The war against nobody

sighmoon

sighmoon

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Last week, the leading news article on this site was completely unboaty, about the number of foiled terrorist attacks. Now I've got this week's YM, and there's an article urging us all to be vigilant against terrorists.

If I should haul up an Al Qaeda submarine with my mackerel, I'll be sure to let the authorities know, but other than that, what am I supposed to be looking out for? Are terrorists hiding in our cockpit lockers ready to hijack us?

In the future, so they say, they'll be taking measures against insurgent action being launched from swinging moorings, with officials keeping records of every departure and arrival.

If it were about preventing deaths, surely they'd focus on more probable risks, like road deaths. Or even nut cancer awareness.

I don't really believe it's about preventing terorrism either. 9/11 was some guys with knives. But despite the hysteria, you can still buy glass bottles to take on a plane, which would be equally effective.

These measures only get through parliament because we have a sycophantic opposition, and a media gagged with the example of Andrew Gilligan.

So what's it really about? Who benefits? Is it to create jobs? Is the company that's going to monitor us a labour party donor?
 
if you see ppl loading beer kegs onto their boat (and know they dont drink - if you know what I mean) suspect they are up to mischief and report them to the authorities .......

that is what is meant by being ' vigilant against terrorists' /forums/images/graemlins/cool.gif
 
If there are 2000+ terrorist suspects, you would expect a few of these to be actively carrying out terrorist acts daily, or weekly and, of these, you would expect a few to get past the security services - however good these services are.

If something is being blown up every week, I'm guessing that the terrorists arent as active as we think they are or, as I've said before, they're not much good at their jobs.

So I tend to agree with you.
 
Only this summer I was minding my own business on a mooring in Falmouth when two blokes jumped on the boat telling me they were "Special Branch - anti terrorist squad". They spent half an hour on board - looked in every cabin (not lockers) and asking where we'd been, etc. They said they were looking for boats "capable of going there and back without a fuss" - whatever that means.

What disturbed me most was that they took my details and my photograph and also produced a copier, inverter and battery then proceeded to take a copy of my driving licence. Wonder where they've got me on file.

I know these guys have a job to do but it was rather alarming.
 
[ QUOTE ]
Only this summer I was minding my own business on a mooring in Falmouth when two blokes jumped on the boat telling me they were "Special Branch - anti terrorist squad"...........

[/ QUOTE ]
How do you know they were? They could be con merchants going for identity theft or stealing your boat.
 
Had a similar thing in Kirkudbright, (CooCooBree??), but much friendlier and didnt do the copying thing... but these guys were on the trail of drugs.

Maybe the Drugs Squad are happier than Special Branch??
 
Well they obviously conned the Harbour Master too as they were being driven about in the official port launch. They also stopped short of swiping my credit card or asking for my Facebook login!
 
"Dear Home Secretary,

I thought I would send you a signal to let you know how the members of B&HCYC have responded to the Terrorist Threat to the UK.

We have established a guard-boat piquet under the command of the Vice-Commodore, E.H. Throg-Hartly, that patrols nightly between 18.30 and 21.00 hours and for extended periods at weekends. For this purpose the trot boat has been fitted with 5mm steel plate armour, a ramming spike and anti-torpedo nets by Mr Judkins of Judkins Marine Engineers. Refunds have been offered to members with boats on trot moorings who are no longer able to reach their vessels because of these modifications.

We have applied 'racial profiling' techniques, and so far have had to stop and board only one yacht carrying a dark skinned person. Fortunately this was one of the employees of a local estate agents who had just returned from a holiday in the Algarve. The damage to his vessel from the accidental deployment of the Ramming Spike did not result in permanent total constructive loss in our opinion and, once raised, the boat will be repaired by Mr Judkins.

The club's safety RIB has been modified to carry the club's small starting cannon, now mounted on a swivel in the bows. We think this provides an exceptionally stable fire platform when loaded with old nuts and bolts etc and will prove a savage deterrent should Johnny Terrorist decide to make an attack on our stretch of water.

Mr Patel who runs the Post Office is being kept under surveillance by a three-man team consisting of Mrs E.H. Throg-Hartly, Mrs Judkins and our plumber Mr Kosciusko (from Ongar). We have so far observed three breaches of the Waste Regulations, viz. putting his cardboard boxes in the public recycling bin. Col. Bleake is standing by on permanent alert with his .410 (Tuesdays and Friday pms excepted) should Mr Patel give the observation team reason to believe a 'de Menezes' option should be exercised.

Our next move is to install a boom-net across the mouth of the creek to forestall attacks by fanatical suicide-PWCs on our marine infrastructure, i.e. the club's visitor pontoon.

I trust our measures meet with the government's approval. I am asked to enquire if the Minister of Defence can see his way clear to lending the B&HCYC the following:

4 x General Purpose Machine Guns, bipod mounted, with 2,000 rds for each
16 x FN SLR rifles with 200 rds for each
4 x 3" mortars with 200 rds of mixed HE, AP and starshell
1 x 155mm Howitzer, 100 rds as above.

Mr Judkins will be able to take delivery most weekday afternoons.

Your Obedient Servant

Sir Herbert Gusset
Commodore
Barking & Howling Creek Yacht Club"
 
Dear Chief Constable,

I wish to alert you to the presence of a possible terrorist cell in Howling Creek.

I am the local postmaster, and while I am reluctant to believe that my neighbours and customers are potential terrorists, there is an old saying; "actions speak louder than words", and the actions of some of my neighbours are very troubling.

Col. Bleake, who lives at the Old Gatehouse, has taken to carrying his shotgun with him wherever he goes. I have seen him take it into the butchers shop across the road, into the church, and he has even brought it into my Post Office. I did wonder momentarily if he was going to hold me up. Several of the villagers appear to be keeping watch on the Post Office in shifts, I don't know whether they suspect a break in or are planning one, but they are clearly watching the Post Office at all times.

The local sailing club appears to have installed defences to stop anyone from bringing boats into the creek, I have no idea how they expect to get their boats out, but they also seemed to have armed a couple of small motor boats.

I have observed other disturbing behaviour. The Womens Institute has been holding mass baking sessions in the church hall, and instead of drifting slowly from the church to the public house after the communion service every other Sunday, many villagers now remain behind at the church hall following the Sunday service for meetings of a group calling itself the "Howling Creek Defence Association".

All this has been going on for several weeks now, and my initial puzzlement has crystalised into understanding. I believe my neighbours here are planning to declare UDI, secede from England, and hold Howling Creek by military force. I think the observation of the Post Office reflects its importance as the building with the most strategic outlook over the lane coming into the village, and that I have been excluded from the plot because, as we have no local Policeman I, as postmaster, am the most senior state official in the village.

I have also heard rumours that the Howling Creek Defence Association (led by Sir Herbert Gusset, who lives at the Manor House) are expecting a shipment of arms in the next fortnight, which will apparently be all they require to "be ready for anything", so I urge you to investigate and take action with all haste.

I can usually be found in the Post Office, or in my flat upstairs when the Post Office is closed. Any officers you send can identify themselves to me simply by addressing me using my forname, Usman, as nobody from the village seems to know it - I have been postmaster here for 17 years and they still all address me as Mr. Patel.

Yours faithfully,

Usman Patel
Postmaster, Howling Creek
 
Dear Sir Herbert,

I have been passed your request for action.
Many thanks for your letter and I am very pleased to see right minded people at last taking this desperate, desperate threat to the country seriously. You seem to be taking very adequate precautions and I note your request for additional resources to continue on your war against terror. However before I accede to your request do you have:
a. Adequate stroage facilites for the weapons iaw EU directive 123/998764ff/123, MOD Armoury regulationn, para 6.1.2.3.4.5.6 and ISO 900000001.
b. can you confrim that your staff have conducted a full risk assessment of the use of these weapons vis a vis dropping them and hurting a foot, damaging backs when picking up heavy ammunition and other related risks.
c. Properly considered the disposal of used ammunition casings and other ordnance iaw current recycling regulations (noting that any collections will only be fortnightly from now on).
d. taken every measure possible to ensure that your precautions do not in any way cause offence to, gays, ethnic minorities, vegans, environmentalists etc.
e. Conducted a full environmetal audit to ensure that no trees or organic produce will be affected.
Subject to the above sensible precautions, of course we will support your efforts to blow away, with extreme prejudice anyone approaching your creek who looks in the slightest a bit dodgy.
Oh and would you mind looking out for anyone on a boat who might even have had a small drink as you can then arrest and fine them as well.

I have the honour to be
Sir
Your obedient Servant
Ima Twat
Scretary of State for Defence

Postscript:

Sorry I have to withdraw my offer, it seems we ran out of money 3 years go when we invaded IRAQ, Afghanistn etc etc and no-one told me.
 
Dear Mr Patel

Thank you for drawing the Chief Constable's attention to the matters in your recent letter.

You can be sure we will investigate this thoroughly when manpower and funding permit.

Your faithfully,

Leon Perrins
Deputy Under Assistant (civilian)
Chief Constable's Office
 
"B Wing
HM Prison Belmarsh

Dear Home Secretary,

It is with great regret for the events of the past few days that I feel I must offer whatever explanation I can to you.

The visit to Great Howling by the Diversities and Equalities Team from Loamshire County Council had been arranged last week, in response to the grant application made by Howling Creek WI for industrial cake-baking ovens for the Church Hall. Members of the inspection team, as you will be aware, included female persons of an ethnic persuasion wearing hand-beaded North African adornments.

It was an unfortunate misunderstanding on the part of the Vice-Commodore, who suffered an unspeakable indignity at the hands of Berber tribesmen in Suez in '56. He honestly believed that these women were members of Col Gaddafi's 'Amazon Brigade', and this was the reason that he imprisoned them in the vestry.

It appears that this was witnessed by Mr Patel (whose, er, first name, we learn, was Usman) who contacted the Police on the emergency number reporting a hostage siege situation. It also appears this was not Mr Patel's first report to the Police.

It was also unfortunate that Loamshire Constabulary's armed response team were uniformed in black and camouflaged with black face-paint. Mr Judkins was perhaps precipitate in detonating the line of home-made claymores (lawn-mower grass boxes filled with ANFO and scrap metal) that the HDA had installed last week when he saw the balaclava-clad black faces appearing over the hedge behind Mrs Signal's cottage.

The deaths of so many police officers in such a tragic accident will not, I am sure, detract from Mr Judkin's wholly honourable motivation.

The alarm signal - the ringing of the Church bell - brought all members of the HDA to immediate duty.

At this stage I should mention that the allegations by Ms Stella Diesel of the Council's inspection team that she was 'goosed' by the vicar are wholly without credibility. The reverend gentleman is 86 years of age and encumbered with rheumatism.

Your decision at this stage to send in the SBS without first providing them with details of the defences on Howling Creek, or the correct passwords (which you will recall I communicated to you as a post-script to my previous communication) was a further unfortunate decision.

I had personally moved the position of the withies on the entrance channel to confuse terrorist PWC attackers. The SBS RIBS, though fine vessels, are unfortunately unable to navigate Howling mud, into which they ran aground at, I estimate, some 30 knots.

I am told it was the SBS commander's intention to ask for air support in extracting both his surviving men and the casualties, and there must indeed be an investigation as to how this became an instruction to the pilots of USAF A10 aircraft from Snoring to commence ground attack.

The village post office, with it's fine view over the lane into the village, was, I suppose, an obvious target. It is a further tragedy that both Mr Patel - Usman - and his family perished in this attack, that has also left the village without postal or off-licence facilities.

In the light of the level of fatalities, I have tendered my resignation to the committee of the B&HCYC.

I have no doubt that a jury of my peers will acquit me of any wrongdoing, and I look forward to returning to the Manor House in the near future.

Your Obedient Servant
Sir Herbert Gusset"
 
Quote "They said they were looking for boats "capable of going there and back without a fuss"
You should have advised them to charter with Sunsail. With any luck they wouldn't come back from "there", wherever it is.
 
Where? How bloody big is this boat going there without a fuss? I mean I've been on a Brittany Ferry where the crew were prostrate with sea-sickness. Is that going there without a fuss?
 
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