen signed both by his brother 'Red' Adair and his esteemed Austrian cousin Vin von Diesel und Frostshutzmittel. 'Red' Diesel was as dead as a Dodo. There was no doubt about that. His beautiful young widow Marina had stood at the graveside, face veiled with the traditional funeral Niqab, and spooned a little of the expensive Chandlery grave earth (£6.50 for 100g) over Red's curiously shaped Euro coffin before the gang of itinerant Latvian grave-fillers had got to work with shovels.

So as Marina Diesel sat alone in her cramped office, hunched over a complex grid of proposed charges for wind use, our tale begins.

In the yard outside her yardman Bob Scratchit was carefully cutting lengths from a reel of B&Q alkathene pipe, applying the secret skills of his trade to transform them into potable water grade pontoon hose. While leaving them looking absolutely unchanged, the secret process quadrupled their value. A smile of wan satisfaction fickered across her pale exquisite face. A shout from the outer office interrupted her thoughts

"Merry Christmas Aunt Marina!"
 

MedDreamer

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dicken

As Scrooge sat down by the hearth with a bowl of gruel and lighting another fag he couldn't help but admire Marina's business mind. He himself was a man of commerce and substance, admired throughout the hosteleries of Lancashire and South Devon, but the wicked deed of the Eurocrats had brought a change in his very being.

How would he be able to put into action all those detailed passage plans [shurly shume mistake -Ed] he had spent minutes thinking up in the pub. He was not prepared to hand his hard earned crust over the the Exchequer.

"Derogation - humbug" he said, but there was no-one there to hear him. No-one that is apart from his best friend Harry who sat happily in the corner munching on a carrot.

There was a chill in Scrooges heart this Christmas Eve and a sense of foreboding, Scrooge, beginning to feel just a little edgy spoke to himself to try and shake of his malaise "Nah there's no way they would let CG1 back on the forum" he kept saying to himself.

Harry neighed in agreement but Scrooge still didn't feel filled with the spirit of the season. He sat in silence looking at last months copy of MBM blazing away quickly in the grate.

Slowly from the bilges of the house Scrooge heard a dark, ominous sound, a sound he had heard before but couldn't quite place. Was it the noise he heard jusat before his holding tank dumped its contents on the hardstanding, perhaps but he couldn't be sure.

The noise got louder and louder, a moaning noise that could pierce a mans soul and chains, chains, coming up the stairs, getting louder and louder until Scrooges head was full of wailing and screaming. Scrooge sat motionless with fear in his chair, his fagash dropping onto the carpet. Suddenly with a deafening crash the door burst open and in the doorway stood..............

To be continued (by someone else I hope)
 

suse

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dicken

a bunch of Forum girlies, all their rosy cheeks glowing from the cold, clad only in scanty Santy outfits (available from all good Lakesailorland outlets), fishnet holdups peeking from under thigh high high heeled pink rubber waders. They were suggestively swinging a selection of pink feathered handcuffs, suspended from various appendages, and slapping bitter ends of old rope against their full, firm berubbered legs. If you looked very carefully, you could just make out surreptitious little red hankies .... the secret of their whereabouts was to be revealed! A musty odour clung to the tiny red squares. It was obvious - they had been secreted in an old defunct and now empty diesel tank, soaking up the last drops of the precious liquid...

'Helloooo, Scroogy baby...' purred one of the young(ish) ladies draping herself round the drooping form huddled down in his chair. 'We're all your Christmas Presents, Past and Future, in one - to give you uplift and joy this Christmas Eve! A first, we realise - but we'll be gentle with you..' The girlies crossed their fingers and eyes behind his back.

'What will you do?' quavered the elderly gent, stirring uneasily, and adjusting his somewhat tight trousers wedged up behind him.

'A quick rub down, and up to your waterline,' smooched another of Santy's little helpers. bending over before him, to pick up the handcuffs she had so carelessly let fall by his feet. 'Ooops, clumsy me..'. She pushed herself upright, absent-mindedly grasping Scrooge's crutch in passing. 'Mind that!' gasped Scrooge in agitation. 'It's an NHS issue - I need that to help me walk - still got a couple of years to go for the new hip.'

'A little waxing will improve your finish, darling,' soothed another girlie, running her index finger slowly round the rim of






a large tin of polish. What else? Oh, yes, the duster - blue and defaced - was flourished. 'But that's - that's for Members only!' Scrooge was astonished - he'd been blackballed by the exclusive South Coast Royal Nameless Yacht Club - and very painful that had been, to be sure. 'Of course it is, darling - but don't worry - we've made sure you're a member now,' chorused the once-young once-maidens.

But the clock continued to tick tock tick tock in the oily water in a dark corner of the bilges .. time was running out. Hurriedly, the ladies gathered before Scrooge. Leaning forward, each one planted a big wet smackeroo on the ageing Lothario's










lips. Where else? And took their leave.. making way for further events of the night to explode.

S x
 

JonJon

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dicken

This gave Scrooge time to fill in his prostate questionnaire. Whats an erection he thought?, he was sure he'd seen one somewhere but couldnt quite remember when.......
 

tazzle

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dicken

....and then he remembered, it was the marquee going up at his wedding. Six strong young lads hauling a massive pole upright, the strain on their faces as it inched up from horizontal to vertical. He gazed questionningly at the stunning beauties in skimpy santa outfits.

"Are you here about a tent?" he demanded querulously.

A flutter of giggles greeted him in response. Scrooge was an obtuse man, but also a stubborn one. Once an idea had lodged itself in his head, he tended to stick to it like barnacles to a prop.

"There's not much point in getting it up at this time of year" he sniffed. "Too much wind."
 

sarabande

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dicken

"But, Uncle," said one of the nubile nubians, " we've done the tent erectors landbased course, the compulsory 10000 hours under canvas with a Powrskippr lookalike, and we have completed the Elfin Safety course, we are FULLY QUALIFIED."

"No, " demurrred a bystander, complete with several cameras, floodlights, panniers of organic carrots, and a stuffed heron, " Uncle is right. I have the radio check reports, the automated weather buoys, a length of wet seaweed (passed by the Environment Agency) and look, the wind bloweth where it listeth. Here Force 5, there a Gentle Breeze enough to rustle the skirts of a ..." and for a moment, his camera fingers twitched at the thought.

"What if we all repair to yonder hostelry" quavered the venerable One, " I remember they used to have clean sawdust everyday, brought by skillful Polish labourers form yonder boat factory out by Ye Old Call Centre (motto "Mumbai speaking") at the edge of town."

The sussuration of the sassie lassies' skirts as they all made their way across to the pub awoke memories which crept into he old man's brain like prawns into a crusty cane trap.

Was this the place where he had served his Apprentice Drinkers certificate for five long years, before being let loose as a Delivery Boat Skipper delivering Traders to the Carry Being On? Memories of the whores, sorry, oars on board were painful, and only relieved by the application to his lips of a glass of his favourite libation, called "Up yours, Jimmy" or suchlike.

He turned to his companions in their meagre "clubbing dress", and ran over the treatment for hypothermia, before...
 

suse

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dicken

his eyes were dragged to a strange sight - it was his nipple tweaking employee Nobbby Scratchit - he of the unmentionable and socially repellant skin fitting pustular pox disease - otherwise known oxymoronically as tinytimitis.

Scrooge recoiled in horror - he's always wondered if Nobby's plague was catching - there had been talk of osmotic reactions and acid reflux - who knew where close contact could lead?

But Scratchit came towards him, hands held out in supplication.

'Mr S,' pleaded the hoarse voice. 'Please come up ours (he came from North Herts, where such expressions, far from being risible, are a common form of address between chums) for Christmas. Mrs S is longing for the pleasure of your company, having abjured mine for many and many a long year. I've got a miniature turkey - her only complaint, unlike mine - but I'm sure we could make it stretch for another.'

(if the storyteller, if there is one, could talk at this point, it might be possible to point out things might lurch from bad to verse)

twas Christmas Eve in the chandlers
all the goods were doubled in price
for last minute gifts for boathandlers
stuff in Jan they wouldnt consider twice...

to be continued??
 

Kawasaki

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dicken

Splat "Where did that come from? Now I,m pie eyed" "Don't scratchit Scratchit twill make yer eyes water, suck or lick that's what yer oughta"
"So k for you your just a Ghost Christmas 's Past is all you can boast. I copped the pie right in the eye " (mincing towards Stage Left)
"Ooh that's a bit better felt like I'd been hit by a soggy French Letter"
"Scratchit come ere " said Scrooge "I want you to go on an errand my son"
"See tiss Christmas Eve in the Chandlers
and business is rather slow,
30% off stuff and everythings got to go!
Get Me Latest Almanac don't worry about the Snow,
Pick up a Turkey from the Butcher the others needn't know,
Pluck it don't Feck it you little queer
Hurry up back I'll give you a beer!
Tiss the Season of goodwill the Ghost just said
I can do this poetry stuff standing on Me head
So hurry along and get the bird
Don't tell the others they haven't heard
Bah Humbug Scratchit your still here
Go on scarper you little queer
Sensation I've just had
Made me feel a little bad
News this Christmas stuff and all this spending
Specially with the hike in Diesel pending, bending
The rules? no that's no way
Looks like I'll have to pay, or turn into a raggie and sail away
What a Panto Blair and His buddies
Makes you lot look like goodies
Not here for an other Term
Makes Me want to bleedin squirm
Christmas is coming, hope the Turkeys fat, glad to see the back of that TW5T"!
 

suse

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nothing to do with the panto

(message for K - can't send a PM, but any chance of sending me a copy of the poem you sent the other day or so? I deleted it by mistake and it was really good.

Also, I've been meaning to ask - your typing style - how contrived is it? Because caps in the middle of something actually involves extra work - which most people don't want to do, if they aren't typists. I like your stuff very much. Original.

S x)
 

Kawasaki

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Re: nothing to do with the panto

PM Sent gotta dash. It's a Pantomime round ear tonight. Communication will continue. Exit Stage right tarrra K
 

sarabande

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Re: nothing to do with the panto

(I think Kawasaki dictates his script to a verbal translater software. Can someone confirm that it is professional Forum rules that his fee is halved, as the work is cleerly of a les s killed Cat E gory than us wot uses a trypewriter properly) plese ?


Meanwhile back on stage....
the pub is serving a local brew called Dead Red, which is an organic little beer, with overtones of bilge rat, filtered sock, and cochineal. The Book Club Treasurer, one Gawd o' Brawn, was concerned that the company would become liable individually and severally to pay exercise duty on the brew (partly because HM Infernal Customs and Revenue had declined to investigate the books after it was found that the company's registered address was 51.007 N, 10.595 W, and the inspectors had not completed their "Wallking on Water" course in time, and partly because he subscribed to the view that there might be more ways of killing a cat than giving it an ID card to ensure trackability from pillar to post, but none were so much fun as distraint and writs from the Admiralty court.

Dead Red was popular, and the traditional scenario of the poor of the parish queuing up in rows with their floating tankers, and making obeisance before the parish/marina diesel pump, was about to be replayed again this year, but with a vengeance.

The evil Uro Parley Munt had written, and having written, all the ranks of Tuscany could scarce forbear to cheer, as the gold trickled into the coffers of Scrooge, who lived somewhere between No 10 and No 12 Drowning Shriek.

Waving flags (blue ensigns defaced with the crest of the Off Shaw Bank King), the floating boaters (for it is they) formed a procession past the Mouses of Parley Munt, hurling date-expired Winterval puddings towards Tiny Tim, Medium Mike, and Big Ben. The crowd onshore surged forward and....
 

Heigaro

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dickens)

Act 132 Scene 93
The curtain rises on a dimly lit scruffy alleyway in the nether regions of London known as Downing Street.
(Enter stage left a stooped, dirty, evil-looking, cloaked figure)
'Twas none other than Baron "Trust me I'm a PM" Blair, recently secreted back into Ye Olde England from a clandestine visit to Olde Baghdad. He's singing (soto voce) a little ditty he'd picked up in the harems there.
(Roll down singalong sheet for audience participation - tune "Eton boating song")
"It was Christmas Day in the harem.
The eunuchs were sat on the stairs,
Watching the harem ladies,
Combing their pubic hairs
When the voice of Father Christmas
Came echoing o'er the walls-
Singing, "What do you want for Christmas?"
And the eunuchs all answered, "B***s!"

Suddenly, a noise from offstage startles him - he hides.
From stage right appears a loathsome old Scotsman in a tatty kilt.
"Beans, yes, I can tax beans!" He rubs his hands. "And if I can trick Vizier Two-Jags into putting a council tax on beanstalks....."

(to be continued)
 

Kawasaki

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Re: nothing to do with the panto

"Ere" said the Local fool sat down on is barstewel
"Thems tiss Baron Blair and is evil Tyrants
Whats done and made a pact with Scrooge
To stop us using diesel huge
The price hike seems to Me
To stop us going out to Sea
The way the price is rising
F Me gently not suprising
Scrooge is in there with the Barstewards
Making Dosh whilst looking sideswards
Over to our Starboard quarters
Humbug Humbug He profanes
The Baron Blair He don't complains"
Tiss taxes taxes He rejoices
Stilfling our muffled voices
"Christmas comes but Once a Year
I'm sure that Scratchit is a queer
Sent by Scrooge on a mission
Why has that towrag gone a missing?
Scrooge is up to something no doubt
Wonder what it's all about?"
Time will tell you Audience
So far nothings making sense (Tiss a Panto when all said and done!)
The Final Scene is yet to play ( Apart from ,we know we'll all have to pay!)
The Ghosts The Scare The Happy Day
Christmas Past wasn't too happy
Scrooge was not a Happy Chappy
Miserable git from all accounts
Only interested in His accounts
For that's why the Ghosts turned up
And put the whillies up His Nightie (Silly bobble hat thingies they used to wear too)
Miserable Git and fist all tightie
So come on Scratchit bring that Bird (and a few loose ones to the party!)
It's no secret We've all heard
So hurry up you little (no thats not fair He's quite nice really) a bit of a thesbian ,but that's how they are.
I mean on these wages you aint gonna get Jonathon Ross doing a Guest Appeareace, plus Who's gonna manage the Script?
Scwoodge, Bwair, Cwatchit. See it's all gonna sound wong.
The "Carry On" Team have mostly left us.
Ok Barbera Windsor, slightly "Typecast" and stuck on East Benders your ear every night.
Maybe Michael Barrymore could be in the "Pool"
Alwight!
Need to name the Cast now
Laphroaig's kicking in fast now
Need a tiny Tim
A big Fat Goose
And anyone else Who's on The loose
 

tazzle

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Re: nothing to do with the panto

Excellent!! /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
 

Heigaro

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dickens)

/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gifHelloooooooh!

Has the fat lady stopped singing??

Could someone switch the light on while I find my coat?

Is that something moving under the seat.........?

Hellooooo?

Oh,'eck! /forums/images/graemlins/ooo.gif
 

Heigaro

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Re: The Forum presents \"A Christmas Carol\" (with apologies to C.Dickens)

Aw, come on. Look, I'm getting really, really frightened now. Just switch a light on or something....give me a clue as to the way out.
Come on - it's not a bloomin' pantomime you know...errm...
Just let me see the last page...
Just let me see what happens...
Hellooooo.....?
Someone....?
Anyone...?
 
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