This made me giggle

[paulineb]

An elderly Irishman went into a bar With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat God' s Boy down dere?"

The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, " For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and
danced a jig out the door.

Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, " For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, Don't F****** touch me! I'm on disability allowance

Pxx

 

[Divemaster1]

Here\'s a Christmas one...

This is a story that is not widely known.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were out,heaven knows where.
More stress.... Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't it a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?

Thus, began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


AHM

 

[Col]

hahahaha. nm

.

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/colspics> Cols Picture Album</A>

 

[mtb]

Re: oi pb

whats the difference between muff diving and sky diving .................
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The view....

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/boats
I need a couple of oak tree's .. for me trawler

 

[Johnjo]

Re: oi pb

Thought it might be that one leaves a funny taste in the mouth!

mike

 

[paulineb]

Re: oi pb

I don't get it

Pxx

 

[simongoldthorpe]

Re: oi pb

Bet you do.

 

[paulineb]

Re: oi pb

No I don't. Honest. Explain it to me please.

Pxx

 

[simongoldthorpe]

Re: oi pb

Minx

 

[Divemaster1]

Re: oi pb

When sky diving, there is a chance of getting insects in your mouth....

Of course there may be other explanations that I am not aware of .

AHM

 

[simongoldthorpe]

Re: oi pb

In sex in your mouth...... disgusting

 

[jhr]

Surely.....

...something to do with the relative risks of landing in a bush?

 

[Bejasus]

Re: Surely.....

Aren't both hairy enterprises(IMHO)

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.carlandjills.karoo.net/xslow.gif>http://www.carlandjills.karoo.net/xslow.gif</A>

 

[paulineb]

Re: Surely.....

... if there's a bush involved

Pxx

 

[jfm]

That same scouser

The same scouser was in the bar the next night. He was a massive bloke, 6 foot 6 and built like a brick facility. You wouldn't want to argue with him. Then a gay bloke walked in, went to the bar, got a drink. Then he noticed the scouser and took a shine to him. He finally built up courage to try to chat up the scouser. He bort him a drink, chatted a while. After a while, the gay guy plucked up courage and, whispering, he asked the scouser if he would like a blow job.

At this the scouser stood up, thumped the gay guy, yelled at him knocked him to the floor, dragged him outside and kicked his head in for 10 minutes.

The scouser then returned to the bar, ordered another drink.

"Crikey" said the barman "you gave him one hell of a beating. What the hell did he say to you?"

"Not sure" said the scouser. "I couldn't hear properly. Something about did I want a job"

 

[mtb]

Re: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha there\'s more

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/boats
I need a couple of oak tree's .. for me trawler

 

[jhr]

In my experience....

...undergrowth is usually an issue in the UK, although I understand that things are different if you go diving with a Brazilian. ;-)