Who accused me of being male chauvinist pig ?

[Guest]

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth...

yer gotta laugh haven't yer !!!


<hr width=100% size=1>Nigel ...
So WHAT does the EU really stand for ????/forums/images/icons/cool.gif

 

[powerskipper]

/forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif
/forums/images/icons/wink.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Julie ,
IMOSHO of course,/forums/images/icons/smile.gif

 

[powerskipper]

FOR THE LADYS/forums/images/icons/wink.gif

THE RULES

The FEMALE always makes The Rules.

The Rules are subject to change at any time, without prior notification.

No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.

If the FEMALE suspects that the MALE knows all The Rules, she must
immediately change some, or all, of The Rules.

The FEMALE is never wrong.

If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct
result of something the MALE did, or said, which was wrong.

The MALE must apologise immediately for causing the said misunderstanding.

The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

The MALE may never change his mind without the express written consent of the
FEMALE.

The FEMALE has every right to be angry, or upset, at any time.

The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE wants him to be
angry, or upset.

The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether she wants
him to be angry or upset.

The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.

If the FEMALE has PMT all The Rules are null and void.

The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.

The MALE must be ready at all times.

Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

A MALE who doesn't abide by The Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.


ONLY TO BE SHOW TO MEN WITH HUMOUR/forums/images/icons/smile.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Julie ,
IMOSHO of course,/forums/images/icons/smile.gif

 

[Rabbie]

Marriage.

BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start THAT again

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad my dear

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE - £30/doz.
AFTER - £1.50/stem

BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bacon butty and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishfingers

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end



<hr width=100% size=1>There is nothing wrong with sex on television. Unless you fall off!..

 

[paulineb]

Women may have many faults, but men only have two. Everything they do and everything they say

<hr width=100% size=1>Pxx

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.paulinebeddoes.co.uk/php-cgi/gallery2>Perils of Pauline in Pics</A>

 

[Guest]

Re: Marriage... who said ?

Instead of getting married .......

Find a woman you absolutely HATE ..... and buy her a house.

Its cheaper and quicker in the long run !!!!


<hr width=100% size=1>Nigel ...
So WHAT does the EU really stand for ????/forums/images/icons/cool.gif

 

[Guest]

Friend of mne ....

Yes I do have some !!

Talking about Christmas presents ...... I knew he was having trouble with telling the 'wife' goodbye ......
Anyway - he mentions that he has bought her a video for chrissy .....
I ask 'Which video - Life as a single parent ??'



<hr width=100% size=1>Nigel ...
So WHAT does the EU really stand for ????/forums/images/icons/cool.gif

 

[boatone]

As saying something is actually doing something I would suggest that we are really only half as bad as you make us out to be....../forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.boatsontheweb.com/> Website, Photo Gallery, Chat Room, Burgees</A>

 

[powerskipper]

What Sex Is Your Computer?

* A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,
nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine. *

*"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon." *

*One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" *

*The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by
gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine
or feminine noun.*

*Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. *

* The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because: *

*1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic *

*2. The native languagethey use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else *

*3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
possible later retrieval *

*4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your pay check on accessories for it. *

* The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because: *

* 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; *

*2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless *

*3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem *

*4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model. *

** The Women Won **

/forums/images/icons/smile.gif






<hr width=100% size=1>Julie ,
IMOSHO of course,/forums/images/icons/smile.gif

 

[Guest]

The boat .... see we are nautical at last !

The boat is 'she' when all is going fine ...... ie. She took us over the water in good time and no problems .....

The boat is THE B.........D .......... when things don;t quite go right ........ ie. The ba.....d wouldn't turn into wind so I missed the sodding jetty !!!

Funny how things are !!


<hr width=100% size=1>Nigel ...
So WHAT does the EU really stand for ????/forums/images/icons/cool.gif

 

[Sybarite]

Gender change...

When an automobile was first introduced in the 19th century it was "un automobile". Somewhere along the route it has become "une automobile"....

Was it the result of a love affair?

John.

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[ruthhobson]

Just to prove that us girlies still have a sense of humour.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now. He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now?
Does it look like I have an electrician logo printed on my forehead?
I don’t think so!

The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right. To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don’t think so.

Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break. I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps, he says. Does it look like I have B&Q DIY written on my forehead? I don’t think so.
I’ve had enough of you.
I’m going to the pub !!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. But then he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how’d all this get fixed?

She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

Her husband said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied, hellooooo.......do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead?
I don’t think so!


<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[ccscott49]

Excellent! /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[paulineb]

I can't bake cakes either Ruth /forums/images/icons/tongue.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Pxx

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.paulinebeddoes.co.uk/php-cgi/gallery2>Perils of Pauline in Pics</A>

 

[Guest]

Are you trying to say ....

You have some DIY needs doing ?????


<hr width=100% size=1>Nigel ...
So WHAT does the EU really stand for ????/forums/images/icons/cool.gif

 

[paulineb]

Re: Are you trying to say ....

My DIY is honed to perfect !

<hr width=100% size=1>Pxx

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.paulinebeddoes.co.uk/php-cgi/gallery2>Perils of Pauline in Pics</A>

 

[Guest]

OK ... there is an answer ... nm

**

<hr width=100% size=1>Nigel ...
So WHAT does the EU really stand for ????/forums/images/icons/cool.gif

 

[powerskipper]

ONE FOR THE BIKERS

WHY MOTORCYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Motorcycle curves never sag.

You can ride a motorcycle any day

Motorcycles don't whine unless something is REALLY wrong.

You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.

You can share your motorcycle with friends.

Motorcycles don't care how many other motorcycles you have ridden.

You can drink beer and ride your motorcycle.

If you say things to your motorcycle you don't have to apologize
before you can ride it again.

Motorcycles won't insult you if you are a bad rider.

Motorcycles don't care if you are late.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.

If you get a new motorcycle you don't have to keep sending
money to the old one.


ANOTHER POINT OF VEIW SO TO SAY. /forums/images/icons/smile.gif


<hr width=100% size=1>Julie ,
IMOSHO of course,/forums/images/icons/smile.gif

 

[ccscott49]

Re: ONE FOR THE BIKERS

Now you know why I have three motorbikes!!!

<hr width=100% size=1>

 

[celandine]

Question:- Why do women like knitting?

Ans:- So that they have something to think about while they chat.

<hr width=100% size=1>