Tuesday afternoon joke

[Beagle]

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed". Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The
young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

 

[jhr]

In response to JaneK's joke, which has vanished:

An Irishman turns up to a fancy dress party, absolutely naked, and carrying a woman on his shoulders. The horrified host asks "What on earth have you come as"? To which, the Irishman replies "Oi've come as a snail". "And who's she"? asks the host, pointing to the woman on his shoulders. "Aha"! says the Irishman "Dat's Michelle"!

You'll get it in a minute.....

 

[catmandoo]

A Blonde guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced they are worth $50.
The salesman assures him that they work and that $50 is a great price. The blonde decides to buy them.

On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked!

He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! 'Cool!'

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.

He throws down the glasses in disgust and says, 'Damn, I just paid fifty-bucks for these, and they're already broken!'

 

[catmandoo]

The Updated Version about the South African Noah:-

In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South Africa, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard...
but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.


Then South African Transport and Eskom demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.


Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Giant Spotted Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!


When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.


Then Kort Broek of Environment Affairs ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.


I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many previously disadvantaged individuals I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.


To make matters worse, the Customs and Revenue via the Scorpions seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.


So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."


Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".


"No," said the Lord. "The South African Government beat me to it!"

 

[catmandoo]

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal.

"Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?"

"Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river."

"How did you do that?" asked Donal

"Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them."

"We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal

They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams...

"Quick pull me up, pull me up!"

"Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal,

"No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."

 

[catmandoo]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."

 

[orion21]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they

realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap

in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads

back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when

he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to

hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's

a statue.

the nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his

manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his

manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of

soap. The third nun decides to have a go.

She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing

happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells!

"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

 

[janeK]

posted again and 'censored' just incase Kim has got his red pen out:-

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the first
guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green
paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
and the guy says, "I'm green with NV".The host replies, "Brilliant,come on
in and have a drink".
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to
see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped
around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on
in and join the party".
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the
host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing
stark naked one with his 'appendage' in a bowl of custard, and the other with
his 'appendage' stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both
doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.
Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!
Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in
despair"

 

[janeK]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their
travel schedules. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error,
he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called
home to glory following a sudden heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's
son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: 25 Sept 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!