Wanted..... White Suit Man.

claymore

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Weel,tha's a guid scheme richt enuff but d'ye ne think ye'd be wantin yin o'they English jessies tae tak oan ra ficht er perhaps yin o they immigrunts?
Ef ye went back a cupla shenerashins ye'd proabably find as hoo wee jamesies forbears were doon there stealin chickens, makin advances tae ra wimmin an beatin ra shite oot o the lads.
Ah think ye need someone wi a bit mair diplomacy an a bit less history in they parts.... Stingo?
 

StugeronSteve

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We couldn't have St. Ellen tainted with political carryings on.

Jimi's the man, I'm sure of it. Nobody will have the foggiest idea what he's talking about, so he wont be making any promises that he can't keep and he's bound to go down well with the other ethnic minorities.

Bit of a messy eater, I know, which will be a disadvantage for a white suit man, but hey, we can get two of his suits for the price of a normal XS and still have dosh left for dry cleaning.
 

StugeronSteve

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I thought them north eastern lassies had bruised knees from scrubbing the front door steps. Not as a genetic mutation from the days when Jimi's ancestors were beating "ra shite" out of em and making advances to the lads.

Stingo's no good if he finds himself a women during the campaign or, as is possibly more likely, wins the lottery, the b****r will be off round the world again, leaving TB to romp hom unopposed.
 

Ohdrat

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satnightfever.jpg
 

claymore

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OK
But I don't fancy the thought of driving into work each day with Yesterday in Parliament on and the daft rantings of Wee Jamesie fae Kulbride assailing my senses.
So you think that Stingo is a bit sexually unstable - seems a good personal quality for an MP to me
 

StugeronSteve

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I'd have thought Jimi's unintelligible ramblings would be better than the nonsense we hear now.

You may be right about Stingo's fitting the rumpy pumpy criteria, but our white suit man has to be pure as the driven snow. Scrub Jamsie up, give him a shave and a spray of the old industrial de-odourization and he'll do us proud.
 

claymore

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So what about if he doesn't get enough votes and loses his deposit. Knowing what he's like for absconding ex paymentia - could this cost us a few bob?
 

Ohdrat

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Somehow the thought of either Jimi or Stingo in the above white suit disturbs me...

On an even more disturbing note ... What about the Medallion thing? Will they be wearing those with cheast wigs?

Could we maybe change the colour of the suit to Red or Yellow that way either would just look like they had their ollies on... Maybe with some sequines too perhaps....
 

FullCircle

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Jimi's the man- fight fire with fire. Does not the Blair fellow and his sidekick Brown also hail from North of where he should, accounting for the fond excess of expenditure in the Celtic /Pictish lands?
Stingo is of course of foreign extraction, probably accounting for his excess of pheromones. Thus debarred from the contest, can only become Governor of California once A.Schwarzennegger has finished playing there.
Ellen is out, as the only serious wummin are built like tanks, i.e. Mo Mowlam and Ms Widdecombe. And you need to see over the dais.
As Sedgefield is way up there, I suggest Jimi fights on the 'Move the border South until its in Scotland' ticket. As previously mentioned they have a disproportionate amount of the loot, and voters are easily swayed with promises of gold plated footpaths and unlimited oil revenues (until it runs out, but dont tell them that).
We'll all pitch in with a bit of canvassing, hiding the yachts may be a bit of a problem, as they are not keen on overt displays of Conservative values. Also you might promise them Scottish City of Culture 2018, just re-engrave Glasgows cup and hand it to them.
Another wizard wheeze might be to announce that all recent immigrants must do a 5 year conscription in the Forces, and then pack them off to far flung climes to defend the realm in Her Majestys Name. After all its worked with the Gurkhas for centuries, and we don't even waste a pension on them.
S'easy.
 

Cutter

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You could always talk about the neighbouring constituency of Hartlepool where they hung a monkey during the Napoleonic wars thinking it to be a French Spy. You could infer that TB Liar has French tendancies...
You could do a 'Rivers of Blood' speech referring to the stinkies invading the Solent.
You could promise to ban all caravans from roads other than between 2 and 3 am. - that would get my vote (tho they do seem to be less common).
 

FullCircle

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Easy Jimi,
give bread to the masses in the form of a giant leisure complex (with a huge, free Marina at Milnthorpe adjacent). 2 or 3000 jobs for at least 6 years including overruns.
Give succour to the masses in the form of a new brewery/distillery operation, and hide it in the middle of a theme park, hidden in the middle of a national park (Busch Gardens Florida, anyone?), then a few free family tickets to local ratepayers.
Revoke 700 of the 800 or so Acts of Parliament introduced by the current shower, and pick them at random. You could sell lottery tickets on the basis of their being no discernable difference in crim, criminality, but watch revenue plummet.
Give the masses back their pensions, which the wicked twonk at No11 has hijacked.
Give the masses a few sacrifices, particularly Peter Mandelson and other worthies.
Give the masses a standard of education which parents can usefully measure against the standard they had to meet when they were at school. Stop handing out A levels in Jamboree bags.
Give the masses a simpler form of Road Tax/MOT/Insurance, and make it much more related to fuel efficiency and recyclability. This will cost more, sadly.

The really tricky one is disposing of the 900000 EXTRA Civil Servants who are blocking our passageways, and causing massive public expenditure. Replace this with meaningful industrial investment. Work it out, if we paid the £1 a week each (and its considerably more) thats £1 per year for each person on this collection of islands.
BTW, the above should help Hospitals work better, because you wont need 37 forms to get a pair of rubber gloves etc.

We can work on this more over a beer.


Regards

Genghis Junior.
 
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